The Stopgates to Surrender
Lysa TerKeurst
Lee en español
“Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:16-18, NIV).
Recently I started uncovering some deeply rooted beliefs I have that hinder me from making peace with the people and situations I can’t control in my life. And as I journaled about what those beliefs are, here is what flowed onto the pages:
Everything depends on me.
I’m the one who holds everything together.
I have to do this in order to protect my family and my kids.
My only hope for this to get better is if I actively keep working to change it.
If I don’t intervene, bad things are going to happen.
If it doesn’t turn the way I want it to turn, I’m not going to be OK.
And for me, while I’m not proud to admit this, the deepest of all of these beliefs is: I have prayed about this, and God is not answering my prayer. I don’t really believe He is working to change or fix this. I don’t really believe God is doing anything about this. And I don’t really believe I can trust Him with this.
If you can relate, the Lord has been teaching me something profound: These are the stopgates that prevent us from surrendering to Him what is His to carry.
I’ve been reflecting on this because I have ongoing relational situations in my life that constantly throw me into turmoil. And honestly, I want to fix them. But the fixing can’t be me changing the other person. The fixing has to be me surrendering to God what is beyond my ability to control.
I know with God all things are possible, yet the Apostle Paul also carefully worded Romans 12:16-18:
“Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”
Did you catch that very important boundary built into Paul’s instruction? “If it is possible” means sometimes it may not be possible to live at peace with a person. And we’re supposed to do our part, “as far as it depends on” us, but we aren’t supposed to try to make others do their part. That has to be their choice.
As believers, we sometimes think it’s our Christian duty to make every situation OK, good, and peaceful. Then we carry enormous amounts of unnecessary guilt and shame for not being able to create “kumbaya” atmospheres and interactions with some people. We may have a mental picture of sitting in a circle around a campfire with our arms around one another, swaying and singing in peaceful harmony, “Kumbaya, my Lord, kumbaya.”
But did you know that while there are various views on the origin of the word “kumbaya,” most suggest it was originally sung by people who were taken captive as slaves from Africa? It was a plea or prayer for God to come close in times of despair and suffering. So this term is not about forcing an external peace that may not be possible — it’s about finding internal peace as we admit we need the Lord.
Now, back to Paul’s teaching. If someone else is unwilling to cooperate with the peace and harmony of Christ, as believers, we’re still responsible for making both peace and harmony the hallmarks of how we act and react. But to protect our emotional stability, it may be necessary to handle our interactions with this person differently.
And if this person is an adult, peace will require that we make these decisions:
- We will stop intervening in areas where they need to be responsible for themselves.
- We will stop trying to control outcomes to better align with what we think is best.
- We will stop having unrealistic expectations that we really can fix them.
- We will stop allowing them to control us by pulling us into their chaos and expecting us to pick up the pieces.
- We will start surrendering to God that which we cannot heal, fix, or control with this person.
So how do we change some of those deeply rooted beliefs?
We cling to the truth that God is trustworthy and in control of everything. Nothing catches Him off guard. He is omniscient (all-knowing), omnipotent (all-powerful), and omnipresent (in all places at all times).
We have to shift from demanding what we feel is best right now to trusting that God has an ultimate good in mind. This requires not just a one-time surrender but an ongoing practice of surrender, in which we consistently choose to do what we are responsible for and trust God with the outcome.
Lord, You see the weight I’ve been carrying and the ways I’ve tried to hold everything together on my own. Forgive me for gripping so tightly to what You’re asking me to release. When I don’t see You working, help me trust that You are still present, still powerful, and still good. Teach me to do my part and surrender the rest, finding peace not in changed circumstances but in You. Remind me today that I am not the One holding everything together — You are, and I can rest in Your hands. In Jesus' name, amen.
OUR FAVORITE THINGS
Sometimes surrender can feel like we’re giving up. But what if it’s actually what we need to do to move forward and find healing? In her new book, Making Peace with What I Can’t Control, Lysa TerKeurst gently reminds us that peace doesn’t come from having all the answers or fixing every situation. It comes from staying close to the Lord in the middle of the unknown. If you’re weary from trying to hold everything together, this book offers biblical wisdom, practical tools, and the reassurance that God can bear the weight of all you’ve been carrying. Preorder your copy here, and start reading the first three chapters immediately!
ENGAGE
Find everyday encouragement when you connect with Lysa TerKeurst here on Instagram.
FOR DEEPER STUDY
Psalm 56:3-4, “When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise—in God I trust and am not afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?” (NIV).
Who is that person you wish would change for the better? Today when you are in a quiet place, close your eyes and picture yourself walking them over to Jesus and placing their hand in His. Then whisper a prayer of surrender: I’ve done what I can do, so now, Lord, I will trust You with the rest. I know You love them more than I do. And this is what I will cling to as I make peace with what I cannot control.
We’d love to hear how this speaks to you in the comments.
© 2026 by Lysa TerKeurst. All rights reserved.
Proverbs 31 Ministries
P.O. Box 3189
Matthews, NC 28106
www.Proverbs31.org
Originally published Tuesday, 11 August 2026.
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