As I am writing this, I am a single, 43-year-old woman who has never been married and has no children. And how you just internally reacted to that description of myself might have more to say about you than anything about my circumstances themselves. I don’t write about singleness all that much since I matured into my 40s. Some people may think it’s because I am too scared to share my emotions when I sit down and ponder singleness. Or maybe they think it’s because I don’t want to be a single woman spokesperson. After all, if I am really good at being single, then God could see to it that I stay that way, right? And maybe some may think there is far more that characterizes me than just my relationship status, and therefore, I have more pertinent things to write about that are close to my heart.
Would you be surprised if I admitted all of those reasons above are actually true of me?
Pushing past the hesitancy, I felt a stirring in my heart this Valentine’s season to remind my fellow single, bravehearted friends in their 40s of some truths that God has miraculously drilled into my heart and mind over the past year. It’s not my style to be exclusive in my writing, but if you continue reading this article and you are married, I pray you do so with a caring heart. As much as social media would love to pit one group against another, there is no winner or loser in my mind when it comes to relationship statuses.
In this article, I am coming to you, my fellow single friends, with the hope of encouraging and comforting you, all the while knowing that you are not alone. You will read no dating advice or how-to-look-your-best adages from me—just pure, heartfelt truths from one friend to another. There is really something special about being encouraged by someone who is still in the trenches with you, isn’t there? So, for the 40-something-year-old woman also moving through this life single, will you allow me to speak to you? Let’s talk.
Your Discernment Is Showing
Discernment has been a blessing to me, but if I’m sincere, it can also feel like a curse at times. I’ve never been a flighty person who makes a rash decision for the fun of it without thinking through all of the possible consequences. Go ahead, you can psychoanalyze me, but I’m ok with who I am. Sure, I love to daydream and get lost in a romantic period piece, whether it's a film or a book, but I am grounded in real life. I would dare to say that you, too, have used this gift in your own lives, if only by the observation that you have decided to continue to love Jesus and yourself enough to stay this course alone.
I don’t know everyone’s dating stories, but I bet we have some good ones. Almost more than friends, first kisses, the first love that broke our hearts, and the quickened ache of a crush that chooses another...right in front of our eyes. If there is one thing I can say confidently about myself, it’s that I do not make hurried decisions. Evidence is in my life, my finances, my work, and my friendships. I won’t claim to have always made the right decision, but when I have messed up, God has sovereignly given me a way out. In Proverbs 17:24, we are taught that “A discerning person keeps wisdom in view, but a fool’s eyes wander to the ends of the earth.”
And here I am. Joyful of heart, eyes locked in, yes, sorrowful at times, but overall pleased with the course of my life and those that I have been able to spend time with in this life so far. Maybe you feel as though you have been given glimmers of “almost love” and have still chosen to wait for God’s best for you...even when it hurts. That’s discernment. Refined eyes from Jesus’ calling on our lives and the openness of our hearts to hang on. It’s our closely attuned ears to God, in dependence on Him, that have increased the accuracy of our discerning hearts.
You Are a Gift
Open to this truth or not, you are a dear gift to those around you. Your light shines brighter when darkness surrounds, and would you say that, at times, singleness can feel like a dark cave of questions? I was reminded recently that the first person Jesus chose to reveal his resurrected self to was Mary Magdalene, a single woman. How amazing that, among all His disciples, many, including men, He chose a single woman to be the first to come in contact with Him. These words from John 20:16 make my heart jump: “Jesus said to her, ‘Mary.’” Why did he choose Mary? We may not know the answer on this side of heaven, but I have a feeling that He loved and admired her steadfast faith, trust, and devotion to Him.
Do you feel like you are a gift? You could think more about using your God-given gifts. I have been so blessed to grow my gifts for His glory over the years, and I do know that had I been married with children at the same time, I would not be at the level I am now with the gifts I have. I am not saying that I have come to some pinnacle; we all have room to grow, but I have developed my gifts and talents in writing, as a speech therapist, as a singer, and in many other pursuits in such a way that I hope and pray, and often can see, that I am blessing others with them.
Let yourself be proud of your accomplishments and talents. Let yourself sit down for a moment and realize the impact your life has on the multitude of people you are surrounded by because of your life as a single woman. I dare say the number of people you are in contact with as a single, for God’s glory, might astonish you.
The Power of a Word
Have you noticed that the topic of seasons comes up a lot in Christian circles, especially in female circles? The idea of our lives moving through opposing seasons is traced back to the Old Testament in Ecclesiastes 3:1: “For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.” While I agree that we will each experience different seasons throughout our lives (ex, season of grief, season of joy, to speak up, or stay quiet), I personally don’t think this means that they will be linear and that everyone is promised to experience life in the same timeline of predictable sequences of events regarding our relationships. The problem with substituting the word “season” for the idea of “timelines” when speaking about our relationship status is that it can create emotional and mental expectations.
I have never heard a married woman describe themselves as being in a “season of marriage,” and rightly so. How odd to think a person would describe their marriage with the preemptive idea that it would end. In that same vein, wouldn’t the verbiage of being in a “season of singleness” lead me to think I am soon expecting to be out of singleness? While this may very well happen for many of us single women, I do believe it does us a disservice to continue to hold that mindset when describing our lives. It’s the ache of “one day” that can perpetuate the hurt of unmet expectations, of feeling sorry for ourselves, of being mad at our current life, or of feeling behind.
Words affect me more than you right now, but I have done a lot of work to not feel behind in life because of my singleness, so choosing how I describe myself matters to me. I will continue to mindfully describe my relationship status as just being “single” because I don’t know for sure that I will be married one day... no matter the hours and tears in prayer I have already put in and will continue to on the topic. And if the two labels of 'wife' and 'mother' never make their way to me, I will be ok with that. I trust that my Lord is Sovereign, and with men’s free will to choose or not choose to pursue me, and my free will to receive or not receive their pursuit, I trust that God will take care of me throughout my entire life. And that’s a word right there.
When You Love Your Life, You See More Clearly
I recently found out that my blood type is B+. And because of my love of words and silly sense of humor, the fact that the very blood running through my veins is telling me to “be positive” is pretty amazing. While I wouldn’t say that I have a constant positive perspective, I have found that I’ve fallen more in love with my life the longer I have lived, and coincidentally, been single. This cheerful attitude has helped me disregard the silly labels culture loves to give older single women, including “lonely cat-lady” and “old maid.” These labels are far from the reality I see of my fellow single 40-year-old peers. And while culture may try to shame us into lowering our standards, we know how hard we have worked to become content in our circumstances and how grateful we are for God’s provision and guidance in living independently as single women thus far.
When you’ve done the due diligence to understand more of God’s Word and grow in your relationship with Jesus year after year, you gain a much clearer view of everything around you and what really matters on this side of eternity. In return, the stings from others’ sordid opinions of your relationship status don’t hold the power you once thought they could. Proverbs 4:6-9 reminds us of this: “Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you; love her, and she will watch over you. The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom. Though it costs all you have, get understanding. Cherish her, and she will exalt you; embrace her, and she will honor you. She will give you a garland to grace your head and present you with a glorious crown.”
You see, when you love your life, grow in your gifts for others, watch the words you use, and use your God-given discernment, you can see the world more clearly as a deeply loved child of God. Grace is then more effortless to give to others, and your heart is stronger, yet still tender, when you realize your dependence is on Jesus. Who else knows best how hard this world is from a single person’s perspective? You got it, the most genuine love of our lives, Jesus Christ.
Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Olga Rolenko
