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When you're wondering if children are part of your future

Originally published Sunday, 14 December 2014.

In you, Lord my God, I put my trust. Psalm 25:1 (NIV)

“And babies?”

It’s a common question I hear these days.

It’s slipped in between, “How are you?” and “What are you up to?”

Each time I hear it I think back to our whispered fears and hopes outside a sperm bank: 

“Do you want to do this?” Xylon asked.

“No…do you?” I whisper.

“Not at all.” He says.

“Ssshall we go?” I stutter.

In reply, Xylon turns the key, and drives out of the fertility clinic.

My husband and I drove all the way to deposit sperm after he was diagnosed with cancer, and then we couldn’t do it.

We’d talked about it, we’d prayed about it, we’d researched it and met with doctors about it.

We wanted to be wise about our fertility.

We didn’t want to play games with the future generations God might give us.

But in the end we couldn’t go through it.

We turned around and left, because we felt that God was telling us to not only trust him with our lives, but with our fertility.

I don’t know exactly what that means for us.

All we decided was that we were content to allow God to determine how we become parents of the children he has for us.

I don’t know if it means we’ll have birth children one day, or whether we’ll adopt, or whether God has something else planned for us. 

I don’t know the stresses and strains it might put on our relationship or how it might change us.

All I know, is that in that parking lot we decided to put all our trust and hope in Jesus – to trust him completely.

I have learnt “We’re trusting God for X” isn’t a guarantee that I’ll get what I want or even what I think I need. 

Sometimes I use “We’re trusting God” as euphemism for “We’re going to get what we want.”

I don’t think that’s what trust it, I think trust is more a quite confidence that God will always give me his best (even if I think that looks like the worst possible outcome).

When I don’t know the outcome, or when the situation I hoped would turned out for one way turns out differently to what I hoped that’s when I’m really trusting God.

I’m learning that when I wonder if I can trust God in something, I can whisper like David: “In you, Lord my God, I put my trust.”

Ponder: Is there something in your life that you need to trust God with? 

Prayer: In you, Lord my God, I put my trust.

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- This was orginally published on my site in September 2014. To read more devotionals like this go to ilovedevotionals.com