I closed my eyes.
I wanted to be with God. I wanted to spend time with him - I had carved out this time for just that - so I climbed up onto his lap, imagining he was holding me.
I craved love.
Yet, as I rested in his arms, I realized something - something I had never had before: I was scared. Like a newborn, with arms flailing, my body tensed. I felt at-risk, vulnerable and, most of all, I felt like God might hurt me.
Where did this come from God? I never knew.
When you get before God,
he gets his truth before you.
And this is how it is. Nearly every time I make an effort to come before God - by waiting to hear, expecting his Word to work and being with him - I dig up some little flicker of gold that is transformational to my spiritual walk.
This time, it was this: If I believe God's a God of injury, not ministry, my approach towards him will always be cautionary.
Like that game of "catch-me-when-I-fall," if I don't believe I can let go, fall back and be caught, I'll never fall - fully surrendered. Instead, I'll imagine my head being split open - every. single. time.
Internally, I will put on an imaginary helmet; I will:
- Overdo it
- Forget about him
- Get distracted
- Live anxious
So here I stand. Wanting to fix. Because that is what we do when things are broken - we fix. Right? I want to get out my screwdriver and adjust my loose bolts. Or get out the jackhammer and hit myself over the head with it a couple times. Or to recite a bible verse and get my mind straight. I want to rewire and redo myself until I FULLY. TRUST. GOD.
Yet, a voice of true inner-ministry rises; God's voice:
Draw near to (me) and (I) will draw near to you. Ja. 4:8
There is a counselor inside us, the Holy Spirit, wanting to counsel.
There is a God of love, who waits for us to receive his gift.
There is a moment of joy that is ours if we wait for its arrival.
Like the UPS truck. If we look out for God, we will see him drive up.
If the gates are closed, we will miss him. If they are open, we will get the gift we've been looking for.
When he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all the truth.
He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears,
and he will tell you what is yet to come. (Jo. 16:3)
I want this. I want to be so held by God's heart that my fleshly heartbeat fades under the resounding covering of his. I want to be able to let this love in; this holds risk.
Usually, we hold God back,
because at one time or another,
man held us back.
God's love will never let us down. It looks not like that person who hurt you. It looks not like those feelings that destroyed you. It looks not conditional. Or dependent on performance. It is steady. It is perfect. It works. It heals. It renews. It changes you and me into the likeness of Jesus. It opens new doors. It heals relationships. It mends a broken heart. It cleans up old messes. It induces forgiveness that brings life. It creates wild momentum in your heart, neighborhood and even the world. It brings nations back together and brings Jesus to earth.
Let it in.
God, the truth is:
Vulnerability feels vulnerable.
Openess feels open.
Love feels risky.
You feel overwhelming.
Help me feel okay with the power of your power to change me. Help me trust you more. Help me be in your love. Help me feel your acceptance. Help me know you won't leave me. Help me abide in you. Amen.