8 Steps to Resolving Conflict in Your Life We think differently. We offer varying perspectives. We were created with different personalities and have enjoyed a variety of life experiences. We approach problem-solving differently. If you encounter people and do life with them for any length of time, conflict is inevitable. This truth means that we must get really good at resolving conflict in our lives. Contrary to what you may think, conflict is not always a bad thing. It can actually be an opportunity to give God glory in the way you respond. When we respond in peace, love, wisdom, and compassion, taking great care to actually address conflict instead of ignore, it can be another way to draw people unto the Lord. It can be a way to grow us as individuals. The better we get at handling conflict, the fewer opportunities Satan has to create division in our lives. If you are battling conflict today, check out these effective steps on how to resolve conflict! The ways we treat others, even when they may seem unlovable or their actions seem unfair or unjustified, shines the light of Jesus to others. It gives others hope. When conflict happens in our lives, there are several things we must do. Step 1: Don’t ignore conflict. Just because you choose to ignore the white elephant in the room doesn’t mean he doesn’t sit there. I once her a pastor say that “blessed are the peacemakers” doesn’t mean the people who ignore that there is conflict and chaos. It means that the ones who are willing and wise enough to work through the conflict. Now, caution here. It doesn’t mean that addressing conflict requires you to be right or the loudest in the room. It simply means starting a conversation. “Hey, it seems there is something between us that I can’t quite put my finger on.” Alternatively, “It seems like you are angry about something. Could we talk?” Step 2: Consider the "why." Understanding why conflict may be present helps us in considering how others may be feeling. Considering the why isn’t about you having to be validated or seen or that your perspective is the only perspective and you wonder why they don’t get it?! It means that we evaluate why there may be conflict in the situation and how we can work together to resolve it. It will make it easier for us to respond in love when we understand the why. There are many reasons for the "why." Below are a few examples: A. Insecurity – Am I insecure about something in this relationship or situation? Is the other party in secure? How can I work towards making myself/them more secure? When people don’t who they are (in Christ), they can be defensive, easily angered, or question motives of others often. B. Misunderstanding – Do I understand fully what is being asked of me? Do I understand what they are needing? Do I understand their life experience enough to comment on this matter? Did she really mean to send that email in a combative tone or did I misunderstand her intention? C. Satan – Is Satan at work, trying to cause division in our relationship? Simply put, he is masterful at creating a small brook into a raging river. The more he divides us, as believers, the less effective we can be with the real task at hand. D. Exhaustion – Am I simply exhausted? Is the other party? Are they carrying too much? Working long hours? Balancing a lot of demands? Am I in a season of being spiritually, emotionally, or physically tired? Step 3: Wait a minimum of 48 hours for any response. Proverbs 15:18 says, “A hot-tempered person starts fights; a cool-tempered person stops them.” Don't immediately take a problem to the person you are hurt or upset with. Allow for time to pray that the Lord would give you wisdom and the right words to say. Sometimes waiting will make the problem seem so much smaller and at the very least, give you direction on how to address the problem in a healthy way. Step 4: Issue the same grace you want from others. In Ephesians 4: 3, it says, “Make every effort to keep yourselves united in spirit, binding yourselves together in peace.” It is important that we forgive quickly and give grace to those who may have hurt us with their words or actions. This is how we want to be treated. It is also, in many cases, a misunderstanding, something not done with intention, or a deeper wound that you (or they) are experiencing. Grace should abound in all we do. It should far outweigh our need to be heard or be right. Step 5: Take your offense directly to them. Matthew 18:15 says, “If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back.” You must talk directly to the person about the situation. Do not talk to others. This only makes the problem worse and creates a larger schism between you. When you talk to them, it should be your goal to want to resolve the situation. The purpose of the discussion cannot be to simply have the last word or be right. You do not get to judge someone else's heart. That's God's role. We only have control over our own. Much of the feedback I often get in problem-solving is accusing the other party of always having problems or being trouble-makers or other accusatory statements about how the other party doesn’t want the issue resolved. While it may be true that they are difficult to work with or even unfair or unreasonable, we do not get to assume that we can’t take our offense to them, because they won’t want to work it out. It is our duty to try. Once we done all we can to get along, then we are released, not before. As mentioned earlier, God can use this to bless them, draw them unto him, or heal an old wound, so your response matters. Step 6: Speak life. Proverbs 18:21 says, “The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.” You cannot speak negatively about a situation or a person behind their back and prevent it from growing. It is important that we do not create a habit of talking to others about the problem, or meditating on all they did wrong and feeling the need to tell everyone about it. Alternatively, this is a great time to be intentional with prayer for them. (Note: Take time to pray for your heart to mend and for their hardships that may be unknown to you.) Step 7: Battle your thoughts. Philippians 4:8 says, “And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” Meditate of God's truth, not what happened or what she said. It is very important that we do not continually replay in our minds what was said or done to us. That only makes the problem grow bigger. However, when we focus on God, his Word, his truth about us, and his love for both us and them, the problem gets smaller. Step 8: Bring the problem to another for help. Note that this step is done after seven other things have been attempted. At this point, you’ve worked to resolve the issue. You’ve prayed. You’ve considered why it may be happening. You’ve talked with the other party through it, and it simply cannot be resolved. Then, you may to another for help. We’ve already looked at Matthew 18:15. It says “If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. Let’s look at versus 16-17, “But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector.” The Bible is clear that we must exhaust all avenues to resolve conflict. Are there times when conflict will remain when you have truly done all you could? Of course, conflict will remain until Christ returns. However, these 8 steps can prove quite effective in keeping peace in the body of Christ, in homes, in marriages, and in relationships. Jennifer Maggio is a national voice for single mothers and hurting women. Her personal story has been featured in hundreds of media venues including The New York Times, Daystar Television, The 700 Club, and many others. She is CEO/Founder of The Life of a Single Mom Ministries, a national nonprofit that works with churches to develop single mom’s programs and ministries, totaling over 1600 groups currently. The Life of a Single Mom has served over 500,000 single mothers over the last decade and counting. Maggio is an author of several books, including The Church and the Single Mom. For more information, visit www.jennifermaggio.com. Jennifer Maggio is a mom to three, wife to Jeff, and founder of the national nonprofit, The Life of a Single Mom Ministries. She is author to four books, including The Church and the Single Mom. She was named one of the Top 10 Most Influential People in America by Dr. John Maxwell in 2017 and 2015 and has appeared in hundreds of media venues, including The New York Times, Family Talk Radio with Dr. James Dobson, Joni and Friends, and many others.
