My husband doesn’t think I’m pretty.
There’s no mistake or mystery about this. He regularly publicizes his belief.
It’s not as though I haven’t tried to dissuade him. John just doubles down, citing his education for his unwavering opinion. “I have an art degree.”
What am I to do?
I’ve highlighted my height (or lack thereof). I’ve addressed the ugly—yet unyielding—growth around my girth. Unlike my cute niece, my face lacks dimples.
He only shakes his head. To date, he still clings to the belief that I’m not pretty.
That’s because he thinks I’m very pretty.
I’m not telling you his opinion to brag about my beauty. John is just super biased.
Let’s just say his view and mine widely diverge.
The real reason I share this tidbit is to show one of the many benefits of marrying God’s pick.
(Not that I’m insinuating marriage should happen only because of the bride’s beauty or the groom’s broad shoulders. All things equal, however, wouldn’t you rather navigate life with a spouse enraptured, instead of unimpressed, by your looks?)
John’s and my road to marriage held more stop signs than most. We both had to wait—and wait—before the Lord’s candidate for us materialized. We puttered around in Single Town long after fellow singletons found the elusive exit.
But it’s precisely this background that qualifies me to issue a warning: Please don’t walk down the aisle for these wrong reasons:
Loneliness
Feeling lonely? A recent survey suggests you’re not alone. Around 60% of Americans feel lonely on a regular basis.
You might think it makes sense to cure loneliness by getting hitched. After all, people are the best antidote for loneliness. Right?
Nope. You can feel lonely regardless of the presence of others. This means you can feel lonely even in a marriage.
Using marriage as an escape hatch won’t work. Nobody—including your spouse—can successfully meet all of your emotional needs, of which loneliness is one.
Consider a better strategy. While both married people and singles will always have a reason to keep working on themselves, it’s advantageous to work through your emotional needs while you’re still unattached. Since deep calls unto deep (Psalm 42:7), your emotional soundness will attract a partner with a similar disposition.
Isn’t it better for you and your betrothed to enter marriage without baggage?
Age
Back in my single days—before WhatsApp exploded in fame—I once received a phone call from my mother’s uncle. The elderly relative thought the following wisdom was important enough to impart, he placed an international call regardless of the exorbitant cost. “Don’t be so career-minded that you’re neglecting marriage!”
“Yes,” I answered. The pithy shortcut had to suffice. I wasn’t about to elaborate with "Actually, I’m staying single because I’m waiting for God’s best for me, not because I’m too wrapped up in work."
I’m sure you have your own war stories. From family pressures to those that arise from your ever-increasing age—which, of course, directly relates to your biological clock and the ability to bear children—it’s understandable if a prolonged state of singleness drives you desperate for marriage.
But getting married because of anything other than because it’s God’s will for you is bound to backfire. Even if a divorce doesn’t dash your marriage, your union may not feel fulfilling—the opposite of Jesus’ mission to bring us life more abundantly (John 10:10, MEV).
To experience that abundant life in the context of marriage, abandon any other prospects. Ask Him to matchmake for you instead.
Shapes and Sex
Should you marry someone you’re not physically attracted to? Well, no. Sexual attraction is a crucial component of marriage.
At the same time, neither should you marry because of physical attraction only. Whether we like it or not, “beauty is fleeting” (Proverbs 31:30).
How fleeting?
As flitting as a flower in bloom. “All flesh is grass, and all its loveliness is like the flower of the field. The grass withers, the flower fades, when the breath of the Lord blows upon it; the people are indeed grass!” (Isaiah 40: 6-7, NASB).
Someone who pledges to spend forever with you primarily for your looks can renege once youth and its accouterments fade.
Then there’s sex. Many young Christians rush to get married so as not to commit sexual sins as a single person. Given the scriptural admonition to “avoid sexual immorality” (1 Thessalonians 4:3), their intention is understandable.
However, God’s remedy for sexual urges is not marriage. Instead, whether single or married, we are to “learn to control our own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong or take advantage of a brother or sister” (1 Thessalonians 4:4-6).
Marriage encompasses so much more than sex. There are couples who remain married and love each other even without a vibrant sex life. Conversely, there are those who indulge in lewd sexual activities but can’t make a marriage last.
Choosing Marriage
Different formats exist when it comes to today’s intimate relationships. For instance, some read “don’t get married for the wrong reasons” as “don’t get married.” The increase in cohabitation rates attests to the popularity of practicing sex outside marital bonds.
Friends with benefits adds another possibility. This arrangement happens when so-called friends agree to trade sexual favors for each other, minus any romantic entanglement.
Some aspire to chuck monogamy altogether. Enter polyamory, a form of relationship that allows participants to conduct intimate relationships with multiple partners at once.
If engaging in any of these acts edified us, God would’ve specified them in His Word, along with tips for best practices. The Holy Spirit would’ve inspired the Apostle Paul to craft guidelines on having holy polyamory when he penned 1 Corinthians 7, the chapter on singles and sex.
Listen, instead, to how God elevates marriage: “Have respect for marriage. Always be faithful to your partner, because God will punish anyone who is immoral or unfaithful in marriage” (Hebrews 13:4, CEV).
Marriage is a good thing. More importantly, it’s a God thing.
The One who created marriage (Genesis 2:18, Matthew 19:4-6) is also able to place a yearning within us for it. Remember, the Lord delights in giving us the desires of our hearts (Psalm 20:4, Psalm 37:4-5, Psalm 145:16, Psalm 145:19, Proverbs 10:24, Mark 11:22-24).
If you’re in the market for marriage, please trust your Maker to pick your mate. Ask God to direct your steps and sensitize your hearing. This way, “your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, ‘This is the way, walk in it,’ when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left” (Isaiah 30:21)—all the way until your path intersects that of your future spouse.
Nobody who hopes in Him will be ashamed (Psalm 25:3)—including regarding matters of the heart.
But if relationship issues stump you, no matter what your relationship status is, send your inquiry to my advice column.
I promise to seek God as I compose my response.
Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Maria Korneeva
Audrey Davidheiser, PhD is a California licensed psychologist, certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist, and IFSI-approved clinical consultant. After founding and directing a counseling center for the Los Angeles Dream Center, she now devotes her practice to survivors of trauma—including spiritual abuse. If you need her advice, visit her on www.aimforbreakthrough.com
