Lisa Appelo

What "This Is Us" Gets Right about Grief

#community, fears, healing, encouragement #grief #trending


I have been fascinated with This is Us. I stopped watching at one point because of some content, but I kept getting pulled into the primary storyline — Jack’s death and its impact on his family.

If you’re not a This is Us viewer, the show follows three 40-year-old siblings, interplaying scenes from their current lives with their growing up years. Their father, Jack, is a phenomenal dad and husband. The show’s only revealed that Jack died when the kids were teens and though Jack’s death impacts nearly every substory, we’ve not yet been told the full story.

I’ve watched This is Us like I’m watching a documentary. How will they handle Rebecca’s grief? How does the family absorb such shock? How do his children get from there to here?

It’s not just Jack’s death. This is Us has spent whole episodes on the dying and death of William, another on Dr. Katowski’s grief after his wife died. The show unfolded the grief of losing one of the triplets and the death of William’s mother.

Unlike any other show in recent memory, This is Us is laced with grief – and surprise, surprise — has gotten so much right. So far, here’s what This is Us gets right about grief.

Let people grieve at their pace

Tuesday’s show opened as Beth assured Randall he didn’t have to do anything with William’s things just yet. This is such grace. Everyone processes grief differently. Some need to move forward quickly; others need to process more slowly. Some need to be with people; others need more alone time. Instead of imposing arbitrary timelines and expectations, we need to give grace to let people grieve at their own pace.

Share your stories

So many tears Tuesday but especially when the postman asks about William. Sure, it felt a bit personal and awkward but did you see how healing it was when he shared memories of William that Randall never knew? That is pure gift —  unearthed treasures of how your loved one impacted others.

Say their name

The postman also got this right – he said William’s name. We tend to think saying the name of a child who died in a car accident or the wife who died of cancer will make it hurt worse. But it’s actually a healing balm to hear the name of someone we love. Even when it brings tears, they are good tears that bring with them a flood of warm memories.

Celebrate the things they loved

Randall’s daughters chose to celebrate their grandfather’s life with the things he loved — his favorite breakfast, a walk down the street wearing hats like his. What a way to cherish the life that was. Maybe it’s buying the coffee he always bought or a yearly trip to her favorite restaurant. When we remember “Daddy would have loved this” and “this was one of Dad’s favorite places,” it stirs up rich memories we want to hang onto.

Little things are missed most

When Beth “toasts” William, she notes the little things – hearing his humming every morning as he brushed his teeth. “I can look all over this house and see the memories we shared.”

In grief, you realize the little things are big things. It’s not the nice vacations or fancy dinners out that are missed. It’s hearing him walk through the kitchen door each night, seeing his grin across the table, cleaning the shaving cream left in the sink each morning. Grief is a thousand daily losses.

Death forever divides time

“We’ll remember things as before William and after William,” Beth says. Loss is a hinge on which one door closes and another opens. It forever alters the trajectory of life.  It separates not just people, but a way of life. Life is divided and defined as before he died, and after he died.

Stuffing grief won’t prevent it

We’ve seen hints that Kate is stuck in her grief. Randall wisely tells her to let her feelings out. The depth of sadness, despair, anger and fear in grief is physically painful and emotionally wrecking. And while I’m no grief counselor, I’ve seen that if we don’t  allow ourselves to fully feel grief, we will not process it. Stuffing and ignoring don’t eliminate grief; they postpone it.

The impact is forever

There’s not a season of grief that’s over and done. It may look different, less intense, but the impact of loss will be felt forever. Jack’s death hangs over the entire storyline in This is Us because grief changes who you are. Grief is the last part of a love relationship.


Of course, what This is Us never addresses is Christian grief. Grief for the believer is always hemmed with anticipation and hope. Though we grieve deeply, we do not grieve as those without hope.

For the believer, death may have altered the trajectory of this life, but it points us to the direction we’re ultimately headed.

While grief may feel like a forever impact, it’s a momentary loss on eternity’s line.

And the loss that cuts so deeply here is incomparable to the fullness that waits for us in heaven.

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How to Root Out Fear that Settles in Dark

#fear #worry #trust

This would be the year he’d learn to swim.

Getting my toddler ready for his first day of lessons, I calmly met each anxious question.

Thing is, with a pool in our backyard and summer highs hitting triple digits, learning to swim is a necessity.

As I walked him to the pool, I convinced him enough just to sit at the pool’s edge with his classmates.

The instructor started slowly – teaching the kids to blow bubbles at the surface and progressing to skim boards powered by energetic kicking. Finally, one by one, she took each toddler underwater as they held their breath.

Matt took one look and ran – past me and out the gate.

I knew his fears were unfounded. As a parent, it was so easy to see that he could do this. In fact, if he could get past his fear, he’d actually love it.

But his fear stopped him from seeing any of that.

Finally, one evening, I got in our pool with him. I held him tight and reassured him that I’d go underwater with him.

“Ready. Set. Go!” We sucked in our breath and ducked underwater and then back up.

See? You did it.  Again and again, down and up, down and up, me holding him underwater and then back up together, Matt learned there was nothing to fear. In fact, he actually liked it.

Most of us have fears that keep us just as paralyzed. We hold onto anxieties of what-if’s as we sit on the edge of unknown tomorrows.

Some of my fears are those tasks that seem impossible — so far outside my comfort zone I don’t even know where to start.

Some of my fears stem from things outside of my control. Will the economy tank? Will something happen to my health?

I have fears regarding my children. What kind of choices will they make out on their own? Will she be okay driving home on the interstate?

Even when I step out in faith, I’m surprised at the fear I can often take along with me, wondering whether it will all pan out.

We may live in a world of unknowns but God does not intend for us to walk through it scared.

But you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear but you received the spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, “Abba. Father.”

Fear keeps us bound up — sidelined so that we never take the plunge God has for us. It keeps us wrapped up so tight we’re unable to freely and fully live out our days.

Fear takes up residence in places where peace and joy belong.

But how? How to root out the fearful thoughts, the angst that awakens and settles in the dark hours, the paralysis that would keep us stuck on the edge?

We can trust His love.

There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear. 1 John 4:18

The opposite of fear is not faith. The opposite of fear is love.

Only when Perfect Love has come into every corner of our thoughts and emotions and tomorrows can we realize there is no room left for fear.

And so we wrap ourselves in God’s perfect love rather than wracking ourselves with unproven fear.

Living enough years gives perspective to look back and see: not one of those fears that I ever conjured up has come to be.

Interestingly, the one thing I never, ever thought would happen – never gave it a thought or had one second of fear over – has happened.

And yet, even in this, God has held us tight. Even as it’s ushered in all new fears, God pulls me to Him, to allow His Perfect Love to crowd out any space for fear.

We can trust His love.

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There Are No If's with God

#faith #faith, encouragement, healing, fears #faith crisis #belief

I think we all want to have more faith. We want to go through the circumstances that life hands out, the tests and trials and frustrations with full, triumphant confidence that God has it.

But then life hands us that circumstance.

We started well but now we’re waiting and well past the initial resilience we first had.
We meet up with that test and in fear of what might happen, rely on our own ways.
We don’t see and because we can’t see we begin to fill with self-doubt and really – God doubt.

“I believe; help my unbelief!”

Those are the words of a father whose son desperately needed to be healed. In our 100 Days with Christ study, we read Mark 9 this week which tells of a boy who was demon-possessed, causing seizures where he foamed at the mouth and gnashed his teeth. The seizures often nearly took his life as he rolled into fires and rivers.

The father had brought his son to Jesus, but Jesus wasn’t there. And when the apostles tried to heal him, they could not.

Picture the scene: A crushed father. A heartbreaking need. Powerless apostles. Disdainful rabbis. An expectant crowd.

The perfect setting not just to meet need and move on but to teach those who would follow Jesus about faith. Critical lessons we need to get down deep.

First, unbelief is a sin. I’m tempted to call it a weakness. A wrestling. A less-than constitution as if God hands out faith of different sizes to each of us.

But Jesus sternly rebuked his apostles for their unbelief. You see, He’d already equipped them with everything they needed to heal this man.

Faith is the Samsonian lock of the Christian; cut it off, and you may put out his eyes—and he can do nothing. ~ Spurgeon.

Second, all things are possible with God. Who knows how many times this father’s hopes had been dashed over the years. It seemed improbable. Even the apostles – those closest to Jesus — had been unable to help.

And so, bringing his son to Jesus, this father cried, “But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.”

“‘If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for one who believes.”

We may have to wait well past our point of natural resilience.
We may have to fight off fears and imaginations of what could happen.
We may not see the possibility in the situation at all.

But there are no if’s with God.


Finally, we need to know faithlessness can result from prayerlessness.

When the disciples asked Jesus privately why they’d been unable to drive the demon out, Jesus told them it could only come out by prayer.

Oh friend, how easily we forget that we’ve been equipped but we must also be empowered through prayer.

It’s not a try-harder faith.

My faith will fail every time if I try in my own strength. Faith is a gift from God and we must go to Him regularly, boldly, unceasingly to give us what we do not have on our own.

These recent words from Beth Moore have stayed with me:



If we find ourselves faithless, perhaps it’s because we are prayerless. 

There are no if’s with God. When we go to God, He will give us the faith we need to walk through the circumstances life hands us.

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