And Then ... I Lost It

Originally published Thursday, 13 October 2011.

Have you ever felt like you were about to lose it?

That’s exactly where I found myself the past few weeks. Life has felt overwhelming.

I’ve thought about calling my doctor and asking to go on some type of medication because I haven’t been able to function like I used to.

I started pulling away from the things I love because I just didn’t have the energy for it.

I got to a place where I didn’t want to deal with anything or anyone. Everything just seemed like it was too much.

After a series of circumstances, my heart was wounded. Then, my mind began developing this distortion of God. A picture of God withholding His love from me was created deep in my soul.

So, I did what all people-pleasers do … I began to “do” more for God. Leading this, doing that, going here, being there for that person, giving more, and trying, trying, trying.

My to-do list “for God” became enormous.

But in the darkest corner of my soul, something ugly was beginning to sprout up. All it would take was a few weeds of rejection to completely ruin me.

I lost it.

Through seeking counsel, wisdom and discernment I’ve had to make some hard decisions in my life. Things have to change or God can never really be my God and I will stay on this never-ending cycle of approval.

I need time to grow in God. Its a season of transformation. Its painful. I’m not through it -- yet. It's not always easy to share bits of my life like this on this blog but I want to be authentic.

I’m sure God appreciated my efforts for Him, but that’s not what He was after. He’s after me. Not Nicki the wife, the mom, the speaker, the writer or the ministry leader. Just … Nicki.

But my life has been so cluttered, I couldn’t even see what God was trying to do.

While this process has been happening, there was a book sitting on my shelf. Its Glynnis Whiter’s new book, I Used To Be So Organized. At first, I didn’t want to read it because I thought the book was about home organization, which is important, but I needed to organize my soul.

But that’s exactly what this book is: Soul Organization.

I started reading Glynnis’s story and I was comforted by the idea that our challenges are not going to go away but we can still have a healthy soul. Glynnis has a whole section in chapter 3 about how to move away from the need for approval. I read it twice. She talks about ways to bring back simplicity and sanity into our minds and lives.

Glynnis challenged me to look at the things in my life I need to say “no” to and the things I need to say “yes” to.

And ... there are also tons of practical suggestions.

I’m not one to say things like, “This book will change your life!” because … it won’t. Only God can do that.

But if you are a woman, like me, who is feeling less-than-adequate these days, this book is for you. If you have found yourself needing to do more to feel like more, this book will help you find freedom. And if you are craving peace and harmony, this book can help.

And I have some exciting news.

Glynnis has offered to give away a copy of her book! All you have to do is leave a comment saying “enter me” and I will enter you to win. The winner will be announced on Monday, October 17.

Friends, life with God is hard. He never said this road would be easy.

While you and I could listen to that voice of condemnation about needing approval and living lives that are cluttered, let’s not today. At times we will “lose it” and feel as though we are falling apart.

It’s OK.

While God is constant in His love and approval, it's not always tangible, so it can be hard to experience. Taking a season to renew ourselves with God’s Truth and Promises will be powerful.

Today I’m starting by reading aloud this verse, maybe it will help just one other person too.

“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is -- His good, pleasing and perfect will.” (Romans 12:2)