January 7, 2013
Coming Out of the Dark
I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD (Psalm 40:1-3, NIV).
Friend to Friend
Florida is famous for its sinkholes. I personally find them fascinating since I grew up in Texas where most holes are made intentionally. As I studied these overnight wonders, an interesting explanation emerged. Scientists assert that sinkholes occur when the underground resources gradually dry up, causing the surface soil to lose its underlying support. Everything simply caves in - forming an ugly pit.
Depression and sinkholes have a lot in common. Depression seems to overwhelm with a vicious suddenness when it is actually the result of a malignant and constant process. Inner resources are slowly depleted until one day there is nothing left. The world caves in and darkness reigns.
Depression is America's number one health problem. Someone once called it "a dark tunnel without a ray of light" while some cartoonists often describe depression as a "little black cloud hovering overhead." I have a friend who says, "Some days you're the bug. Some days you're the windshield." Many believe depression is simply a spiritual problem while others insist it is an emotional and physical disorder. I think they are all right. Studies indicate that over half of all women and one out of three men struggle with depression on a regular basis. Because no one is immune to the darkness, we must learn to face it honestly, with emotional integrity.
That moment came for me in the spring of 1995 when I realized that something was drastically wrong. I was empty and completely exhausted. It seemed as if I had been living in the fast and furious lane forever. Overwhelmed, I mentally listed the demands on my life:
- Serving as pastor's wife in a large and fast-growing church
- Raising two young children
- Maintaining a hectic speaking schedule
- Directing the Women's Ministry of our church
- Teaching a weekly and monthly Bible study
- Counseling women in crisis
- Playing the piano for three worship services
- Teaching twenty piano and voice students
No wonder I was struggling. I was just plain tired. Being a perfectionist, I had always been very strong, driven to excel with little sympathy for weak people. Now I, the strong one, couldn't get out of bed. Getting dressed by the time my children returned from school meant it was a good day. The simplest decisions sent me into a panic and the thought of facing crowds was overwhelming. Many times, I walked to the front door of our church building but couldn't go in. I felt guilty missing services but couldn't handle the sympathetic looks and questioning stares as I stood, weeping uncontrollably. I was paralyzed, imprisoned in a bottomless pit where loneliness and despair reigned, wreaking emotional havoc from their throne of darkness. I had no idea how I had gotten there and what was even more frightening was the fact that I had no idea how to escape. I did the only thing I could do. I cried out to God.
"I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand." (Psalm 40:1-2, NIV)
With that single heart cry, my journey from darkness into light began. The first step was to recognize the factors that can trigger depression; a lack of replenishing relationships, various chemical imbalances, and a poor self-image, just to name a few. One of the most common and deadly factors is failure to deal with the past. The "mire" mentioned inPsalms 40:2 means "sediment at the bottom." When our children were small, we frequented the beach. Wading out into the ocean, they took turns pushing a beach ball under the water and counting to see who could hold the ball down for the longest time. Eventually their arms would tire, or the ball would escape their control, popping to the surface. The "mire" in our lives is like that beach ball. The "sediment" or "junk" that we have never dealt with settles at the bottom of our souls, randomly popping up until we run out of energy to keep it submerged. Eventually, this mire works its way to the surface, spilling ugliness and darkness into every part of life.
"Mire" comes in all shapes and sizes -- buried pain, unresolved anger, hidden sin or a devastating loss. I had never really dealt with my mother's death or faced some very painful parts of my past. As I looked back over my life, a startling realization came -- I had painted a picture in my heart and mind of how I wanted my childhood to be, not how it really was. I had spent my whole life running from the past by filling the present with frenzied activity. In the following weeks and months, the Lord and I sifted through the enormous pile of "mire" that had settled into my spirit and life. Together we faced experiences that I had carefully locked away until they slammed into my heart and mind with breathtaking force and fresh pain; an alcoholic father, the trusted family doctor who molested me, times of loneliness and rejection, haunting failures, unreasonable fears that were never spoken. It seemed as if the flood of polluted memories would never end!
But God is good -- providing a defense mechanism for those experiences that are beyond our ability to face. He gently tucks them away until we are ready. When we bury pain alive, it keeps popping up at unexpected moments. Pain must be dealt with and buried ... dead! Freedom from the pit of darkness demands a confrontation of our past, straining every experience through the truth that "all" things work together for our good. The will of God admits no defeat and penalizes no one. We can allow our past to defeat us or empower us. Harnessing the power of the past is a compelling weapon in the war against darkness.
Father, I am so tired and so afraid of the darkness in my life. Right now, I cry out to You. Please help me deal with the mud and mire in my past. Heal my heart and soul and mind. I want to trust You, Lord. I am no longer willing to be a prisoner of my past. Show me the sins I need to confess and turn away from. Heal the wounds that have hurt for so long. I lay my past at Your feet and ask You to make it a cornerstone for the new life I can have in You. I choose to believe You will work it all together for Your glory and my good.
In Jesus’ name,
Now It’s Your Turn
Take a few minutes to think back over your life. Make a list of the “mire” that has settled in your heart and soul. Be specific. It may be a sin you need to confess or the pain of a broken relationship that needs to be healed. Ask God to show you the things in your past that have become footholds of darkness in your life today. Face each one. Deal with it and let it go.
Read Romans 8:28 What good things has God brought out of the pain in your past? Is your faith stronger? Have you been able to encourage others who have experienced that same pain?
More from the Girlfriends
Now is a great time to establish the habit of a daily quiet time. Let us help you get started. Get your copy of the Girlfriends in God new 12-week devotion book, Trusting God. You can use it for your personal study or why not form a GiG group and work through the book together?
Check out Mary’s Weekly Online Bible Study, Light for the Journey and explore the book of Proverbs in Mary’s new study, Power Up With Proverbs beginning January 14. Connect with Mary on Facebook or through email.
Click here to learn more about hosting a Girlfriends in God conference in your area or having one of the GiGs speak at your next women's event.
Originally published Monday, 07 January 2013.