We can love our family while preserving our well-being. In other words, we can continue to love them and do what is right without having to be around them.
For most of my life, I have had a complicated relationship with my family. Due to past and present wounds, it can be hard for me to want to talk to a few select members. While I have expressed my feelings, nothing has changed. My therapist once told me that if I shared my feelings with them, they would take them to heart and change their actions. After listening to my therapist, I went and put this teaching into action, but nothing changed.
All I got was, “I'm sorry you feel that way,” said in a condescending tone. For most of my adult life, I've been trying to learn that it is okay if my family doesn't love me or care about me as they should. Life is more complicated than what we see in movies or books. Sometimes there is no happy ending because we live in a fallen world.
My relationship with my family has been especially hard lately, and it has chipped away at me for quite some time. I want to have a strong family relationship, but they don’t seem to want to spend any time with me or care about my feelings. It hurts my feelings, to say the least, but I'm trying to learn how to be okay with not being okay. As strange as it sounds, I know it is possible.
Heeding Wise Words
My sister has had a similar experience with my dad, and she doesn't talk to him much anymore. Similar to myself, she wanted to have a strong relationship with him, yet she learned in our teenage years that it would never happen. It was my mom who taught her how to skateboard, build model cars, and build model ships. My sister had bought these things with the hope that my dad would do these things with her, but he never did.
However, the silver lining is that my mom did. My mom stepped in despite her 12-hour job and did each of these things with my sister. She taught her how to skateboard, even though my mom didn't know how to skateboard, and she also built the model kits with her. While my dad didn't want to do these things, my mom did, and that helped my sister feel much better.
But what are you supposed to do when your mom has passed away? Sometimes it seems like the world should have ended when my mom died. A part of my life ended when she passed away, and it can be hard to move forward some days. While my mom wasn't perfect, she did try her best, and I know she cared about us. Maybe it wasn't in the traditional way, but she did love us.
Not Being Consumed with Anger
I have a problem with anger, and I'm not going to downplay it. My entire family has struggled with anger, so it is not surprising that I picked up on this behavior too. Whenever I try to talk with difficult family members, the anger consumes me. I'm mad that they don't see things from my point of view, and more so, I am mad because they don't even try. When I bring up something that is bothering me, it is shrugged off and not seen as important.
And then I'm just left to sit in my feelings.
As I was walking the other day, I told myself, “It is okay if they don't care about you. You'll be okay.” I cried after saying this because nobody wants to come to the realization that some of your family members don't care about you. None of us wants to face this, yet for many of us, it is true.
We live in a fallen world, and this means that even our family can hurt us. By not being there for us, saying hurtful words, and not helping us, it all displays to us that we don't matter. Sometimes we have to learn that we don't matter to some people, but it doesn't mean that we are worthless to God. Many members of my family have made me feel worthless, but I know I'm seen as beloved in God’s eyes—and you are too (Jeremiah 31:3).
Our family might not care, but God does. It is painful to know that many parents don’t care about their children. It shouldn’t be this way, yet for so many children, they know they are seen as a bother or a burden. For those of us who know this, we need to accept the pain; however, we don’t need to allow it to consume us. We don’t need to give in to anger or resentment. Instead, we need to turn to Jesus.
When everyone else doesn’t want us, God does. When others don’t care about us, God does. When we are not loved by our own family, God loves us.
Reflect on these truths rather than letting the pain eat away at you. The pain will try to hurt us from time to time, yet we can always cling to the promise that God loves us always. His love will never waver or change (Romans 8:37-39). God’s love will never fail us because it is rooted in His perfect character.
Putting Your Best Foot Forward
It is a natural reaction to want to make the person who hurt us feel bad about what they have done to us, yet we must not retaliate. God wants us to love them regardless. Whether our family or friends, we are called to love everyone (John 13:34-35). This love shows that we belong to Jesus and we are walking in obedience to Him.
Each time we feel anger or resentment, we need to give these feelings over to the Lord. The Apostle Peter tells us, “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7). Jesus cares about us. Take this truth to heart and know that you can turn to Him with anything. By turning to Him and resting in His love, we will be able to put our best foot forward. Rather than being consumed by our pain, we will be able to move forward to a better life.
It is a tragedy that many of us have broken families and bad relationships with family members, but sadly, most of us cannot change them. If the person doesn’t want to change, there is nothing we can do. All we can do is give the situation over to Jesus and preserve our well-being. Maybe this means spending some time away from family for a while and reconnecting down the road.
This might give everyone a chance to get their bearings. Sadly, many of us will return, only to be met with the same pain. I want you to have the best life, and sometimes this means letting go of what is binding you. We can love our family while preserving our well-being. In other words, we can continue to love them and do what is right without having to be around them.
God doesn’t call us to bear it and grin. Instead, He calls us out of darkness and into His beautiful life. Our families might continue to hurt us and inflict lasting wounds on our hearts, but it doesn’t mean we have to return the same hurtful actions. Instead, we can follow Jesus, love others, and know that we are wanted by Him.
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