When I first felt disconnected from the typical holiday cheer, I thought, "What's wrong with me? Why can't I get it together? Why can't I just be cheery? Where has my 'Christmas Spirit' gone?" But the more I pondered this phenomenon, the more I realized I wasn't alone in my feelings.
Many people enjoy the season from November to New Year's. What's not to love? From snowstorms to holiday celebrations and festivities, it's a bustling season. But for others, even amidst the holiday joy, grief, loneliness, and anxiety exist.
From financial stress to chaotic family events, we must acknowledge that the sometimes "quiet" and behind-the-scenes moments of Christmas can feel heavy and less than stellar. They don't have to steal the show of the joy of Jesus and all this season brings, but it's essential to recognize, validate, and make a safe space to process for those who feel this way.
What does it mean when the season celebrating Christ's coming doesn't feel or seem joyful at all? How can we learn to find God's joy when it doesn't come easily?
The Quiet Side of Christmas
In 2022, 13 million people struggled with grief during the holidays. Today, nearly 35% don't look forward to the wintery seasons and 47% listed grief or the loss of a loved one as a top holiday stressor. 61% of U.S. consumers even believe they will experience loneliness or sadness over the holidays before they even arrive.
Grief, loneliness, and anxiety happen to all of us. But when we're constantly comparing our lives to Hallmark movies or model homes on Instagram, what else can we expect? Most lived-in realities don't include pristine kitchens with a blazing fireplace and the perfect 4-person table overlooking the river. Cookies aren't freshly baked, looking like they came from Martha Stewart's home, and we're lucky if the Christmas decorations make it out of the box before December 25th passes. And yet, those are the unrealistic expectations and standards we set for ourselves. No wonder we're so depressed, discouraged, and on edge.
Instead of shoving down these feelings, we as a culture need to learn to pause, process them, and reflect. We need to normalize the emotional complexity at Christmas and show that it's okay if we feel disconnected from "holiday cheer" from time to time.
Why Christmas Can Feel Hard
Even if you haven't experienced loss or grief, seeing others suffer during this time can amplify your own pain. If we have experienced the deep sorrow of pets, loved ones, or losses, the magnitude of this void is even deeper. Add family tension and unmet expectations on top of this, and you've got the recipe for a perfect storm.
With the pressure to feel joyful, we feel like we can't be ourselves—with God, ourselves, let alone anyone else. When we can't be ourselves, we tend to shut down and hide. This leads to concealing our emotions and becoming a boiling pot of water that will eventually explode or overflow. Neither is a good nor a healthy option.
Instead of shaming ourselves for these feelings and difficult circumstances, we need to examine what Scripture really says. Yes, the joy of the Lord is our strength, and there is great reason to rejoice, but there's also a time and place to mourn and express our concerns to God, and that can coincide with Christmas. And it doesn't make you negative, pessimistic, or a Debbie Downer.
God Came Into the Mess
In Luke 2:6-7, we read these words: "While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no guest room available for them" (NIV).
As much as everyone loves a baby being born today, it wasn't quite what the people of the Old Testament had in mind when they were waiting for a King to come. They wanted someone with power. Someone strong and defiant. What they got was a baby wrapped in cloth, lying in a manger. Born in the most humble way possible. Gentle. Meek. And mild. Power under control. Strength hidden in his cries.
Jesus was born into poverty, instability, and danger. From the moment He was born, people wanted Him dead. Can you even imagine? But the beautiful thing about His entry into this world was that God chose to send Jesus into our mess because of His love for us. And just like He sent Jesus back then, that same Jesus chooses and desires to be part of our messy hearts and lives today. Because He loves us, and no depression or sad moods during the holidays can take that away.
One of my favorite names for God is found in Isaiah 7:14. Emmanuel (or Immanuel) was a prophetic name for the Messiah, meaning God *with* us. And that He still is. God with us today, tomorrow, and forever. Not only does this verse signify God's presence and salvation through the blood of Jesus, but His ability to be with and within us, no matter what we experience or go through. God is with us now.
God is with us when we're happy.
God is with us when we're sad.
God is with us when we're cheerful at Christmas.
God is with us when all we can do at Christmas is cry.
Because God is with us, period, he's not just the God who is with us after we feel better. No, He's with us here and now for the long haul.
Reframing Joy
As Christian's, there's often a common misinterpretation or definition of what it means to have the joy of the Lord. Sadly, we believe this means we can never be anything but happy. But have you read the Psalms? There's even an entire book in the Bible called Lamentations. It's okay to cry and express other feelings, friends. Why? Because Jesus did.
Yes, the joy of the Lord is our strength, and He is with us. But biblical joy doesn't equate to constant happiness. No, joy needs to be redefined and reframed as presence, not performance. Psalm 34:18 tells us that God is with us when we're crushed, just like He's with us when we're joyful and singing praises to His Name.
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" (Psalm 34:18, NIV).
Learning to reframe this joy isn't easy, but it requires us to acknowledge how we really feel, take those feelings to the Lord, and then ask Him to make His presence known to us. Because that's where true breakthrough shines forth. Saying, I've got peace that makes no sense. Not because our circumstances have changed, but because we know Him who is within and with us during them.
Practical Takeaways
If you're struggling to find joy this holiday season, please know that you're not alone. I also want you to know that nothing is wrong with you, and it's okay to feel something other than joy. But, friend, you have to be honest with God, yourself, and others about what you're feeling inside. You were never meant to carry it in solitude or silence.
As a gentle recommendation, I suggest releasing the pressure to feel a certain way this holiday season. Both joy and sorrow will arise. Let them come. Feel them. And then let them go. They are purposeful and essential to validate.
Then, create space for lament. That's right! Mark a time and space to reflect, cry, and journal. Whatever you need to do to release your feelings healthily, do it.
Finally, practice getting alone with God. I like to call this practicing "Quiet Presence" with my Father, but any name will do. The goal is to read 5-7 verses of Scripture and sit with it. Ask God to open your heart and mind. Then, wait for the Lord to speak. Sometimes it takes 5 minutes, other times it takes an hour. But make room and allowance for as much time as you need. Don't speak or request. Focus on listening and making room for His presence.
While none of these practices are "cure-alls" for the winter blues you might feel this season, they are things that have helped me. It's my prayer that they allow you, too. Not just to process your emotions, but to rest assured that it's okay to feel something other than joy during a season that says "Merry Christmas." Because not everyone is "merry" all the time, and that's okay. It makes you human.
Prayer
Dear Jesus,
Today, Lord, would you meet us where we are? If we're sad, help us come to you. If we're happy, allow us to come to you. No matter what we're feeling, help us come to you because you love us and care about what we're going through. Jesus, the space between Christmas and New Year's can be hard to navigate, but you're with us through it all. Please help us to be open and honest with you. Help us to lay down any shame and exchange it for the presence of your love. We love, praise, and thank you, Jesus. Amen.
Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/ kajakiki
