I pulled my phone closer in case I needed to quickly dial 911. My client kept looking over her shoulder as if she’d heard a noise. Her attention was off that day; mine was heightened. I genuinely felt afraid for her. Her husband had stormed out of our marriage coaching session minutes earlier because, yet again, she had dared to tell him how his behavior was unacceptable. Even through the screen, I could feel the tension that cut through their home. It was the same story with this couple: her husband’s angry outbursts either silenced or scared my client until she reluctantly recanted her concerns.
“Has he ever become physically aggressive toward you?” I asked.
Her silence filled in the gaps.
“What’s keeping you from taking the necessary steps to keep yourself safe?” I asked, hoping she’d hear the compassion in my voice and not a rebuke.
“I’m not sure God would be okay with me leaving him.” She stared at her hands.
My heart sank.
How I wished I could get her to see that her marriage covenant did not require her to consent to abuse.
Many Christian women silently suffer in abusive marriages like my client and like Mica Miller, the wife featured in the Netflix docuseries Death of the Pastor’s Wife, believing they are disobeying or disappointing God by leaving.
A faithful study of Scripture, however, reveals the character and heart of a loving Father who values marriage deeply, but does not ask his followers to preserve appearances at the expense of truth, safety, dignity, or accountability.
Abuse Is Not God’s Design for Marriage
Although Scripture doesn’t specifically illustrate an example of an abusive marriage, we can deduce from the story of Abigail and Nabal (see 1 Samuel 25) that Nabal was likely an abusive husband. The Bible describes him as harsh, badly behaved, crude, and mean in all his dealings (v. 3). Notice how Abigail speaks about her husband, “I know Nabal is a wicked and ill-tempered man… He is a fool, just as his name suggests” (v. 25). It would seem that Abigail’s response was sinful, yet she never incurs a rebuke or judgment from God or the soon-to-be King David. As a matter of fact, it was Nabal whom the Lord killed (vs. 38), and Abigail became David’s new wife (v. 39).
God loves his daughters. Throughout Scripture, we see God call his children beloved, precious, holy (set apart), loved, and honored. Love and honor are his character. Abuse, whether physical, emotional, mental, or sexual, is a violation of His design for marriage.
Biblical Submission Is Not Permission to Control
Then there’s the question of submission, which can be taught and understood differently depending on your denominational or familial upbringing. Unfortunately, submission has often been misunderstood and sometimes misused to pressure women into silence or even sin. Submission is first voluntary. In my book, Tried and True: Marriage Advice from 12 Imperfect Biblical Couples (Chesed Press, 2026), I contrast the way the world views submission and how the church should. Collins’ dictionary defines submission as “a state in which people can no longer do what they want to do because they have been brought under the control of someone else.” This is not worldly, not godly submission. I write, “God does not want to control us. He wants us to exercise self-control (Galatians 5:23). Godly submission is derived from the Greek word hupotassó, which means a willing alignment with God-ordained order… a voluntary response rather than coerced subservience.”
Submission is a willing act that all Christians are commanded to do (Ephesians 5:21). The Bible never teaches that submission is only a woman’s job. Also, godly submission never gives a spouse permission to intimidate, dominate, or manipulate. Jesus Christ willingly submitted himself to the Father (Luke 22:42) and therefore gave Christians a model of what biblical submission looks like. The Father does not demand or control. Neither should a spouse.
Staying Is Not Always the Same as Being Faithful
Simply staying in a marriage is not the only metric of success, especially when abuse is involved. Christians can mistakenly assume that remaining physically present in a marriage is the only faithful choice. However, sometimes creating distance is necessary for protection, to establish clear boundaries, and to expose destructive behavior.
Listen to: Death of the Pastor’s Wife: Spiritual & Marital Abuse and Where We Go From Here
God measures faithfulness by obedience to His will, integrity, and stewardship. Abuse is sin, and living in sin is not the will of the Father. Spouses must give an account to God for how they steward their marriage. Because we serve a just and gracious God, we understand that we will be judged by his standard, not the standard of others. This understanding does not defy the marriage covenant; it protects it.
Forgiveness and Reconciliation Are Not the Same Thing
Even when a wife chooses to leave her marriage because of abuse, she is still called to forgive. However, forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing. In its simplest terms, forgiveness is releasing an offender from a debt. All Christians are commanded to forgive, no matter the offense (See Matthew 6:14-15). The Bible is clear—if we want to be forgiven, we must forgive.
But reconciliation requires repentance on the offender’s part. You cannot reconcile a marriage where repentance has not occurred. We also see this modeled by the Father. He offers us forgiveness through Jesus’s death on the cross, yet we must repent of our sins to be reconciled to God (See Isaiah 59:2, Acts 3:19). This is why the unrepentant sinner will spend eternity separated from God. Although God offers forgiveness, reconciliation requires repentance—a turning away from previous behaviors, thought patterns, and beliefs.
Even when repentance has occurred, there must also be safety. If a woman is still unsafe or the abuse continues to occur, true repentance has not happened, and the marriage cannot truly be reconciled.
A Marriage Coach’s Response to Death of a Pastor’s Wife
Thankfully, my client realized that she needed to make the courageous choice and separate herself from her abusive husband. Sadly, he was unwilling to change (to repent), and their marriage did not survive. She did not break her marriage covenant; he did. She chose to honor her covenant with her Heavenly Father. She chose to no longer allow her body to be used as “an instrument of evil to serve sin,” yet she gave herself completely to God and now has a new life (see Romans 6:12-14).
I wish Mica Miller had read these Scriptures and had been properly taught about God’s love, His covenant, and His honorable will for all of His children. Her life ended tragically. But it can serve as a redemptive lesson to us. Abuse is never okay. Thanks be to God, who causes us to triumph in His name.
If you or someone you know is being abused, please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline by texting BEGIN to 88788.
Dive Deeper with My Podcast: Death of the Pastor's Wife: Spiritual & Marital Abuse and Where We Go From Here
My husband, Shaun, joins me in this special episode to discuss the Netflix docuseries Death of the Pastor’s Wife and the difficult questions it raises about abuse of power, spiritual manipulation, accountability, submission, and marriage.
This conversation goes beyond the story itself. Shaun and I explore how churches can create healthier accountability structures, why power differentials matter, what you should do when you recognize abuse, and what partnership in marriage can look like without control or coercion.
If you’re married, serving in leadership, part of a church community, or reexamining your own faith and relationships, this episode offers an honest conversation about discernment, responsibility, and healing. If this episode helps your marriage, be sure to follow The Rebuilding Us Podcast on Apple or Spotify so you never miss an episode!
Image Credit: ©Getty Images/Marjan Apostolovic
