This blog post first appeared over at www.allisonvesterfelt.com - you can read more about Allison there!
I’ve dealt with chronic anxiety for most of my life. In fact, when I was a little girl, it was so bad I developed stomach problems. Later in life, almost a decade ago now, I sought the help of medication and therapy just to survive.
I’m so thankful those resources were available to me and helped me get back on my feet. But, I’ll be honest. I would never want to go back to that season of my life. It was awful.
photo: Son of Groucho, Creative Commons
These days, I don’t deal with anxiety nearly the way I used to. But I have noticed how, during stressful seasons, or when I’m really tired and run down, or just extended outside of my comfort zone, anxiety comes back to me in smaller doses, and it reminds me how out of control I felt.
When these moments come, it’s tempting to think this will be an obstacle I’ll never overcome. But instead I remind myself of the progress I’ve made, take a deep breath and continue to lean toward healing and freedom.
I was attending the conference — not even speaking. In fact, I was invited to this event as a guest, and it was supposed to be a short time of respite between one long travel season and the next. My husband got to come with me, and we were excited to see our friends over the weekend.
But 12 hours into the event, I couldn’t hold it together.
It was so strange. I didn’t have anything to be stressed about. No messages or meetings to prepare for. No flights to catch. Nobody to impress. In fact, just the opposite. This was supposed to be restful. But still, my heart was racing, and my body felt like it had been taken over by an alien entity of adrenaline.
I couldn’t get my mind to turn off for long enough to have a conversation.
I was so frustrated.
My dad is a clinical psychologist and this is something he’s told me from a young age. He says, “Anxiety is often a symptom of guilt. When you’re feeling anxious, ask yourself what you feel guilty about, and you’ll usually find the root.”
At first when he told me this, it didn’t ring true to me, mostly because my anxiety didn’t feel connected to anything. Often I would have anxiety attacks when I was doing the most mundane things, like checking e-mail or doing the dishes. It felt like something was simply occurring to my body.
For example, years ago in therapy, I realized there was a secret I had been keeping completely outside of my conscious mind that was the root of much of my anxiety. Things would happen that seemed totally disconnected from the anxiety I felt, but they would “trigger” the memory (in a nearly unconscious way) and I would have an anxiety attack.
I didn’t know this, or didn’t realize it, until someone knew the right questions to ask to get to the root of my guilt.
And, of course, it wasn’t until I realized where the guilt was coming from that I could give myself permission to let it go. What happened was not my fault.
So when the anxiety came at this conference recently, I started by asking myself the question, simply out of habit: “What do you feel guilty about, Ally?” Nothing came to mind right away, but the more time I spent in thought and prayer over it (like peeling back the layers of an onion) the more I realized I did feel guilty about something.
Something so stupid…
So stupid I was embarrassed to admit it…
But it was true…
My e-mail inbox? I said to myself. Really? Something as stupid and mundane as e-mail is powerful enough to send me into a fit of anxiety? That doesn’t even seem logical.
And of course it isn’t logical, but this is the crazy part about anxiety. Anxiety is rarely logical or productive. Was my guilt or anxiety about e-mail helping me to make any progress or fix a problem? No, but once I pinpointed the source of the guilt, I could take care of it: first, by reminding myself that I’m not responsible to respond to every e-mail that comes my way.
And second, by scheduling a time that day to get caught up.
Actually, that’s not totally true. I fought myself on this one for awhile, because Ilove coffee and wine. I start every single day with a cup of coffee, and end about three days each week with a glass of red wine.
But, for me, the bottom line is this: I’ve realized how these two things are substances that altar my body’s chemistry (sugar does this too) and a huge part of anxiety is my body’s chemistry. If I want to attack anxiety from all sides, I have to attack the physical as well as the emotional.
In order to overcome the physiological aspects of anxiety, I have to get my body chemistry in balance.
Sadly this means, when I’m going through a particularly “high anxiety” period of my life, I choose to give up alcohol, caffeine and most sugar to get myself back to a place of balance. I also drink a ton of water, I exercise, and I try to sleep for eight hours a night.
But when I’m honest, I have to say that during the times in my life when the anxiety was the worst, these verses didn’t help. In fact, hearing God tell me to “fear not” over and over again made me feel like a failure, like I could never live the kind of life God wanted me to live (more guilt, more anxiety).
Part of me wants to include those verses here, all the beautiful words that feel like encouragement to me these days, words about how we don’t have to worry or spin because God will clothe us in splendor like the flowers of the field (Matthew 6).
But instead I’ll just say this: God is the one who takes care of our guilt. In fact, He may be the only one who can put it to death forever.
Unpack your guilt. But don’t leave it spread out on your living room floor. Take it to Him.
I know as well as anyone that anxiety is not an easy-fix, so please don’t hear me saying that. But talking myself through this process has helped me a ton.
I hope it helps you, too.