“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” - James 1:9 (NIV)
We’d only been married 3 months, but we’d been together for five years. I thought I knew everything about my husband. Until something I said upset him, and he fled down the stairs. Following at his heels, I heard him shout and kick the dryer. Giving him space, I later found him weeping. The culprit? Careless words I’d said.
Looking back on this moment, I think of James 1:9. No matter what conversation we find ourselves in, Christians are called to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Notice that listening comes first.
As humans, our first instinct in conversations is to respond, defend ourselves, or explain our perspective. So it was when I accidentally upset my husband. He didn’t want my advice at that moment; he just wanted me to care. And righteously so; biblical listening values understanding before being understood.
If you’ve ever been talking to someone and felt like they weren’t really listening or already had the answer before you’d even finished speaking, then you know what I mean. Listening is difficult when emotions are high because we want to protect ourselves. We want to be right. We want others to see things from our point of view. But when we choose connection and curiosity over being right, true wisdom surfaces.
Before we speak our thoughts, God invites us to slow down and love others well, even in difficult conversations. And how do we do this? By learning to truly hear them.
While James’s advice might sound nice, he wasn’t just giving tips; he was describing a posture of what it means to have Christlike humility. Being “quick to listen” requires us to value another’s perspective over our own. That doesn’t mean that they are right or that we must agree with them, but that we value making them feel heard.
In Jesus’ ministry, He repeatedly showed this pattern. He noticed those who were overlooked. He was inquisitive. And He always showed compassion before correction. Because listening well means caring enough to understand before responding. We can seek truth and still treat others with respect.
Though my marriage and relationships are still far from perfect, here are 3 things I do to listen well in difficult conversations:
- Listen to hear, not respond.
This is my favorite tip because I genuinely believe it works. Before thinking of a reply, really focus on the person speaking to you. Hear and identify their emotions. Ask yourself what they might be trying to communicate beneath their words. Practice summarizing back to them: “What I hear you saying is…” - Turn Towards Them.
You might think it’s cheesy, but those who are speaking want to be heard. Turning toward the person speaking with a gentle posture can make a world of difference. Make eye contact, put away distractions, and give them your full attention. Face them front on and show with your body that their words do matter. - Move Close.
Not everyone is a physical-touch person, and that’s okay, but in tense moments, it’s important not to create physical distance from the person expressing concern. Instead, gentle proximity can communicate that their thoughts are safe and welcome here. You could simply sit by them or across from them while they are talking, lean in, or just stay present.
If you find it difficult to listen well when conversations get heated, you’re not alone. Try talking to God and a trusted friend about these questions:
- Do I tend to listen to hear or respond?
- Am I more concerned about the person talking or about how I’ll respond?
- How can I think before I speak?
- Does God want me to approach someone with greater humility?
Let's pray ...
Dear Jesus,
Thank you for listening to me and modeling how to listen well. Thank you for hearing my prayers and understanding my heart. Please teach me to extend this love to those around me. When conversations get heated or difficult, remind me of this scripture. Help me to be slow to speak, slow to get angry, and quick to listen. Use my words to bring others healing, encouragement, and truth that ultimately draws them closer to you. I love you, Lord.
Amen.
Photo Credit: Unsplash/Greg Shield
Related Resource: The Blind Spots Hurting Your Relationships
In this episode of I Wish You Could Hear This, Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn sit down with licensed professional counselor and bestselling author Debra Fileta for an honest and insightful conversation about the relationship blind spots many of us don’t realize we have. Together, they explore how emotional patterns, past wounds, and unrecognized habits can quietly shape the way we connect with others.
Debra shares practical wisdom on how to grow in self-awareness, strengthen communication, and take ownership of the ways we impact the people we love. Whether you’re dating, married, leading others, or simply wanting healthier relationships, this episode offers hope-filled tools to help you break unhealthy cycles and build deeper connection.
If you’ve ever wondered why relationships can feel harder than they should—or how to become a healthier version of yourself—this conversation is for you. Like what you hear? Be sure to follow I Wish You Could Hear This on Apple or Spotify so you never miss an episode!
Like what you hear? Be sure to follow I Wish You Could Hear This on Apple or Spotify so you never miss an episode!
Originally published Wednesday, 04 November 2026.
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