Before I met my husband, December was the most depressing month of the year for me. That’s why I’ve decided to host this series.
I’ve never shared these before.
They’re pieces of me. Pieces from my journal from the month before I met my husband. Although I was “content” I was more lonely than ever.
Here goes nothing!
“Having a really hard time waiting. Lord, I’m really struggling. Nobody to hide behind. No crushes. [No] internet crap. Like I am done. No more chasing boys. I can see that it’s the right thing to do–and how the timing isn’t right. I am really struggling with that. Please take away my singleness. After all those years. Please. I need you to show up strong in my life.
Lord, I want a husband. I’m so sad and I’ve never felt so alone. I’m doing the right thing. I accept your gift of singleness. Why do I feel so down? Waiting.
People are so ignorant. I hate feeling passed by or jealous over something or someone that’s not mine. Lord you already know my heart. How much I would give to do ministry with my husband. He’s already Yours. I feel left out. The fun parts. The emptiness I feel inside. The lack of joy. Man this day sucks.
Lord, don’t you care?
Do not force a relationship with Ishmael and I will bless you with Isaac. Lord help me in my desires–that they may not overcome me.
I’m reverting back into a chaser. Did I forget that I don’t need ‘speed dating?’ Honey, I need the Holy Spirit. I’ve never had to be in a real relationship before so…
Lord, in my relationships I’ve learned it’s not right for me to chase. Push. Push. Push. I think I got so hurt that I wanted a distraction–or thought I did.
I know how to be assertive in business; I don’t know how to be pursued in love.
I can’t ruin it and it’s not [already] too late. Jesus please forgive me for thinking that you’re not above or bigger than me or my problems. Seriously ridiculous.
Things I need to change. I’m not comfortable being pursued by guys. I think it all goes back to my childhood where my parents would watch my every move and monitor every interaction, so when I was allowed freedom I got anxious and over ate.
I initiate to remain in control. To not let any guy see my weaknesses. I’m afraid a guy is going to look back on the painful years of my past and reject me, or worse, not even pursue me at all. Deep down I want to be pursued. I long to be pursued. But I’m afraid. Afraid that no guy is ever going to notice me, pursue me, and keep pursuing me in spite of me. Because ultimately, it’s not even about me. Add God into the picture and that eliminates 99.9% of the boys. Waiting around for that 1% of men who actually have God in their life–not to mention balls and a backbone–and that takes you back down to zero. Throw in [what could be] a seminary degree and it now leaves me with a depressed feeling I’ve never had before. And I don’t get depressed. I’m the anxious one, remember? For a guy to know and love Scripture as much as me? Ha. Just call me Sarah–the one who laughs at God. And yet he exists. Isaac. I know because God promised me many, many, many years ago and has literally used His people to confirm in my life.
So why now? it’s not like I haven’t tried match.com or eharmony.com or church or bars or friends. Because I finally miss my friend. I want to overcome the lie that no guy could ever be my best friend.”
Draw, pull, and conclude whatever you want from my journal writings because they’re raw. Sometimes in order to move forward we need to be honest about our past.
And that’s that.
If you need to cry about it or talk–I recommend starting in your journal!
[Photo: Axel Bührmann, Creative Commons]
Renee Fisher is an author, dream coach, media consultant, and speaker. She is the founding editor of DevotionalDiva.com, co-creator of Quarter Life Conference, and a graduate of Biola University. Renee's mission in life is to spur others forward (Heb. 10:24). She lives in San Diego with her adoring husband, Marc, and their fur child named Star who has his own Instagram account. Connect at ReneeFisher.com.