4 Boundaries You Need to Have a Stress-Free and Joyful Christmas

We’ve all probably known people able to create tension the moment they walk into the room. For years, whenever upset, I was that person. My daughter once said, “Mom, when you’re unhappy about something, you make everyone else miserable.” This stunned me and caused me to honestly evaluate my heart and actions. I realized, whenever I fumed and stomped around, I was acting as a destructive force among my family, and I was distancing myself from my Savior. 

As Ken Sande, author of Peace Maker, explains, “Such behavior is an act of unbelief. Instead of relying on God’s means of grace to sanctify her family, she depends on her own tools of punishment to manipulate them into change.”

As I began to evaluate my actions, I started to notice that not only was I, at times, stealing other people’s peace, I was allowing far too many to do the same to me. I spent too much time and energy trying to please others and avoid their displeasure, and thus I was being just as manipulative as the one with the poor behavior. 

One afternoon, while reacting to someone who had routinely been unkind, a thought clicked: Who gave her such power over me? 

I had, and I needed to remind myself that I’m not responsible for someone else’s emotions, nor are they responsible for mine. 

We likely know this intellectually, but the question is how? How can we reach a place where we help set rather than absorb and reflect the tone of our environments?

Reaching this place of relational health takes practice and determination and begins with self-analysis. 

When we sense negative emotions rising, we need to ask ourselves why. Why does that person’s behavior make us anxious? Are we afraid they might do something harmful? If so, we may need to leave until that individual has calmed down. Do we fear the loss of a relationship? This suggests the relationship wasn’t very healthy or strong to begin with and indicates the need for growth.

It may take time and prayer to discern the root of our reactions. But the more we learn to question our feelings, the more self-aware, and thus healthy and tranquil, we’ll become.

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Similarly, I’m not responsible for someone else’s behavior. It is not my place to stop my uncle from getting drunk or my aunt from getting angry and cursing at the family. I am, however, fully responsible for my behavior. If something upsets me, I have three choices: I can maintain self-control and, if necessary, express my concerns in a calm and loving manner. I can remove myself from the situation or individual who is challenging my peace. Or, I can lose my temper, but if I choose the latter, I, not the one I’m upset with, am to blame. 

I’m also responsible for the treatment I permit. For example, when a family member grows angry and begins to yell at me, I have the right to say, “I don’t allow people to treat me this way. I’m leaving and will return when you’re able to talk to me more calmly.” Then, I have the right to leave.

I don’t have to absorb abusive behavior, nor do you. 

When we calmly state our boundaries and walk away, we help everyone involved recognize what is and isn’t healthy. When we react, the focus shifts onto the argument, and likely our poor behavior, rather than the real issue. 

It’s important to note, however, though we have a right and responsibility to speak truth to others, we have not been granted the power or authority to change them. This means it’s not our place to badger, pester, or threaten someone into acting a certain way. Instead, we state our concerns in a loving manner, how we will respond, and then we follow through.

For example, say Janice is invited to her mother-in-law’s for dinner. While there, her host becomes critical. Perhaps this is an ongoing problem Janice has tried to address numerous times. But instead of removing herself and her family from the situation or ignoring her mother-in-law’s poor behavior, Janice moves the discussion to an ongoing series of emails and texts. In this, she’s attempting to initiate someone else’s transformation, a role reserved for Christ. 

That’s not to say we shouldn’t speak truth to others or act as a positive influence. But we must do so in surrendered obedience, seeking to honor Christ and Christ alone and entrusting everyone else to Him.

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Most of us will likely get more invites this holiday season than we can reasonably accommodate. In an effort to appease everyone, we may be tempted to cram numerous parties into our schedule. Then, on Christmas morning, we might drive from one house to another, eating more turkey than our bellies can manage, but at what cost? Are we sacrificing precious, sacred moments for hurried, stressful obligations? And for those of us with children, are we training our kids to do the same? But perhaps most importantly, who are we striving to please—people or God?

It is His birthday, after all. 

As Christmas draws near, we must ask ourselves two interconnected questions: What and who are my top priorities this season? And, does my schedule reflect this?

When we set and maintain healthy boundaries we are simply living as if the truths we claim are really true. 

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When our daughter was young, each Christmas, we spent more than we could afford, and often, out of obligation or fear. We worried that if our daughter didn’t have a certain number of presents to open on Christmas morning, she’d feel slighted or inferior to some of her more affluent friends. We didn’t know how to politely decline gift exchanges and allowed our pride to override our common sense. Eventually, our frivolous spending landed us in debt. With maxed-out credit cards, we realized we needed to make a change. We had to put our family’s long-term financial health above our temporary comfort, desire to please others, and insecurities.

This involved numerous growth steps, including becoming more confident in myself. I needed to stop trying to validate myself and others through spending. I needed to rest secure in who I was and Whose I was—a child of God, purchased by Him. My value didn’t come from what type of car we drove, toys our daughter accumulated, or what other people thought of me. I also had to give God’s voice supreme authority. Only He had the power and right to define me, and He said I was priceless. 

Granted, we must always seek to demonstrate the sacrificial, initiating love of our Savior. But we must indeed do so out of love, not guilt, obligation, manipulation, or fear. As we draw closer to Christ each day and surrender our hearts, hurts, and fears to Him, He will enable us to love others well—in a way that doesn’t sacrifice our emotional and relational health and leave us exhausted and overwhelmed.

We can indeed have a holly, jolly Christmas this year, but with all the stressors pulling on us and our families, this likely won’t occur naturally. To create the sacred moments we long for, we’ll need to prioritize emotional, financial, and relational health by setting and maintaining clear and appropriate boundaries. 

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Jennifer Slattery is a writer and speaker who’s addressed women’s groups, church groups, Bible studies, and writers across the nation. She’s the author of Hometown Healing and numerous other titles and maintains a devotional blog at JenniferSlatteryLivesOutLoud.com. As the founder of Wholly Loved Ministries, she and her team love to help women discover, embrace, and live out who they are in Christ. Visit her online to find out more about her speaking or to book her for your next women’s event, and sign up for her free quarterly newsletter HERE to learn of her future appearances, projects, and releases. 

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