Over 25 years of ministry, I've learned that becoming a true peacemaker means humbly taking responsibility for my part in conflict, confessing fully, seeking understanding of deeper needs, and, when necessary, letting go of relationships that hinder peace, all while striving to reflect God's grace and unity.
During the past 25 years of ministry, I have been involved in several issues involving conflict within the church. Some of it turned out well; some of it did not. During all of it, however, I've been able to analyze and discuss how I could be doing something better. When I leave those situations, it is tempting for me to want to pretend that I'm right or believe as if I'm blameless in the situation.
However, from being unable to move forward with a spiritually stuck person, saying things in an angrier tone than I should, or becoming incensed with other people's actions and behaviors, I know I need to take responsibility for assuming even a small part of the responsibility in the conflict.
Recently, I attended a training session that my church’s denomination provides for its official workers. During this training, we read Bible verses and role-played scenarios on better conflict resolution. When I walked away from the training, I could see some things that I could do better regarding conflict. Here's how I learned to be a peacemaker:
Take Responsibility
The first thing I learned during the training was that taking responsibility for my part in the conflict was vital. Even if I were correct primarily in handling the situation, even if a harsh tone or word was not given in love, that would be my contribution to the conflict. I learned to own 100 percent of even the little part I own in the conflict.
During conflict, I must begin by taking my part in it. This means being specific about my errors or mistakes in the conflict. This takes great humility. If I want to be like Jesus, I must humble myself and admit that I didn't handle everything precisely how I should.
To be a peacemaker, I must accept even a small part of my conflict. Coming at someone with an accusatory tone will not help settle the dispute. Admitting that I could have handled things differently will help level the playing field and help the other person feel validated in their response. Starting with an apology will also help soften the heart of the person you are trying to reconcile with.
Confess Fully
One of the best things I learned throughout the training is that I must fully confess my sins to another person. They explained that some people like to “confess light.” In other words, the generic blanket apology is not a full confession. For example, I cannot go to someone and say, “I'm sorry for how I hurt you,” without being specific about how I may have hurt you.
If I'm unaware of how I have specifically hurt someone, I must seek revelation from the Holy Spirit to tell me exactly how I've broken my brother or sister in Christ. Scripture says we must confess our sins to each other. I must confess my sins to each other so that we can be better people and have restored relationships. However, my pride sometimes gets in the way, and I resist confessing fully to keep my reputation intact. However, God is glorified when we humble ourselves and admit that we have made a mistake in a situation where we could have handled it much differently. Admitting my sins, analyzing my life, acknowledging my fault, and confessing that entirely are some ways I can be someone who confesses fully to others.
Write a Letter
In some instances where reconciliation is difficult to achieve, I may find it challenging to have a person-to-person meeting. This may be because the person may become defensive, lash out in anger, or interrupt the situation in a way that causes confusion and heightened emotions rather than peace and unity. In these cases, it might be best for me to write a letter to that person so I can express everything I need to say in a way that honors God and does not allow my emotions to get the best of me.
To achieve peace in this situation, I must honor them with the positive parts of their personality that I agree with. Then, I need to confess my part in the conflict fully. Then, once all that is out, I can express how I was hurt throughout the situation. I write the letter without expecting any response or unified behavior to keep the peace. Instead, I understand that being a peacemaker does not always mean I receive peace. Instead, I must make peace in every situation as best I can.
Recognize the Need
Behind every demand is a secret deep need that needs to be met in the soul. The three greatest needs are acceptance, significance, and security. Acceptance is wanting others to validate our feelings and make us feel whole. Significance is the desire for our lives to impact others.
This can be achieved through accomplishments, possessions, or other things that define us by things other than God. Security is when we feel insecure about our safety, whether with people or within a situation. We seek security wherever we can. Sometimes, in conflict, our most profound need is someone to protect and care for us. However, it comes out in ways that drive people away rather than bring them close.
The next time I'm in conflict, I need to analyze my needs in that situation. One of my deepest needs that I crave is security. I want people to feel protected, and I feel the need to protect others. In so doing, I often react out of anger or fear rather than peace and unity that is present through the indwelling of the Holy Spirit.
Knowing these needs and understanding what another person might need in that situation is essential. Although it is not our job to fulfill others’ needs, it is important to point them to the Holy Spirit, which will fill all needs through Christ Jesus. Pointing this out to another might help them recognize that need and allow them to stop the conflict so they can interact with others healthily.
Break Ties
In some instances, peace cannot be achieved. While I must try to be at peace with everyone, I know it's impossible. This is because peace between others involves trust. When a relationship is severed, confessing sins and allowing people to achieve reconciliation and repentance is essential. A person who is unrepentant regarding their behavior does not express genuine sorrow.
When they do not express genuine regret, and it isn't easy to have a relationship with someone, this trust will prohibit them from fully engaging in it. In these instances, it is essential to break ties because that person will not be suitable for them and their lives. This will just hurt them repeatedly, and it's not a good idea. Although God is the God of reconciliation, there are times when sharp disagreements get in the way of peace.
Being a peacemaker is not easy. However, we are called to be peacemakers in situations that glorify God. We can achieve peace and unity in our lives, and the church can be Christ's unified body, which needs to reflect God's glory before he comes.
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