Oh, dear momma, I wish I had the right words to comfort your heart as we come into a holiday that brings all kinds of heaviness and a unique pain. My heart breaks with yours, as I understand this burden you carry. I know the tinge of anger you feel, the mixed emotions that emerge out of nowhere, and all the memories that randomly resurface at the most inopportune times. I sadly understand the odd loneliness and sense of abandonment that comes with this time of year. And, yes, I also get that you have likely already secretly cried (or screamed) in your closet or car just to release this uncomfortable and unfamiliar feeling that continually sits on your chest and constantly consumes you. Trust me, girl, there is no shame in that. Scream away!
Honestly, if you were to have asked me yesterday if I even wanted to celebrate Mother’s Day, I would have quickly said, “Nope!” Maybe because I found myself inside a craft store that just so happened to be lined with precious mugs (that my mom once collected) and cute gifts that I totally would have gotten for her. So, of course, the flood of tears came – in public. Ugh! Grief is raw, brutal, hard, and messy. And while it may become easier to carry and manage over time, it’s still always there, bubbling just below the surface.
Sweet momma, whether you have a mom who is here, but not physically present, or you have a momma in heaven, this “motherless mother” club, especially on a holiday that is meant to celebrate the “heart” work we pour in each and every day, is simply awful! It’s not a club any of us wants to be a part of, so it’s bound to conjure up some rather messy emotions, including bitterness and resentment.
So, what do we do with all of this? How do we walk into a holiday meant to be cherished without letting the strings of grief weigh us down? Let’s first start by acknowledging the unique grief we carry and go from there, shall we?
With sincerity, know that all the emotions you feel are completely valid. Grief can come in many shapes and forms, so we must understand the heaviness we are carrying so we can seek the support we desperately need and secretly crave.
You miss your momma. I get it, sister. I do too. If we could meet up for coffee, I would love to hear her story, your story. Then have a good cry, maybe a chuckle or two, and end with warm hugs. So, let’s pretend for a moment, okay? What was your mom like? Maybe your mom is in heaven, like mine, and you long for her guidance, support, wise words, and her gentle and understanding hug. Maybe you hold a vastly different story, like my mother-in-law, who struggles with mental health and faces brutal addictions, making her unavailable. Maybe your momma is physically there, but not emotionally understanding. Maybe your relationship is strained and unhealthy, or you grieve the mother you once had, but due to illness or tragic life events, she has changed. No matter what your story holds, the grief is there, and it hurts. And, I am so very sorry.
The mother-daughter relationship can be a fragile one, can’t it? Thankfully, our Father brings us comfort in His Word. Psalm 34:18 and Matthew 5:4 remind us that in the midst of grief, we always have a place to find hope and comfort. Ephesians 4:23 and Colossians 3:13 tell us that we serve a God of compassion, grace, and forgiveness, and call us to do the same.
Covering yourself in God’s truth should give your heart so much joy, knowing that we can find hope, redemption, and sweet solace when we meet Him on those precious pages! So, give your heart a hug and wrap yourself in the goodness of His Word today.
Our God is a relational God, so it’s probably not news to know that our relationships matter deeply to Him. God’s purpose for our relationships is to honor Him first and foremost (Deuteronomy 6:5) and then to love others, including our parents (Exodus 20:12). This is also why our loving God prepares a place for us in heaven, while also reminding us that we will be joined by our loved ones (John 14:2-3, 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18). God knows we crave and need community—He created us that way—and that begins in our homes with the connections we have to our mommas. Maybe this is why it can be so very painful when our mother, and her love, is absent or gone.
So, how can we honor our mom when she is no longer here or available? How can we find a place where her love and our love collide, even if it’s wrapped in the messiness of grief or fractured by dissonance? Try a few of these ideas to put your heart at ease:
1. Start by creating your own Mother’s Day traditions. Allow your husband and children to dote on you or go out to brunch with some sweet friends.
2. Celebrate other mother role models in your life. Take the time to honor and appreciate other ladies who have come alongside you in this motherhood journey and have encouraged you to be the mom you are today.
3. Take time to visit your mom’s grave or resting place and pay tribute to her with prayer or a time of inner reflection.
4. Honor your feelings and be gentle and kind to yourself. Self-care is important while grieving, so do what you need to clear your mind and hug your heart, whether that means getting your nails done or taking an extra-long bubble bath.
5. Watch your mom’s favorite movie or listen to a song that brings back memories. Be prepared to cry and embrace some big emotions, so have Kleenex ready. It’s okay; this is part of healing, sweet friend.
I still remember the first Mother’s Day without my mom. She was called home four days after Easter, so Mother’s Day marked the very first holiday without her. Honestly, I was a bit (okay, a huge) mess, but I also remember feeling numb, confused, and in utter shock. It was still so raw.
After church, we rushed to the grocery store to pick up turquoise balloons (my mom’s favorite color) and met my dad, sister, and her husband at the grave site. It was a beautiful sunny day as we all wrote letters to my mom on these balloons while standing over her grave. However, in that moment, I remember finding it hard to breathe and becoming filled with this uncomfortable feeling that blended both anxiety and anger as I helped my six-year-old formulate a letter to her late grandmother. It just all felt so unfair! Those immense feelings only grew when it came time for me to write to my mom, and I was rendered speechless. I mean, what do you say?
My heart screamed, "Why did you have to leave? I can’t do this without you! You were the only one who believed in me, and now you are gone!" Yet, my mind somehow quieted my harsh heart and was able to convince my hands to tell her how incredible she was and how much I missed her.
This will mark the fourth Mother’s Day without her here! It’s still a rather strange feeling to celebrate without her, as it always brings a flood of emotions, which usually tries to torment my heart in new ways. But what I have come to realize is that God brings us to a place where joy really can (and does) coincide with sorrow. He gives us the means to embrace His love so we can give ourselves space to grieve and grace to heal.
I don’t know what your Mother’s Day holds, but I do know that if it comes with a tinge of grief and sorrow, you are allowed to give yourself the gift of grace. God’s grace is what will carry you through, and it is more than sufficient! I promise there are better days ahead. They may not come this side of heaven, but the promise that awaits those who love God (and faithful sister, that is you) is truly unimaginable (1 Corinthians 2:9).
Much love and many hugs!
Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Maria Korneeva