November 19, 2010
T. Suzanne Eller
"Settle matters quickly with your adversary..."
Matthew 5:25a (NIV)
"Do you think we could stop by the auction on the way home from church?" I asked.
Hanging out at auctions isn't my husband's favorite thing, but he said yes. I noted that his voice lacked enthusiasm. "We don't have to go if you don't want to," I said. Then I calmly brought up an event from two months earlier. A time I had felt disappointed.
To be honest, he didn't have a fighting chance.
We arrived at church, tension hanging between us. Worship was wonderful. The sermon was great. But all I could hear was the gentle voice of the Holy Spirit showing me how I had used my words to pin my husband in a corner. I reached for his hand and apologized. He willingly forgave me.
When we think of anger we often think of destructive anger. Words and actions that violate and separate. But that's not how most of us operate. For many, our anger is cool and calm on the outside as we hide the resentment on the inside. Over time it becomes toxic, seeping out in seemingly innocent comments or hidden behind a wall that loved ones cannot penetrate.
Be angry and sin not.
Maybe you push anger down because you believe it is a sin. The reality is that we are going to be disappointed, even in the strongest relationships. Normal families do have conflict. We will get angry at the people we love the most. Anger in itself is not the sin; it's simply an emotion. Anger only becomes toxic when we use it to hurt others or ourselves.
Listen and be slow to speak.
I wasn't angry about the auction, or even my husband's lack of enthusiasm. College classes and other family obligations were taking large chunks of my husband's time. I longed for unscheduled time with my husband.
That was the real issue, something we could work through.
I needed not only to listen to the Holy Spirit to view the real issue, but to listen to my husband's perspective. In spite of my calm demeanor, Richard felt like he was fighting ghosts. My passive aggressive approach made it impossible for Richard to participate in a healthy conversation.
Settle matters quickly.
This incident may seem small, but how many fractured and broken relationships are due to once-small issues that festered under the surface for years? Toxic anger rarely ignites instantly, but simmers as the fire is fed until it burns out of control.
Healthy conflict means that you work through issues immediately, though never in the heat of an argument. It's admitting when we are wrong, and forgiving others for their shortcomings. It's putting yesterday behind us and starting fresh.
Hold up your wounds to the Healer.
Maybe you've been wounded and anger has become your defense mechanism. Are you willing to allow Christ to heal those wounds? When I look at my heart I find scars of old conflicts, but I'm not ashamed of those scars because a scar by its very definition implies healing.
Those marks remind me of the love of Christ, and to never let toxic anger rob me of living and loving fully.
Heavenly Father, I'm angry and I'm hurting. I've let small things become big things that are threatening my well-being, and my relationships. Give me the words to say, and keep the words that I shouldn't say from my lips. I offer my wounds to You today. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
Visit Suzie's blog to download a free resource, Five Healthy Ways to Handle Conflict
The Mom I Want to be: Rising above Your Past to Give Your Kids a Great Future by T. Suzanne Eller
What a Husband Needs from His Wife by Melanie Chitwood
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Admit it when you are angry.
Journal about the incident.
Read it out loud. Ask Jesus to show you the real issue.
Ask for wisdom (James 1:5).
Add a prayer, and one step you can take, to your journal entry.
Am I brokenhearted over my anger?
Have I asked Christ to forgive me?
Am I committed to turn in the opposite direction?
Proverbs 15:1, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."
James 1:19-20, "My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires." (NIV)
© 2010 by T. Suzanne Eller. All rights reserved.
Proverbs 31 Ministries
616-G Matthews-Mint Hill Road
Matthews, NC 28105
Originally published Friday, 19 November 2010.