Originally published Monday, 27 April 2015.
I seriously enjoy Saturdays.
It’s the time where I get to spend a few hours of my morning with the Lord and just relax before the weekend picks up speed.
I’m able to slow down and really just enjoy the simple pleasures of life like coffee, PJs, and messy hair.
This morning, as I ended the last couple pages of my journal, I was reflecting on this past year and couldn’t help but praise God for His overwhelming love and faithfulness.
Around this time last year, my husband, Paul, and I just found out that we were expecting our first child, a promise that God had spoken to us about through our pastor during a Wednesday night service just a couple months before.
At six weeks along in my pregnancy, we went in for our first doctor's appointment and we were able to hear our baby's tiny heartbeat- this was becoming so real! After the appointment, the doctor asked me to come in again two weeks later. A part of me found it a little odd that I needed to already come back again so early on in the pregnancy, but I didn't let it bother me and scheduled the follow-up appointment.
Those two weeks passed by pretty quickly, and I was on my way to the doctor's office again. My spirit was troubled the whole way there. Paul wasn't able to go with me this time, so I just kept declaring God's peace over my heart and kept whispering the name of Jesus, even when I was in the exam room. While the doctor was looking at the ultrasound, I heard her sigh and say, "I hate when that happens."
"What?" I asked.
"The baby no longer has a heart-beat. I'm so sorry."
Right then, I immediately felt God's presence fill the room. I sat up and the doctor just looked at me, not really knowing how I was going to react. My eyes began to well up with tears, as I said these words to her:
"You know, I have been through a lot in my short 27 years on this earth. From depression, to the murder of my dad, to watching my family be torn apart by adultery and divorce and God has never left my side. My faith has always carried me through it all and this is no different. God has a plan. He will work this all out for good."
She said, "I believe He will too," put her hand on my shoulder and left the room so that I could have a moment to myself.
I got my things together, scheduled my follow-up appointment to discuss the next steps/options, and called Paul to tell him the news, even declaring and believing that God could resurrect that tiny life inside me if it was His will, fighting back tears with each word. When I got home, we went to my favorite restaurant and continued to speak of God's faithfulness, even through all of our questions and deep pain.
After dinner, Paul reminded me of the gift card someone from church had given us for the baby and suggested we go and pick up some items for our precious promise from the Lord.
Talk about faith!
It was hard for me to walk through those aisles, staring at all of things for babies when I had just received the sad news about our little one, but deep down, I knew God had declared that we WILL have a child. Walking out the pain, we continued to trust in God’s timing and kept believing He would make it happen again for us.
In the car, a song came on the radio that stirred my emotions for what I had just experienced. I tried to hold back the tears, but couldn’t do it any longer. Paul just held me as I cried. Although it was difficult, I didn't allow my emotions to overtake me.
We pulled the car in the drive-way and I walked upstairs to our bedroom and just cried out to the Lord. Again, in that moment, the presence of the Lord filled the room. His loving arms wrapped around me as I laid on my bed, with a broken heart. As I cried out, a short song came forth from my mouth that I knew came straight from the abundance of my heart:
"Jesus, take my life, display it for the world to see, so that You My King, can receive Your glory...."
A few days later, the Lord gave me the rest of the song:
You’re my desire
Lord, You are my everything
It’s in You I find
My purpose, my meaning
So take my life
Display it for the world to see
So that You, my King
Can receive Your glory
I’ll hide my life
In You, Jesus Christ
It’s You who gives me strength
To rise above the storm
Oh yes, My life
Is a living sacrifice
So that You can shine
And draw all men to Your heart
I live and move and have my being
When I stand in Your name
Your blood cleanses me of all my shame
The Father sees what You’ve done
How You died on the cross to save us
I encountered God's amazing love during that trial last year and I know I will never be the same because of it. He is faithful to me in loss and faithful to me in gain. His promises are true. I can't wait to tell our son, Isaiah, who I will be able to hold in my arms in just a few short weeks, about them.
All glory to God!