My mouth says I want to "run with endurance the race that is set before (me)", (Heb. 12:1), but my feet often go in the opposite direction.
I get set, and ready to go, until I fall and am ready to cry.
It's a dichotomy I just can't beat.
I snap back at my husband when I know a kind word turns away wrath.
I think bad thoughts towards a rude person when I need to forgive as I have been forgiven. Col. 3:13
I yell at my children, when God says to bear up under one another in love.
I judge a sister in Christ when God tells me to first look at the log in my own eye.
I take pride in my work when God tells me at the proper time I will be exalted.
1 Pet. 5:6
While my mind says, it's all for you God, I am running hard and fast for you, my actions say, "it's still kind of all about me." I can't let go. I can't break through. I can't succeed with God."
The pounding of my feet on the sidewalk of God's mission, start to turn into fists pounding on my heart, saying "Why can't you just do better?"
Pound. You gotta get it together.
Pound. People won't see Christ in you.
Pound. Are you really a Christ follower when you mess up so much?
Pound. You are selfish.
And one who is beaten to the ground, can't be running a good race for Jesus.
One who is pounding themselves, can't be pounding the ground.
One fallen, can't be encouraging others.
They can't "Run in such a way as to get the prize." (1 Cor. 9:24)
As I investigate my heart, my sin, and my desire, I am coming to see that God understands this roadblock too.
In order to run, run, run, we are instructed to unload, unload, unload: "let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance..." (Heb 12:1)
so that in the day of Christ I may be proud that I did not run in vain or labor in vain. (Phil 2:6)
Jesus understands the struggle of a heart striving towards him. He doesn't come to point our our lagger tendencies. He tells us to unload and rise up. To let go, and to move our feet. To say I am sorry, and to speed into his love. To send the failure fits to the sidelines and to move forward in faithful fury.
I've noticed, as I can let that go, I no longer feel like a girl running in circles, I no longer feel like the big loser on Olympics day, but instead I start to move forward - in a straight line - gliding into forgiveness, forging into peace, wholeheartedly striding into hope and joyfully pumping into the cheering applause of my loving Savior who roots me on with all that he is.
So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. 1 Cor. 9:26
The question is not will I fall, because I will. The question, is - will I unload, confess and believe the promises of God (aka - get back up again), because this is where the race is won. This is where I stop pounding myself for every bad action and start pounding the streets with the message of Jesus Christ crucified and glorified.
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