Bring all of your pain, sorrow, and tears to Jesus and allow Him to give your soul peace. This is not a one-time practice, but rather, something we must continue to do throughout our lives.
Recently, I was with my family, and my dad wanted to ride the carousel at a park. None of us had ridden a ride in over a decade, so I agreed to my dad’s request and we rode the carousel. On the carousel, my brain automatically searched for my mom, and I started panicking, thinking, “Where is she?” My eyes kept scanning the outer perimeters of the carousel, looking for her, but I couldn't find her.
And then it hit me. For about two minutes, I had forgotten that my mom passed away almost a decade ago. I stared blankly at the ground as the carousel finished, and I allowed the sadness to swell inside of me. My mom wasn't going to be there when we stepped off the carousel, just like she wasn't going to be there for any other part of our lives anymore.
I believe what triggered this depressing event for me was that my mom always watched when my dad and I, or my sisters and I, would ride a ride. She would hold everybody’s things and wave to us from the sidelines. Since I hadn't ridden a ride in almost a decade, it makes sense why I was looking for her while we were riding the carousel. My brain was still computing that she was supposed to be somewhere out in the crowd, but she wasn't.
Healing Doesn't Always Come
Although my mom has been gone for almost a decade, I still have times when my brain has convinced me that she is still with us, just like this situation at the carousel. I have also had times when I swore I saw her out in public, but it is just a random woman. While I understand this is a trauma response, I have been told that it is odd that it is still affecting me all these years later. However, what some might see as odd might just be what they don't understand.
I haven't come across a person who lost their mom when they were a teenager as it normally doesn't happen. While I'm sure there are people across the world whose moms passed away when they were a teen, I personally haven't met anyone. The closest I came to knowing someone who also related to experiencing the death of someone they loved at a young age was a friend from college. Her fiance passed away due to a car accident, and his death sent her into a depression that still shows up every now and then.
She has since married another man, but you can tell that her former fiance’s death still bothers her. I can relate to my friend in some instances because she lost someone she loved at a young age; however, I can't go out and get a new mom. It's not like I can just start over again. My mom was my mom and there is no replacing her, and I wouldn't want to. My mom wasn't perfect, but she was the best mom for my sisters and me.
It is not surprising that our lives would change so much after her passing since she was the heartbeat of our family. You could always depend on her and rely on her to help you solve any problems. Nowadays, we tend to feel lost about the problems we face. We try our best, but nothing has been the same since my mom passed away.
Allowing Grief to Take Up a Part of Your Life
Ever since the day my mom passed away, grief has taken up a significant amount of space in my heart. I will never be the same person I was before my mom passed away. Granted, I already had depression prior to my mom’s passing, but her passing has done nothing to help my depression. It has only grown and intensified. Most people think depression is just crying and staying in your bed, and sometimes it is, but other times, it is anger outbursts, feeling misunderstood, or feeling hopeless about the future.
Grief coexisting with depression is a double punch that I have to face every day. A new family moved in behind our home, and to this day, I cannot understand how they host parties and celebrations outside of their home almost every weekend. While my logical mind understands they never knew my mom and my personal loss doesn't affect them, I still don't understand how the world can keep spinning when my own life died a long time ago. Nothing is the same anymore, and it will never be the same again.
Many people will say this is pessimistic, but for those who say that, I would argue that they have never gone through the death of a loved one or had to face grief. They simply don't understand. Sometimes it takes all the strength in your body to admit that things won't be the same because, when you do, the tears come, and the pain in your heart intensifies. Things will never be the same, and there is no point pretending they will be.
My entire family has been affected by the death of my mom and rightfully so. To have someone so central to your life pass away is enough to send anyone into the darkest spiral of sorrow, depression, and pain. My family and I try our best to pick up the recovered pieces of this painful thing we call life, but our lives have been permanently altered by my mom’s death, and things will never return to what they were when she was alive.
Giving Yourself Permission to Grieve Your Former Life
Something that I have had to do is allow myself to grief my past life. When my mom was here, everything seemed brighter. It wasn't perfect by any means, but it was better because she was in it. Once she passed away, it felt as though all the light in my life burned out. If you have also felt this, know that you are not alone in your struggles. We need to turn to Jesus and rely on Him to help us as we take time to grieve.
Grieving will last for a long time, and for some of us, it might last for the rest of our lives. We have to understand that this is okay and is nothing to be ashamed of. We grieve so much because we loved so much. Therefore, we never need to be ashamed of our tears or our memories because they are immeasurable.
Through the pain and grief, we never need to ignore the Lord. We can cast our anxieties, worries, and fears on Him because He cares for us (1 Peter 5:7). Bring all of your pain, sorrow, and tears to Jesus and allow Him to give your soul peace. This is not a one-time practice, but rather, something we must continue to do throughout our lives. When pain, anxiety, and struggles come into your heart, hand them over to Jesus.
All of the hardships in life will not endure forever. I will see my mom again in heaven, and whatever is causing you pain today will also see its end. Death, agony, and pain are not our final destination. Rather, eternal life with the Lord is our forever home, and we will never be full of sorrow again (Revelation 21:4). Take heart in knowing the Lord is with you, and He will mend the broken pieces of your heart (Psalm 147:3).
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