I don't know a single wife who doesn't sometimes do things her husband doesn't like. I hope I don't sound too harsh today; I just know how easy it is to slip into a disrespectful attitude that morphs into ugly treatment of those we love most. I’m challenging all of us to set aside any of these things that are a common tendency in marriage. Common, but so destructive. And they are so “not” God glorifying!
The reason for this blunt post is that I care for you. My husband and I spent many years in a miserable state. I’m ashamed to tell you that I was guilty of several of the points I listed.
Has God recently convicted your heart when it comes to how you treat your husband? You're not alone, and there is a way out of the harmful spiral of disrespectful attitudes and ugly treatments. The first step is being aware of what you're doing that might be driving your husband to frustration.
Here are ten things you might be doing that your husband doesn't like, and how to make it right between the two of you again.
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1. He hates when you throw him under the bus in public.
When you point out his faults, criticize or correct him, you make him feel like an idiot in front of others—and that’s demeaning. Don’t embarrass him in any way (especially in front of your children). Would you want him to do that to you?
A better solution: When he says something you know (or think you know) is wrong in public, rather than correct or chide him in front of everyone around you, let it go. It might be hard, but coming to him later and talking through the issue gives you a much better chance of changing his mind. He'll appreciate that you didn't correct him in front of everyone, and appreciate the effort you took to wait and talk about it later.
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2. He hates when you remind him of his past failures.
It’s something that was settled long ago (or maybe just last week), and you just can’t seem to let it go. We’ve all failed. Let go of things that have already been worked through and settled. If there are unresolved issues that were never dealt with biblically, don’t bring them up as a bully club, but take steps to graciously resolve them and move on!
If there are certain things he has done in the past that you can't just let go of, talk through them. Find a time when you're not fighting, sit down, and ask if you can talk through the issue you're seeing. If you're struggling with productive conversation, counseling might be necessary.
3. He hates when you unload on him as soon as he walks in the door.
One thing I can’t stress to wives enough—HUG your man when he comes in from work!! Greet him with a kiss and some love! Give him an encouraging word and hold off on letting him know what a tough time you’ve had. He’s had a long day (I know you have as well, but I’m not talking to him, I’m talking to you). He’s been hit with challenges that you haven’t faced, and perhaps fought battles you’ll never know about. Be what makes it all worth coming home to.
The biggest thing here is to not be so ready to unload on him that you miss if he might need to unload some problems of his own, or fail to see that he just needs to forget about the stress of the day and unwind for a minute. Of course you need to talk through problems, but there is a time for everything (Ecclesiastes 3) so consider your timing as he gets home from work.
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4. He hates when you expect him to be just like your girlfriend.
He’s probably not a crafter or a scrapbooker or a fan of spending five hours at the mall. An afternoon in the nail salon is probably not his idea of fun. He’s not going to communicate with you like your best friend or want to know the complete story you want to tell. Down to the Very. Last. Detail. Appreciate him for being a man and leave the girl stuff to your girl friends.
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5. He hates when you expect him to read your mind.
Just tell him. Please just tell him. Don’t play those mind games where you’re thinking: “If he really loved me, he’d know that I want him to . . . (fill in the blank) and I wouldn’t have to tell him!” Your husband will be so grateful if you’ll ditch the mind-reading game and just have some honest and gracious communication.
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6. He hates when you treat him like your child.
Men know that they don’t think like we do. They know that it can be challenging to measure up to our expectations or desires. When they forget to close the lid on the toilet, it’s not because they want to irritate us. When they take the long route because they forgot the right exit, it’s not because they want to burn that extra gas. When we talk to our husbands in the same tone we would use with our children, it is disrespectful. Disrespectful. Period. And that’s a sin.
If you know you're quick to scold or roll your eyes when he makes a little mistake, ask God to give you eyes to see your sin and the patience and grace you need to hold your tongue.
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7. He hates when you unload the big guns at 11 p.m.
Don’t wait until bedtime to bring up a topic of discussion that has the potential to put the two of you on opposites of an all-out battle until near dawn. If you need to have a conversation that has the potential for major conflict or emotion, do it early in the evening (or maybe save it for a morning when he’s home). Respect his need (and your need too!) to get some rest.
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8. He hates when you compare him to that “perfect guy” at church.
Your husband may not seem as “spiritual,” may not treat you the same way you see that “perfect guy” treat his wife, he may not sound as knowledgeable or seem as interested in the sermon, but your husband probably has some worthy qualities that you may be missing because you’re so focused on what he’s “not.” Quit comparing him to other men—what good can come from you doing that? Why not ask God to open your eyes to see things that you’ve not yet appreciated about him?
Want to do one step better? Ask him for his opinion on questions or theology you've been struggling with. Ask him what a chapter of Scripture you are reading means to him. Ask him what he thought of Sunday's sermon. He'll love that you value his opinion, and I guarantee you'll be impressed with his ideas and thoughts.
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9. He hates when you give him the silent treatment.
Whenever you use the silent treatment to manipulate him, it harms both of you. The silent treatment is a hostile punishment tool. Don’t make things more difficult by clamming up or stuffing your anger. If you’re hurt or angry, first go to God and ask Him to search your heart to see if the anger is righteous, or if there is some offense that needs to be discussed. Talk it out with your husband. Be honest and humble in your communication and remember—he’s not your enemy!
One of the best gifts you can give your husband is to remember that in nearly every conflict you experience, his aim is not to hurt you. But the silent treatment is an intentional way to hurt. Don't make the problem worse - let him know why you're upset. He'll be grateful for the chance to make it right.
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10. He hates when you use sex as a weapon.
The gift of sexual intimacy is to be an expression of unselfish love. It’s a physical demonstration of spiritual unity. Don’t withhold yourself to punish your husband and don’t use your intimacy as a bribing technique. Notice, I’m not saying allow your husband to abuse you or demand your sexual attention–sexual intimacy is meant to be an expression of unselfish love from both spouses, but I’m not talking to the husband today, I’m talking to us. Honor your marriage bed as sacred and love your husband well.
Content taken from the article, 10 Things Your Husband Hates, written by Kimberly Wagner. Please click the link to read the full article. This article originally appeared on KimberlyWagner.org. Used with permission. LeRoy Wagner has served as a pastor and speaker for more than thirty years. Kimberly Wagner is the author of Fierce Women: The Power of a Soft Warrior. Men who Love Fierce Women: the Power of Servant Leadership in Your Marriage is their first book together. To learn more about the Wagner’s, visit www.kimberlywagner.org.
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Originally published Monday, 17 October 2016.