You don’t have to be perfectly healed to be a good parent. If you’ve ever thought “I need to fix myself before I raise kids,” this message will set you free.
Even though I'm not a parent, a lot of parents often reach out to me for mental health advice for their children, while I'm not a mental health professional, I suspect this is because I taught High School English for five years. I've never birthed any children, but I've worked with over 2,000 in the last six years.
This week's question comes from one of my heartfelt readers, wondering if their mental health struggles mean they're unworthy to be a parent. I can't relate to being a parent, but I can relate to feeling like I must "fix" myself before I do XYZ. For some of you, these thoughts sound like this: "I can't have kids because I might pass on my trauma," or "I can't have kids because I feel guilty for not fixing my anxiety yet." For others, these voices might sound like "I need to live perfectly before I think of mentoring," or "I can't serve my church or community because I've made too many mistakes."
If any of these questions resonate with you, I want you to know that you're not too far gone and don't need to "fix yourself" to do any of these things. Instead, the Gospel covers us; vulnerability can be your greatest strength, and perfection is not required to do good for the Kingdom of God.
The Gospel Covers Your Parenting
First and foremost, parenting, or any other act of serving others in the Kingdom, is not about perfection but your dependence on Christ. In 2 Corinthians 12:9, Paul describes this well in explaining his struggles and personal weaknesses. Though he feels weak, it's these imperfections that allow Christ and His power to shine the brightest through Paul:
" I pleaded with the Lord three times to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong" (2 Corinthians 12:8-10, NIV).
As a teacher, I think kids don't need perfect parents; they need parents who are growing, repentant, and pointing them to Jesus. I saw a lot of broken families—homes without a mom, dad, or both. Homes filled with anger, violence, and despair. Homes broken from the shards of drugs, alcohol, and numerous health issues. But I saw these things through the lens of the kids.
I wasn't the perfect teacher, and I never will be. I made mistakes often. But I tried to lead by example as a teacher or parent should. If you're a parent reading this, I want you to know that your kids need you. They need your presence and hope on hard days. They need you to seek to understand their struggles, not judge them. They need you to come to them as you are if you expect them to do the same.
Yes, parents need to be mature. Yes, parents' relationship with kids should have authority and rules involved. But if you're scared to make mistakes, you've missed the point. We've all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). That means that no matter how great a parent you are or aren't, you're going to make mistakes. So are your children. That's okay—that's how we learn, grow, adapt, and move on.
Vulnerability Can Be Strength
Second, because God created us, He knows our shortcomings and forgives us anyway. As Psalm 103:13-14 writes, "As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust" (NIV). The Creator of the universe didn't need to create us, but He did. That was out of His love and desire to parent us, regardless of our struggles, sins, and mess-ups a million times over.
In the same way, parents who admit their struggles model humility, grace, and God's provision. I often say that the Lord continually protects, provides, and prepares us for what He has in store. God wants us to be honest with Him, and our children want us to be that way with them. This is why acknowledging mental health struggles can deepen connection and empathy with them.
While I can't speak to this as a parent, I can talk to it as a former teacher. Every year, I start my teaching by sharing my struggles with physical and mental health issues. I told them I wanted to be honest with them, because I expected them to be honest with me. When I left teaching, I was told that this was why I rarely had behavioral issues in my classes—students respected me because I was willing to show them where I was and sit with them in their struggles, no matter how messy. I wasn't one version of myself in public and another in private. Mrs. Ginter was the same inside and out of the classroom, and parents and children are asking you to do the same with them.
Mental Health Management VS. Parental Worth
At the end of the day, I want anyone reading this to know that caring for your mental health is of the utmost importance. Children need stable and mature adults to help raise them, whether you're their biological parents or not. However, perfection is not a requirement before you can illustrate this type of parenting.
If you need therapy, professionally prescribed medication, self-care, and prayer to help you be your best self for yourself and the kids you raise, work with, or interact with, there's no shame in that. God's given us these tools not as prerequisites for being a “good parent," but to show us that it's okay to struggle. And it's 1000% okay to seek professional help in conjunction with the spiritual disciplines He's given us.
Today, if you're wrestling with this, I would invite you to replace statements like, “I must fix myself before I have or serve kids” with, “I can love and guide kids while trusting God to fill in what I can't.” Implementing daily practices such as prayer, reflection, open conversations, and modeling healthy coping skills will improve your mental state and support and improve theirs.
Being the perfect parent isn't possible, but being blessed by God's grace is. His grace is enough to cover our parenting failures, and remember: He never asked you to be perfect, but rather present. As Ephesians 2:8-9 proclaims: "For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them" (ESV).
Children looking to their parents or parental figures for mental health advice aren't looking for perfection; they're looking for someone who genuinely and earnestly cares. Your love, willingness to grow, and reliance on Christ make you more than enough.
Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/IvanJekic
