When trusting God to do his best is hard

Originally published Sunday, 22 June 2014.

If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there; if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath. Psalm 34:18 (MSG)

The last few months have been difficult on my husband and I. 

It is hard to live in limbo while we wait for medical results.

I’ve found myself praying a lot: prayers of healing for my husband, petitions for miracles, and pleas for a cancer free scan this time. 

And I’ve found myself trying to take control of the situation. 

So many times I’ve found myself bending to pick up what I’ve already laid down at Jesus’ feet.

Instead of living with open hands stretched out to God I’ve been living with hands clutching my husband and saying, “Lord, make him well.”

My fists are clenched so tight in insistence that I’ve struggled to pray, “God, do your Best!”

I’ve wondered if the price of praying, “Lord, take me to the place of your greatest blessing” Is too high.

Over the last two years we’ve been disappointed with medical results too many times. My husbands heart has been battered three times by the phrase, “You have cancer.”

It has become hard for me to trust that God has my best interest at heart, tough for me to believe that cancer is his best for my husband. 

I wish I could “unlike” every post I see that says something like, “This pain you are going through is God’s opportunity to shine”.

It makes me angry that pain could be part of God’s plan

Over the last few months as I’ve sat with my broken heart and asked God some honest questions I’ve also known that God is big enough to handle my them, that he isn’t insecure. 

I’ve taken God my biggest questions. I’ve taken God my heartache. I’ve taken my demands and my hopes to him.

Sometimes I’ve found answers and sometimes I’ve just sat with my questions. 

Today, as I flipped through the bible looking trying to figure out why sometimes trusting God, in this situation that I really have no control over, is hard, I saw this verse in Psalm 34:18:

If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there; if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath(tweet this)

This verse felt like letting my breath out, letting go, unclenching my fists. 

God will find me with my broken heart. He will find me right here. And he will give me the time and space to catch my breath and figure out how to live with open hands. 

Ponder: When have you found it hard to trust that God will do your best? What helped you to trust that he would?

Prayer: Forgive me for picking up what I’ve already laid down at your feet. (tweet this)

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- This was orginally published on my site in May 2014 to read more devotionals like this go to ilovedevotionals.com