10 Things Couples Should Never Say in an Argument

10 Things Couples Should Never Say in an Argument

Marriage is hard. When spouses stop communicating or speaking each other’s love language, it is easy to resort to fighting. But these spats, when they happen consistently, can change the temperature of a marriage. And if we don’t choose our words carefully, what may seem like a meaningless argument can turn into hurt feelings and unforgiveness, damaging the relationship and even leading to divorce in some cases.

Here are a few statements to avoid during an argument with your spouse:

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  • "You’re not the person I thought you were."

    "You’re not the person I thought you were."

    This is normally meant to indicate that your spouse is not who you expected them to be or the person you want now. It’s not right to project an unrealistic expectation onto your spouse—this concept of an ideal mate that they will never live up to.

    As Christians, we should not be the same person we were five years ago, or even one year ago. If both spouses are pursuing God, He will do the work of transformation so we can experience the fullness of life God has for us.

    In marriage, we need to take the good and the bad of each other. That is why we vow “for better or for worse.” This applies to both circumstances and people. Commit to your vows and allow yourself to be used by God to make your spouse a better person.

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  • "I wish I had married someone else."

    "I wish I had married someone else."

    More than likely, both you and your spouse have dated other people before. In some cases, there may have even been an engagement. Bringing that up will cause old wounds that may have healed to reopen, which does no good for anyone involved. It expresses the belief that you made some sort of mistake.

    No one wants to feel like a mistake. God doesn’t make mistakes. God placed you two together to make you both better and to transform you into Christlikeness—together. Even when things get tough, remember that God has a plan and purpose for you, both together and individually.

    "You’re stupid."

    Many people resort to this statement to make themselves feel better when they are not measuring up in the marriage. This is a way to cut the other person down so they can feel superior.

    But these words can result in the other person feeling like they can’t measure up to their spouse.

  • "If I had known then, what I know now..."

    "If I had known then, what I know now..."

    You chose your spouse for a reason. Whether those warm, fuzzy, romantic feelings are still there or not, there is no reason to state that if you knew marriage was this tough you never would have married.

    God brings people together in marriage as a representation of what the church’s relationship with Jesus should look like.

    To tell your spouse you want to quit when the going gets tough, in essence, tells the world you’d quit your relationship with God the minute things don’t go your way. Is this the type of relationship God wants for his children?

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  • "I don’t love you."

    "I don’t love you."

    This statement can cut your spouse to the core.

    Love goes through different phases. When you are first married, you feel those romantic butterflies. But as the years go by, love matures. Those romantic feelings are replaced with mutual love and respect for each other. Just because you don’t feel loving, doesn’t mean you don’t love each other anymore.

    Refrain from making this statement in the heat of the moment. You’ll spare both you and your spouse a lot of heartbreak.

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  • "I think we need some time apart."

    "I think we need some time apart."

    This is taking one step closer to divorce. Instead of “getting some space,” take a little time alone to evaluate your soul. What issues (past or present) are preventing you from having the abundant joy in your marriage promised to us through Christ? Journal your feelings and search Scripture. Let the Holy Spirit convict you of any sin preventing you from exhibiting the fruits of the spirit.

    You will be amazed at how this changes your perspective about the world around you, including your marriage. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you see your spouse the way He does—through God’s eyes. Let the Spirit guide you into truth; then take a hard look at your part in why your marriage isn’t as great as it could be.

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  • " I can’t forgive you."

    " I can’t forgive you."

    This attitude leads to anger, which, when left unchecked, leads to bitterness. Bitterness grows roots like a tree that surround the heart and are difficult to remove. The Bible clearly instructs us to “not let the sun go down on your anger, and don’t give the devil a foothold” (Ephesians 4:26-27).

    These are words to live by. If we don’t forgive others, God won’t forgive us. Seek the help of a professional, if needed, to work through and resolve your anger. Even in the case of adultery, people can be forgiven. With the power of God, anyone can. Everything is covered under the blood of Christ. Practice the beauty of forgiveness by forgiving the person closest to you.

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  • "If you would just…"

    "If you would just…"

    There is nothing wrong with expressing yourself regarding your needs and expectations, but it shouldn’t be used as fuel for conflict.

    Let’s be frank—it takes two people to get married and two to divorce.Just because your spouse isn’t holding up their part in the marriage doesn’t mean you are doing any better. Marriage is 100/100, not 50/50, as some would believe. To say marriage is 50/50 means you are only obligated to give half of yourself to the relationship, trusting that the other person will pick up the slack.

    Christ gave Himself to the church and sacrificed His whole self.We should too.

    "You are just like your father/mother."

    Normally, when this statement is used, it is far from flattering. When you get married, you don’t just begin a life with the person, but also their family. It’s not fair to highlight a spouse’s unflattering qualities by comparing them to their parents.

    Everyone should be treated as their own person, not some secondary version of a parent. You wouldn’t want your spouse to compare you to the negative traits of your parent, would you?

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  • "I want a divorce."

    "I want a divorce."

    I know this one is obvious, but from the beginning of our marriage, my husband and I have always said divorce was off the table. We made a commitment in front of our church family to be together until God decides to separate us through death.

    Saying these words out loud will cast a dark cloud over your marriage. Commit to not saying this to your spouse.

    There may be times when you feel or even think the words, but don’t give them a voice. Like the toothpaste in the tube, you can’t take it back.

    Get into your local church and allow them to help you when meaningless spats grow into larger issues. Allow the church to help you stay true to the vows you made and help you have the best marriage possible. Finally, exhibit self-control and don’t allow these statements to escape your lips. Work on your own soul so you can be the best spouse and give yourself wholly to your marriage.

    Michelle S. Lazurek is an award-winning author, speaker, pastor's wife and mother. Winner of the Golden Scroll Children's Book of the Year, the Enduring Light Silver Medal and the Maxwell Award, she is a member of the Christian Author's Network and the Advanced Writers and Speakers Association. She is also an associate literary agent with Wordwise Media Services. For more information, please visit her website at michellelazurek.com.

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