I hate to admit it, but some of the ugliest arguments in my marriage have centered on holidays, particularly Christmas. This time of year is hectic and financially stressful. It’s great at convincing you to set false expectations for your loved ones, too.
We want to make our toddlers cooperate for Christmas photos, bosses give a Christmas bonus, friends host the annual Christmas sweater party, in-laws be flexible with their schedule, and spouses grin through all our ups and downs amid the chaos. Unfortunately, though, when our expectations aren’t met, particularly with our spouses, fights, name-calling, and distance threaten to ruin any Hallmark holiday romance.
Christmas is meant to remind us of the beauty of sacrificial giving, of Christ granting us the mercy and grace we could never earn. Why not honor and celebrate Christmas by gifting your spouse that same treasure of extra mercy, grace, and love in this busy season?
If you’re looking for ways to keep your marriage strong despite the holiday stress, consider these simple ideas:
1. Turn Shopping for the Kids into a Date Night
It’s easy and convenient to buy all of your kids’ gifts on Amazon, but instead of keeping all of your purchases digital, go on a date night that includes dinner, a trip to snag your favorite Christmas drink, and a trip to several of your children’s favorite stores.
Hold hands in the car, take turns picking out Christmas carols to play, and reminisce on your favorite Christmas memories as a family.
Consumerism doesn’t have to consume your marriage this Christmas. Instead, use this opportunity to buy gifts while finding festive fun in your marriage.
(Bonus points for co-creating a gift-buying budget before the date night! It minimizes miscommunication and mitigates potential arguments.)
2. Go on a Festive Date Night
Festive date nights always add a bit of romantic flair. Take advantage of the Christmas season’s special offers, like formal Christmas orchestra concerts and plays. Get dressed up and dine at a five-star restaurant known for its holiday desserts. If you live in an area where Christmas is snowy, check if local, private sleigh rides are available. Check out the local ice-skating rink. Warm up the car, grab a pizza to-go, and drive around town to look at Christmas lights. Snuggle up on the couch and watch some of your favorite Christmas movies.
Let these magical date-night ideas spark new romance in your marriage!
3. Check in with Each Other (with a Christmas Twist)
One thing I truly appreciate about my husband is how often he asks how I’m doing, and when I want to gloss over the question with a shallow answer, he responds, “No, I’m seriously asking how you’re doing. Are you okay?” Check in with each other during the holidays, as this season can be packed with stress, sadness, grief, and disappointments.
Make this check-in part of your weekly (if not daily) routine, and add a bit of Christmas magic by checking in over a cup of hot chocolate or apple cider. Though this season is wild, it can be sweet and even healing when you let your spouse feel seen and heard.
4. Serve Together
Christmastime offers numerous opportunities for you to serve others, including soup kitchens, clothing closets, toy drives, Operation Christmas Child, church outreach programs, benefit balls, non-profit auctions, and more. Consider 2-3 service opportunities that both of you are passionate about and participate in them together.
Let’s be honest, there’s nothing more attractive than watching your spouse serve the Lord and minister to others, so why not let special, festive service opportunities keep romance alive throughout the busy holiday season?
5. Participate in a Couple’s Advent Bible Study
Advent Bible studies, devotionals, and activities are endless, so take advantage of these Christ-centered resources by participating in an Advent study together. Take turns leading the readings and discussion, and use this as an opportunity to focus on one another, spending quality one-on-one time together.
(If you can’t find an Advent study that seems to fit, consider another Christmas devotional you can do as a couple.)
6. Co-create the Holiday Schedule
Part of the stress of Christmas is the never-ending to-do list, but the stress worsens when we are shuffled from one event to the next without warning. If you’re dragging your spouse from party to church function to choir concert without a respectful heads-up, they can feel rushed and unable to prioritize their day correctly. Thus, it’s easy for agitation to set in, which is quickly followed by anger and arguments if it’s not kept in check.
This Christmas season, sit down together and decide ahead of time which events your family will participate in and which ones you won’t. Or, consider dividing up certain events so that neither spouse feels they have to attend everything all the time.
7. Set Respectful, Firm Boundaries with Extended Family
It’s easy to feel pulled in too many directions when you have extended family placing expectations on you, your spouse, and your children. While we want to honor our families and celebrate with them this Christmas season, we must first acknowledge the demands on our immediate family. We are responsible for how we protect our marriage and discipline our children, so we must do what is best for them before prioritizing relatives we rarely speak to throughout the year.
If there is a history of bitterness or arguments involving in-laws, sit down with your spouse and ask how they would feel most comfortable and able to participate in Christmas celebrations. Be open and honest with each other to ensure proper, healthy boundaries are not only established but also maintained by husband and wife.
8. Recognize and Mitigate One Another’s Stressors
My husband knows my stressors. In fact, he doesn’t have to understand what has happened throughout my day, because simply hearing a specific tone in my voice or seeing a particular look on my face, he understands that I’m overwhelmed. This Christmas season, be attentive to your spouse and recognize when they feel stressed. Please do your best to mitigate known stressors by assuming specific responsibilities that might typically be assigned to others.
If grocery shopping is overwhelming for them, take on that chore on your way home from work. If their senses can’t take another loud Christmas carol blaring in the car, gently tell the kids that you’re turning off the music to give Mom/Dad a few minutes of quiet. If wrapping gifts is just one more to-do for your spouse, offer to make a snack, brew some coffee, and wrap gifts with them.
Know your spouse’s stressors, recognize the subtle signs they are overwhelmed, and stand in the gap to protect their hearts and minds this Christmas.
9. Be Intentional with Gifts
It’s too easy in this age of consumerism to find a generic, cheap Christmas gift. You don’t even have to leave your home anymore to have a gift right at your doorstep—prewrapped, too! This year, don’t settle for easy. Instead, be intentional with the gift you grant your spouse. Maybe it’s a customized locket with her children’s names engraved on it, or it’s a vintage sports jersey from his favorite football team. Get a gift that says, “I know you. I pay attention to what brings you joy.”
Bonus points if you wrap the gift yourself!
10. Pray for One Another
I opened this article with vulnerability, and I’ll end it the same—I typically pray for my children far more than I pray for my spouse. And that’s not only unfair but wrong. My spouse’s heart and soul are just as important. Better yet, the state of his heart and soul as our family’s spiritual leader directly impacts the heart and soul of my boys. I have recently been more conscientious about lifting my husband to God in prayer, and I encourage you to do the same in a season where stress and grief can creep in.
Christmas is meant to reignite our love for the Lord and his salvation, so why not share Christ’s love with your spouse by praying for their soul?
The Gift of One Another
Marriage is a gift. It’s a holy covenant we have the honor to participate in. Don’t minimize both its responsibility and joy this Christmas. When you place your spouse’s spiritual, mental, physical, and even social well-being above yours, you’re sure to have that same selflessness reciprocated, reflecting the selflessness of the Baby who humbly came to save us all.
Photo credit: ©GettyImages/svetikd
