I can't stop remembering.
I want to, but I can't.
Already processed words, feelings and hurts remain pressed up in me - concentrated.
Like cars at a landfill, I have squeezed in so much; these memories tower high.
Sure, I want to wave goodbye,
but my mind holds on as if I am losing a long lost friend.
Sure, I want to finally turn my back on the, tears, embarrassment, shame and pain -
but it seems I would negate or excuse all that happened.
So, I hold on, like one carrying a stinky diaper.
I hold on like one dealing with month-old trash.
I hold on like a 2-year old looking around at who may hit them next.
I keep my stink near, out of fear.
Why? Yes, I raise my hand, to acknowledge what I am about to tell you is a lie. But it lures me every time.
Tying myself up in yesterday,
will keep my heart from being tied up today.
So, I keep my antennae’s up and out;
threats are analyzed.
My warning bells are working and tested;
safety walls can fly up.
On-demand memories are readily available;
they are the boot camp to my feet, helping me to run as needed.
But, does my strategy even work? Because it seems I spend a lot of time in the landfill - walking over bad waste, smelly pieces and unloved emotions.
I can't help but ask, does being around the stinky
somehow generate the sacred?
I don't think so. So, why do I keep doing it?
My delay in demolishing only seems to work in demolishing my heart yet again.
That is what happens to wastelands of bad memories, they only hang out to make things more disgusting. I don't want to allow flies to buzz, mold to grow and my heart to grow cold to others because of the garbage that I can't seem to unload.
The reality is, when I take a hard and fast look:
Reserving these pains doesn't revive my worth.
Remembering the frustration doesn't relieve my agony.
Reliving these pinpricks doesn't reject future hurts.
It just doesn't. And, God knows it too.
Simply said, he tells us, "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past." Is. 48:13
I love what comes next even more:
Behold, I am doing a new thing;
now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?
I will make a way in the wilderness
and rivers in the desert.
The wild beasts will honor me,
the jackals and the ostriches,
for I give water in the wilderness,
rivers in the desert,
to give drink to my chosen people,
the people whom I formed for myself.
that they might declare my praise.
Notice this: Here, God doesn't care much about fixing an old thing;
he cares about doing a new thing!
He cares about:
Generating life out of now-dead things.
Making the wild-ones obey and honor him.
Giving water to the souls with holes.
Providing for his chosen people.
When we see past the days of old,
we see the abundance of God.
When we keep our heart in today,
we suddenly step up above the fray.
God wants to give us the essential and the substantial
to fill us with his potential.
Notice the result? It is powerful. God in his wisdom protects our skittish mind from doing what it loves to do best. He prevents us from acting like a pig in a trough - returning to his old stink.
He replaces our precautionary stance with a praised-filled one.
Suddenly our arms move from crossed to open.
Our eyes look from side-to-side, to straight up.
Our heart is laid down at his feet, just trying to inch closer to his goodness, rather than closed up in safety walls.
Our eyes are open to see goodness rather than pain.
Restoration rather than hardship.
Glory rather than trash.
And, it is beautiful, budding beautiful, sunrise beautiful, springtime beautiful. It captures our eyes with new hopes, new dreams and new what-ifs. It opens up a whole new world - a fresh, exciting and adventurous world.
I guess the choice is mine, it's ours...
We can choose to sit in the pain of yesterday
or we can choose to sit in the glory of today.
I know which one I am going to pursue.
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