5 Ways to Handle Family Tension This Holiday Season

Before you step inside a family member’s house, take a moment to pray. Instead of focusing on what you don’t want to happen (critical comments, political fights, dramatic scenes, etc.), pray for what God wants to accomplish during your visit. Ask the Holy Spirit to shape your expectations and give you the wisdom you need to discern what to say and do, as well as what not to say and do. You can’t control what anyone else says and does, but you can certainly prepare yourself to be led by the Holy Spirit. A healthy boundary really starts in your mind when you decide ahead of time what you will and will not get involved in. If you know a particular conversation is toxic, make a mental commitment to a graceful exit strategy, like offering to help in the kitchen or starting a quick chat with a child. Pray about everything that concerns you, and then God will send you peace, as Philippians 4:6-7 says: “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” By taking the entire situation to God before any tension flares up with your family, you allow God’s peace to stand guard over your mind. That will help you respond with calmness instead of a knee-jerk reaction when you face a difficult situation. Identify the triggers you anticipate in each family gathering and pray for the wisdom and strength you’ll need to navigate the situation well. By praying and embracing God’s peace before you see your family, you can ensure that you’re prepared for whatever tension you may face. 

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Setting boundaries with your family members is essential to take good care of your spiritual, emotional, and mental health. Healthy boundaries don’t lock people out; they help you figure out what you need to thrive and what you can really afford to give. Some boundaries to consider are setting a time limit on family visits, choosing to stay in a hotel instead of a family member’s home, or deciding to disengage from specific conversation topics completely. When you communicate a boundary, ensure that you do so clearly and with kindness, rather than defensively or harshly. When you feel the need to draw a line in a relationship, let your approach be guided by love, even if the other person doesn’t take it well. Colossians 3:12 encourages you: “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” Even as you’re protecting your peace by setting a boundary, God calls you to clothe yourself in these virtues. For example, if you need to walk away from a heated argument, you can do so by saying something like: “I care about you, and I love our family, but I’m stepping away from this conversation right now.” You can maintain the boundary (stepping away) while still treating them with compassion and kindness. Remember that a boundary is primarily about your own behavior, not about dictating the other person’s actions. If a boundary involves limiting your time with a difficult person, you’re not telling that person that they have to change; you're communicating that you’re caring for your own well-being so you can have a healthier relationship with them. Healthy boundaries demonstrate your family's commitment to self-control and maturity, which reflects well on your faith. 

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Family tension usually arises because you feel unheard or misunderstood. In the heat of a family conflict, when different life choices, political opinions, or faith perspectives clash, you’ll be tempted to defend your position, fight to be right, or quickly correct someone. However, it’s essential to try to understand your family instead of trying to convince or correct them. Make your primary goal to try to understand both the words and feelings behind those words – even if those words are painful or mistaken. You can do so by learning to listen well. James 1:19-20 gives you some wise advice you can use to navigate family conflict during the holidays: “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.” Being quick to listen involves giving your family your undivided attention, not just silently waiting for your turn to talk. Being slow to speak gives you vital time to choose your words carefully so that you can respond with love instead of rudeness. Being slow to become angry keeps your spirit aligned with God’s peace and prevents you from adding fuel to the conflict’s fire. Seeking to understand your family can help you turn a hostile debate into a respectful conversation. When someone expresses a hurtful or divisive opinion, instead of immediately countering with your own opinion, try asking a question like: “That's interesting – what has made you feel so strongly about that lately?” A question like that changes the focus from winning the argument to trying to understand their personal experiences. While you may never agree with their conclusion, showing respect for their journey and perspective is an excellent way to demonstrate to your family God’s love. Doing so will pave the way for better relationships, much more than any attempt to prove them wrong. 

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When you walk into a high-stress situation, you may usually focus on something you find stressful, such as old grudges or the fear of being judged. But focusing on yourself can leave you feeling isolated and vulnerable to reacting poorly. Try shifting your focus outward by looking for ways to serve your family. That will diffuse the tension. You can volunteer to do something simple yet functional, such as offering to do the dishes, playing a board game with the kids, or bringing a thoughtful gift to your host. Philippians 2:3 advises: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.” When you focus on intentional acts of kindness, the negative tension around you loses its emotional grip on you. That makes it much easier for you to maintain peace and respond graciously. Kind service can be a powerful buffer against your urge to react to negativity. When you’re busy pouring drinks, clearing plates, or doing anything else that’s useful, you’re keeping yourself busy with something better than taking part in conflict. You’re representing Jesus well, since Jesus “did not come to be served, but to serve” (Mark 10:45). This distracts you from the tension around you and helps you pay attention to what matters most, which is God’s love flowing through your life. 

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Since God has forgiven you, you need to answer God’s call to forgive the people who have hurt you in the past. Most people’s family histories are full of pain from conflicts, broken trust, and disappointments. Carrying unforgiveness into a family gathering will prevent you from connecting with your family members as God intends, and it will harm you by poisoning you with bitterness. Stop carrying grudges and choose to forgive, with God’s help. Ephesians 4:32 urges you to: “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” When you forgive, you’re not forgetting or minimizing the wrongs a family member has committed against you. All you’re doing is deciding to release the debt the offending person owes you, just as God has released your own debt of sin by giving you the ultimate forgiveness that saves you spiritually. Choosing to forgive family members who have hurt you is a one-time decision you’ll likely need to reaffirm many, many times – and God will help every single time. In Matthew 18:21-22, Peter asks Jesus how many times he should forgive the people who sin against him and suggests up to seven times. Jesus replies: “not seven times, but seventy times seven” – which is a way of emphasizing that there’s actually no limit to how many times we should forgive people. When you choose to forgive, you create space for the Holy Spirit to bring peace into the relationship. Forgiving the person releases you from the bitterness and allows God to deal with the debt, but it doesn’t require you to reconcile if the relationship is unhealthy. You can forgive and still maintain a necessary boundary, especially in cases where someone has repeatedly hurt you. But it’s essential to answer God’s call to forgive faithfully. 

In conclusion, navigating family tension during the holidays can be a challenging experience. Still, it also presents significant opportunities to live out your faith with the people God has placed in your life. God will help you every step of the way as you rely on him during family gatherings this holiday season. You may not be able to fix every family relationship, but you can certainly trust that God’s love will be with you during the holidays.

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