How I Learned To Speak My Husband's Secret Language

Originally published Monday, 27 February 2012.


Do you ever wish your husband would just talk more?

That he would tell you what he was feeling?  That you knew more about what was really going on in his mind?

Here is a key idea from Becky Hunter’s book, Being Good To Your Husband On Purpose:

Learn to speak your husband’s language.

What does that mean?

Think of it this way:  we’re able to understand what our children want before they can speak a word.  We make it our business to figure out what they're trying to say to us.

What about our husbands? 

I’ve heard many women say that they wish their husbands would communicate more verbally.  It’s widely thought that women speak more often than men do, and that we use more words when we speak.  (There’s no hard data to back this up, though!)  Women are also felt to be more emotionally wired than men. 

As a result, we may equate lots of talking with being emotionally available.

Yet our husbands may already be loudly communicating, expressing themselves, and wearing their hearts on their sleeves. All without saying too many words.

Perhaps we need to pay closer attention. And translate!

My husband and I don't "speak" the same way.  But once I started to listen to him more carefully, here are some of the things I heard:

~When he fills my car up with gas and reminds me about my almost overdue library books:  “I know about the little details in your life.  I'm thinking about you."  

When he wants a quiet night home:  “I enjoy re-fueling in the comfort of your company.  I feel safe and relaxed with you." 

When he goes out to work faithfully each day:  “I want to provide for you and our family.  I’m here for you."  

The language of love.  When we make the effort to understand our spouses’ native speech, it’s amazing what lovely things we can hear.

Question:  In your own marriage, have you learned to "speak" your spouse's language of love?  When you do this, what kinds of things do you hear?



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I’d love to hear your thoughts and ideas.  You can share in the comment box! (just below or upper left)

Dr. Ann is a Christian M.D., wife to a fantastic husband, and mom to a lively gang of three.  At The Marriage Checklist Ann blogs about marriage, motherhood, and more!  She helps women build better life balance and grow great marriages.  Ann blogs on, and has been featured on, Fox news, and Good Morning America.  She loves that every day we can choose to take our best steps forward – for God, for the people in our lives, and for ourselves

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Copyright Dr. Ann 2012