WHEN MY HEART IS DULL
I’ve known periods in my life that I would have described as a wilderness. I couldn’t seem to hear God’s voice. I believe that my pain veiled His whispers. He was there with me but I couldn’t sense it. He was guiding me but I couldn’t discern it. I felt alone and it was a spiritual battle to just believe that I wasn’t alone. Many times, I lost it and my theology went south
I’ve also known periods where God seemed very much alive and engaged with me. So much of what I read impacted me like electricity to my spirit. Answers to prayer came in quick succession. My pen couldn’t seem to capture the litany of things I was being taught by God. I lived on a mountaintop for almost the entire year of 2008. Every day of my journal reads with the intensity of someone in love.
But then there is that place in the middle – in between being fully alive and fully exiled in the wilderness. It’s called ‘no man’s land.’ There may be inspiring moments but mostly, ‘no man’s land’ requires spiritual discipline to walk faithfully. It’s confusing, too. You’d be hard pressed to describe what is wrong. It’s a nagging malaise. Your heart is dull. Nothing seems to thrill and spiritual appetite is just absent. After so much time in ‘no man’s land, you’d give anything just to feel again.
What precipitates a journey into numbness? The crash after a mountaintop. The day after a victorious battle. The period following prolonged stress. A season during which multiple changes are occurring. The flesh is tired. The heart is spent. Only God knows how to restore and revive.
Praying David’s prayer is the beginning of healing.
“Revive me, Lord! I’m bringing my lifeless heart to you. Something has dulled it. I don’t know myself well enough to even diagnose why I’m in this condition. All I know is ~ I want to want You again. I want to be thrilled by Your voice. I want to be alive to Your Word. I’m a long way away. You are my Physician and Counselor and can give life to my lifeless heart. Revive me, I pray. In Jesus name, Amen”