When I find myself on my high horse, I remind my heart that all sin deserves judgment. This means each of us is only saved because of Christ, and each of us can only make right, holy decisions because of the Spirit.
This spiritual understanding applies to all sinners, no matter how minor their record. Thus, emotional cheating is no different than physical cheating, as both are rooted in a heart controlled by lust, selfishness, and a vacancy that can only be filled by the Father.
What Is Emotional Cheating?
In short, it’s giving your head and heart to someone even though you haven’t given them your body:
“Does anyone else think that’s a little weird?” I asked a trusted coworker, outside the office, after months and months of this question rolling around in my mind. She admitted that it was, indeed, weird, and that the higher-ups had already had the conversation with these staff members.
No one wanted to spell out the details because, though the situation was obvious, it was awkward, and things were a bit too gray for anyone to make blatant accusations.
A female staffer, married, was constantly chatting, grabbing lunch, and joking-but-it-seemed-a-lot-like-flirting with a male staffer, not married. My desk sat in the row between theirs, his to my left and hers to my right, so I saw the back-and-forth trips she would take to his work area. I would hear the conversations, the laughter, the outside-the-office plans to hang out.
Emotional cheating has always left those on the outside feeling unable to say much because the emotional crimes don’t seem as blatantly sinful as sexual cheating. There isn’t one big act that defines the moral downfall of both parties. Emotional cheating is often glossed over when infidelity is discussed.
What Does the Bible Say about Marriage and Unfaithfulness?
Matthew 19:6 makes it clear that marriage is sacred, a bond that is never meant to be broken: “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”
Since marriage is a calling, a vow, to imitate Christ’s love for His church, marriage is held to a high standard of purity: "Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral” (Hebrews 13:4).
This means that just as little white lies are a moral crime against God, emotional cheating holds just as much guilt as physical cheating: "You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:27-28).
Jesus’ Words on Adultery—It’s a Heart Issue
As Matthew 5:27-28 just explained, adultery, regardless of how far it goes, is a heart issue. It’s rooted in a desire to be loved and fulfilled, which is natural, but the means by which adultery pursues fulfillment dishonors God, breaks a God-ordained covenant, and tears families apart. It’s never without hurt, pain, and severed trust, even if you believe emotional cheating is harmless.
Investing your romantic emotions in someone else is a willful act to put another above your spouse. It’s an abuse of their love. It’s sin. And as Numbers 32:23 warns: “But if you fail to keep your word, then you will have sinned against the Lord, and you may be sure that your sin will find you out.”
What Should You Do if You Are Having an Emotional Affair
If you’re having an emotional affair, Scripture is clear that you are engaging in a sinful act, a habitual defiance of God’s calling for marriage. As a believer, you are called to repent and sin no more, which is also a calling to receive God’s gift of grace (1 John 1:9).
If an affair, emotional or physical, has harmed your marriage, confess your faults to your spouse and seek their forgiveness. Consider Christian counseling and seek ways to restore trust in your marriage.
Remember, repentance is an ongoing action, a heart posture of humility that seeks purification and holiness each day.
What Should You Do if Your Spouse Had an Emotional or Physical Affair?
If your spouse has had a sexual affair, Jesus is clear that the wedding vow has been broken: “But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery” (Matthew 5:32). Here Scripture is clear that you are free of the vow if sexual sin has been committed against you.
Scripture isn’t black-and-white concerning emotional affairs, but it’s important to recognize that emotional affairs are still acts of lust, and Matthew 5:27-28 is blatant in stating that your heart’s motives are no different than your body’s actions.
If your spouse has had an emotional affair, extend forgiveness and seek restoration (if both parties are genuinely committed). Likewise, seek counsel as an individual to work through any hurt so that bitterness and unhealthy reservations can’t destroy other relationships God blesses you with.
But above all, let your guard down in the presence of the Lord. Lean into Him and those He blesses you with in this trying season.
Practical Guidance for Protecting Your Marriage
Set boundaries as individuals and as a couple. This might look like not being alone with someone of the opposite sex, even if it’s an innocent drive to a work conference. It might mean sharing your phone location or having intentional (but not controlling or aggressive) check-ins throughout the day.
But more than investing in what to avoid, invest in what to grow. Grow your relationship with your spouse through praying together and making date nights consistent and fun. Marriage is a gift, so live in the joy it brings. As Scripture says:
“Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!” Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
“For as a young man marries a young woman, so shall your sons marry you, and as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so shall your God rejoice over you.” Isaiah 62:5
A Prayer for Healing a Marriage after an Affair
Father, no human relationship is perfect, so we ask for your tender mercy and grace for marriages damaged by an affair. Convict those engaging in affairs of any degree, and pull them back to the one whom they’ve vowed forever. Remind them of their covenant with you, and grant forgiveness, humility, strength, and peace as they repent and seek restoration.
Lord, for those harmed by affairs, prod them to be vulnerable with you. Bind the enemy from sowing seeds of bitterness and distrust in their hearts. May their worth be found in your sacrificial love, so much so that they put down their weapons of revenge. Guide them to godly counsel and bless them with your discernment as they seek your will in this heartbreaking time.
In your holy name, Father. Amen.
“Let all that you do be done in love.” 1 Corinthians 16:14
Photo credit: ©Getty Images
