One Reason Relationships Are Complicated - iBelieve Truth - August 8, 2023

One Reason Relationships are Complicated
By Ashley Moore

"Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." - Hebrews 4:16, ESV

Have you ever heard of Attachment Theory? This theory is a psychological explanation for how people connect emotionally to one another based on their early bonding experiences with parents or caregivers. The theory explains how all of us are born with an innate desire for relationships with others and how early connections can either positively or negatively impact our ability to attach to others in the future. 

For example, if your primary caregiver was both your source of comfort but also a source of fear, you may have a disorganized attachment style. This style means you may crave intimacy in your relationships, but because you are afraid due to painful early experiences, you may push people who love you away. 

If you had a neglectful caregiver or were punished for relying on others for help, you may have an avoidant attachment style. This means you may reject the idea of loving relationships and build emotional walls to keep others at bay. 

If you had an unreliable primary caregiver who was often unavailable to you, you may identify with the ambivalent or anxious attachment style. This means you likely become very distressed at the idea of losing a relationship and have an overwhelming fear of facing rejection.  

Finally, if you had parents or caregivers who were imperfect, but mostly met your emotional and physical needs you may identify with having a secure attachment style. This means you are well-adjusted socially and have no problems bonding with others in intimate relationships. 

While attachment theory gives us a framework for how we learn to connect with others, it also helps us to understand how people who identify with each style all have the same need. We all desire the consistent presence of a secure, dependable, approachable, and loving caregiver, at all stages in life. But according to this theory, a majority of us did not receive that as children and struggle to find it in our adult relationships as well. 

But, perhaps our struggle lies in the fact that we are relying on other imperfect people to fill a void only a perfect God can satisfy.

This is a far cry from excusing the abuse or neglect you may have experienced as a child. That was wrong, and those awful things never should have happened to you. But my hope is that you understand, despite all the ways people have disappointed you, God will never let you down. He is approachable, unchanging, dependable, and perfectly loving. He wants you to come to Him with any and every need you have. He wants you to approach Him when you’re scared and when you mess up big time. He came and gave His life so that you could draw near to Him in your time of need. And He delights to care for you. Hebrews 4:16 and similar verses prove that God wants to show you mercy for your mistakes and give you the grace to get through the hard parts of your life! 

If relationships were hard or are currently still a struggle for you, allow God to be your secure source of care. Allow His unending love to inform how you connect with others and show up in the world. He is the perfect parent and the most reliable relationship you will ever experience. You can come to Him confidently knowing He will never leave or abandon you and His Word never fails. 

Heavenly Father, 

Thank you for who you are to us! Thank you that you are a relational God. God, you are our Father (2 Corinthians 6:18). Jesus, you are our big brother and husband to your bride (Hebrews 2:11; Ephesians 5:23). Your Holy Spirit is our helper (John 14:16). You meet every need we have, and your love never fails (Psalm 100:5). Help us to look to you when broken people let us down. Lord, I ask that you heal those relational wounds from our caregivers. Help us to forgive them, God. Give us wisdom to safely engage with people who have hurt us. Lord, let your love fill us and overflow into our relationships with others no matter how complicated they may be, amen. 

Photo Credit: ©Unsplash/Busing

Ashley Moore is a writer and host of be the two™podcast. She is known for her relatability and for passionately writing and speaking about mental, emotional, and relational health from a biblical worldview. She has written for Kingdom Edge Magazine, Guideposts, Crosswalk, The Secret Place, enLIVEn, The Bubbling Brook and more. If Ashley isn't writing, you can find her with her husband, three children, and two floppy-eared Goldens on their south Georgia farmland. The best way to connect with Ashley is to grab a free devotional or Bible study and join her newsletter at free.ashleynicolemoore.com.

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