Although I've been a Christian for almost 30 years, I have seen my share of grief. From the sudden loss of my mother to being disowned by my parents at age 20 to health challenges in 2020, I am no stranger to suffering and grief. Grief comes in all shapes and sizes. A person doesn't have to go through a major crisis to grieve. God may be asking us to give up something small in our lives that creates deep, deep sadness and even anger when we lose it.
As someone who has lost a lot throughout life, I am more sensitive to losses than most people. Instead of avoiding it, denying it, or outright refusing it, I have chosen to embrace change, suffer loss, and grieve it so I can move forward positively.
A person who has truly learned to suffer and surrender their life to God has had to learn to suffer loss. Many times, Christians must grieve the loss of things they once had or a life that they thought was going to happen for them. When life turns out differently than they expected, loss and ultimately grief result. However, the Christian Church is not set up for grief. Because grief comes with deep emotions like sadness, pain, or anger, Christians choose to stuff it or avoid it.
Many Christians believe the lie that if you are suffering, you're not truly a Christian. Some Christians mask their pain and loss, covering it up with a “fake it ‘till you make it” attitude. They smile, put on a mask, and walk through their churches as if nothing is wrong. However, that grief in their soul deepens, sometimes resulting in bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness.
Although life can be hard sometimes, it is important to understand how to grieve well so that we can move forward as healthy, emotionally independent individuals. Here are some ways I have learned to grieve well:
Acknowledge the Grief
The most important thing a Christian can do is to recognize grief when they are experiencing it. Because people often mistake grief for only existing during a major crisis, they may miss the signs when it comes to grief. For example, if someone is grieving, they may feel a general disinterest in their current life circumstances or current activities.
They may find coping mechanisms to drown their pain. These coping mechanisms can be as subtle as binge-watching television or shopping, or can be as big as drug or alcohol addiction. Whatever person uses to cope with something other than God is only masking the grief. It is not allowing them to experience it deeply.
First, Christians need to acknowledge the loss that accompanies grief. What is it that they are grieving that is causing them to feel these deep emotions? Perhaps they must make a sudden move because their jobs were cut. Life circumstances may have changed when they find they are caring for aging parents. Perhaps they’re dealing with a child who has a mental illness, or a prodigal child who has walked away from the faith. All these things can trigger grief in various forms.
It is important to acknowledge the grief and the loss that comes with it. Cry out to God in your pain. Tell him everything you feel about it. Don't hide your emotions. Allow yourself to experience and feel the deep care and affection with which you held the thing you have lost. By acknowledging the grief, they are one step closer to healing themselves completely so that they can move on in healthy ways.
Experience the Emotion
A few years ago, I knew someone who rarely expressed anger. When asked why they never seem angry, the person replied, “I don't get angry.” We all experience emotions like anger, sadness, and pain when it comes to losing something we love. Anger is an emotion, not a sin. Ephesians 4:26 tells us, “In your anger do not sin, and do not give the devil a foothold.” This Scripture tells us that feeling angry is not a sin; it's what we do with it that counts.
Sin boils down to the intention of our hearts. We act in sin when we intentionally want to inflict harm on someone else. When we don't put others' feelings before our own, we are in sin. Anger is a natural emotion that arises from a negative experience or an unexpected, unwanted twist in our life circumstances.
A great way to experience deep emotions is to journal. Don't filter your thoughts, but really pour them out into a journal. Write down everything that comes to your mind. Don't try to censor them or prohibit yourself from writing them. Give yourself permission to feel every feeling you feel. Write it down and then read it aloud. Is what is on the paper something you have never fully expressed? When you are done journaling, give yourself permission to rip out the pages or throw the entire journal away.
This is a cathartic way to let go of your old emotions and replace them with new ones that align with Scripture, such as joy, peace, and happiness. By experiencing your emotions, you're allowing yourself to feel completely. When you pour these things out to God, God can meet you in the deep places and be themselves to your broken heart.
Get Help
Seek the help of one or two people whom you know you can trust to share your emotions. Pour out your heart to them. Don't just surround yourself with people who you know will console you in your grief. Rather, seek the help of a person who can not only encourage you, but also someone who can speak the truth to you. People who speak the truth to you often have your best interests at heart.
Let them be the people who can speak truth to you so that you can be a better person in the end. Merely stuffing your emotions is not an effective way to deal with them. Those emotions, when left unaddressed, can lead to negative feelings and possibly negative actions in the future.
If you don't have people you can trust in your life, get the help of a professional. Pay for just a few sessions and pour your heart out to them. Ask them for practical strategies to help you manage your grief. Do those exercises regularly. You may find it does wonders not only for your heart but also for your soul.
Replace Lies with Truth
Finally, replace the lies that may be associated with that grief with the truth of Scripture. We need to renew our minds regularly to align with God. Write down your favorite Scriptures on index cards. Place them around your home and remind yourself daily of what they say. Commit to memory certain Scriptures so that when Satan decides to come with his schemes, you can combat him with the truth.
This was Jesus's strategy in the wilderness, and it can be your strategy too. We don't only need to renew our minds when it comes to negative thoughts or emotions. We need to renew ourselves every day because we live in a broken world. We are bombarded with the world's view of us that does not align with scripture.
Grief can linger if we don't process it thoroughly. Be an example to your Christian brothers and sisters by processing your grief. Be a person who's vulnerable with others, sharing your emotions openly. Do what you can to process your emotions so that you can move forward in health and vitality and allow the Holy Spirit to speak in powerful ways.
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