For our 25th wedding anniversary, my husband and I decided to take a trip to see the other part of the country that we had not visited before. Day after day, as we traveled and saw many great sights, we had a great time. However, as our physical bodies began to tire, our communication skills started to falter. Soon, my husband was only listening to about half of what I was saying. This was causing me significant irritation. Finally, I had had enough.
“Why aren't you listening to me?” I asked.
He replied that he hadn't meant to ignore what I was saying. When the brain gets overstimulated, it tends to hear only some of the words, misinterpreting the messages it receives. This does not bode well for a happy marriage or a rich and fulfilling relationship.
However, I found myself becoming frustrated, angry, and eventually resentful because my feelings were not being heard or validated. When I realized that that was truly behind why I was getting so easily irritated at others for not hearing me, I realized there was a big difference between hearing and listening. Hearing was receiving the content of my words. ]'
However, listening involves interpretation, critical thinking, and asking clarifying questions. As we all know, we often enter relationships with preconceived notions and biases based on past experiences and relationships. However, those preconceived notions can lead us astray when it comes to clearly communicating with others, not only to convey information, but also to be understood and valued. Once I understood that there was a difference and that I needed to change the language I used to be heard, I found my relationships were healthier.
Here's how I learned to communicate so others would listen:
I found that as I communicated, I wanted my husband and others to guess how I was feeling. In some way, then, being able to read my mind meant that they knew me and validated who I was. However, I realized that was an unrealistic expectation in my life. It wasn't fair for me to expect others to know not only what I was saying, but also what I was feeling and thinking. I began to express my feelings directly, stating that there was no ambiguity regarding what I felt.
Because I'm self-aware, I was able to understand why I felt the way I did. For example, if I got easily irritated with my spouse for not meeting my needs, it was because I felt demeaned. However, when I explained explicitly that his lack of hearing and interpretation made me feel undervalued and demeaned, once he understood that was truly how I felt when he wasn't taking the time to listen to me, I was able to rid myself of the anger and resentment. This is because I didn't look to him to validate me. Instead, I validated my feelings by stating them directly.
I explained my reasons behind my statements. Additionally, when I was able to explain why I felt this way about this and filled in the blank, it left no room for him to misinterpret my feelings. For example, when I became easily irritated, he took it as an area for self-criticism. He then misinterpreted what I wasn't saying, believing he wasn't a good husband, but rather a failure, etc.
However, when I stated directly that I felt undervalued and undermined, and then I needed him to practice his listening skills, he began to see things clearly. I often said that I loved him and that it wasn't an indictment on him as a person. When I was able to fill in the blank and not let his feelings of failure get in the way of my result, I found that he was able to apologize more readily and change his behavior.
Throughout our 25 years of marriage, we often had heated discussions that ended in simply talking about things. Rarely, however, did they ever change. This is because I never gave a specific action step to take. I often left my husband guessing as to what I wanted or how he could change. Because he didn't know, he didn't change. However, when I was able to tell him that, to feel more validated, I needed him to repeat back to me what he had heard, this helped me achieve the results I needed and gave him a direct answer on how to modify his actions.
Often, we allow people to guess how they can change, but rarely do we offer a clear and concise solution to the matter. This leaves us feeling exactly the way we started. We often neglect the critical relationships in our lives because we grow tired of discussing the same issues, only to find that no change results.
When communicating, I now give an action step as to what I'd like to see done. For example, when I spoke to a loved one about their lack of interest in my life, I was able to state a direct result. I told them that I wanted them to follow up with me once a month by phone, and I promised to do the same. This helped increase our communication and enabled them to stay informed about our lives. Because the person took this step to make a phone call once a month, it showed me that they cared about me and wanted me in their life.
Although it is tempting to take many actions, I try to limit the action steps to one or two. Even if a person takes just one baby step toward change, it shows me that I am important in their life. However, if I give them five different ways I need them to change, it's easy for them to become defensive and feel as if they're not a worthy person. I learned it is possible to communicate negative feelings while making the other person feel valued.
Above all, when I communicated my issues with loved ones, I stated that I was able to forgive them for their error. I was able to tell them that I didn't hold it against them and that we could go on in a loving relationship. The shame and guilt associated with unforgiveness often prevent loved ones from changing. They usually became defensive and attacked me. However, when I was able to tell them that I forgave them, it helped me gain a better understanding not only of the grace and mercy I extended to them but also allowed them to experience the beauty of forgiveness in their own lives.
We all do wrong to each other in relationships. No matter how hard we try to be perfect, we sometimes hurt the ones we love. However, as Scripture dictates, we are to forgive others as Christ has forgiven us. When we readily extend forgiveness to others, it becomes easier to cultivate a deeper love for one another and communicate more effectively, leading to richer relationships.
Relationships take work. We all need to work on our communication skills, especially with those we love. Because we're passionate about our relationships, we often can find ourselves miscommunicating and projecting our anger onto others. However, by taking the steps above, not only can we express ourselves in ways that honor God, but we can also repair broken relationships and establish good, rich communication as a result.
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