The world of dating is different now. Bethany is 23, having just graduated from college, and is looking to the future, when she will secure a real job, get married, and start her own family. However, the journey to achieving these goals has many challenges and uncertainties.
Dating can be challenging and dating as a believer presents additional challenges. It often feels like the world has transformed in a way that puts you in situations that conflict with the teachings of God’s word. Nevertheless, the Bible is clear: marriage is a sacred vow between one man and one woman, and it all starts with dating.
Here are twelve red flags for a new relationship, practical advice, and tips to remember.
Practical advice: Give it time and stick with your convictions.
It is easier for someone to deceive you if you are rushed into a relationship. The longer the relationship takes to get started, the easier it is to see through deception and reveal the actual person and their character. Stick with your convictions about purity and do not allow yourself to be pressured.
1 Corinthians 6:18: Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually sins against their own body.
Practical advice: Talk openly about what you want in the future.
As you date and get married, remember that you will become one in spirit with the same goals and focus. There will be no surprises if you begin learning about this before marriage.
Philippians 2:2 - Then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind.
Practical advice: Create opportunities to see the dating partner in different settings with different groups of people.
Sometimes, a different personality emerges in various settings and when interacting with others. If he or she is with ‘the boys’ or ‘the girls’, they may change to fit in – treating you differently. Being around different groups will give insight into this possible personal/behavioral change.
James 1:8 – A double-minded man is unstable in all his ways.
Practical Advice: Bring up opportunities to discuss the hot topics.
There are hot topics that often arise in arguments between married couples. Money, shopping habits, time management, children, chores, maintaining a clean home, pets, faith, church attendance, church services, intimacy, health, mental health, where you want to live, and communication style/conflict resolution are just a few of those more serious topics. Discussing your perspective on these issues before entering a more serious relationship is essential.
Ephesians 4:25 – Therefore, each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body.
Practical Advice: Pray together and do a Bible study as a couple.
Don’t just give in to the temptation of doing all the praying; instead, allow your dating partner to pray and contribute to a Bible study. This way, you can see each other’s views of God and spiritual matters. It’s easy for someone who is not spiritually interested to be an inactive observer rather than an active participant, which could be a red flag about their walk with God.
2 Corinthians 6:14-16 - Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?". This encourages relationships with believers.
Practical Advice: Serve together.
Serving together provides a deeper understanding of the other person's level of empathy and compassion. Volunteer at a homeless shelter or at a church event. Being on the giving end, rather than the receiving end, of attention and assistance gives you good insight into the motives of the other person.
1 Corinthians 13:4 - Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
Practical Advice: Do something frustrating together.
Do a DIY project, put together furniture, cook dinner, or even fix something broken together – something that may be frustrating. This way, you understand how the other person deals with conflict.
James 1:9 – Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.
Practical Advice: Make opportunities to do things with each other’s families.
In-laws, issues can wreck a marriage. As you date, make dinner dates, create game nights, or cookout events that will allow each of you to visit with the families of your dating partner. This interaction will reveal how the other person treats their family and how their family will interact with you. The way a person grew up influences the person they become.
I John 1:7 – But if we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, His Son, purifies us from all sin.
Practical Advice: Be truthful – live truthfully.
Don’t change the truth of who you are to fit what the other person wants. Let them see you without being dolled up – with the messy hair, no makeup, and old work clothes. Don’t put on the front that you can’t continue. Allow your dating partner to see your inner beauty, rather than just your outward appearance.
I Peter 3:3-4 – Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and wearing gold jewelry or fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.
Practical Advice: Establish clear boundaries and communicate them confidently.
Spend time away from the person and take the relationship slowly. God has given you an identity outside of any relationship, and no one but God should have control over your life. Establish clear boundaries regarding how you use your time and money, your decisions, and the people you associate with. The need to control will begin in the dating relationship – be watchful.
Galatians 5:1 – It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.
Practical Advice: Be mindful and aware.
Don’t fall into the trap of allowing the relationship to be one-sided. Be mindful if everything begins to revolve around one person – all communication, all decisions, all celebrations, and all problem-solving. The focus should be on both individuals, with equal importance given to each one. Be truthful and confident in advocating for yourself.
Philippians 2:3-4 – Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Instead, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.
Practical Advice: Establish clear boundaries and rules around the use of money.
Measuring a person’s heart by how they use their money is easy. If generosity is shown, it is easier to believe that their heart is compassionate and honoring to God’s scripture and not filled with greed and selfishness. Have that complicated conversation and establish clear rules about who will pay for what and when.
Proverbs 3:9 – Honor the Lord with your wealth and the first fruits of all your produce.
Genesis 2:24 tells us that: a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. Remember, do not allow yourself or your standards to be changed to fit another person's needs. God has ordered your steps and the people you will interact with and join, so spend quiet devotion and prayer to seek His will for your life.
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