Staying United When You Disagree about Having Children
By: Vivian Bricker
“For God is not a God of disorder but of peace—as in all the congregations of the Lord’s people.” (1 Corinthians 14:33)
Most couples discuss the topic of children before getting married. However, there are many couples who choose to withhold talking about this important topic until after marriage. While it is best to discuss when and whether you want to have children during the dating or engagement period, some people never have this conversation. Rather than shaming individuals who waited to have this talk, they need support and help.
If you refrained from having this talk until after marriage, know you are not alone. Many women and men don't talk about having children until after they are married because they are afraid their answer will be a “deal breaker.” It is understandable that many people only want to date others who want to have a family as they do, yet sometimes this can knock a few good matches out of the running. You are not alone in this struggle, and the problem you are facing now is not your fault.
It could even be that you and your spouse did talk about when and if you wanted to have children, but now your spouse has changed their mind. You want to have kids, yet your spouse can’t fathom the idea anymore. If this is true for you, rest in the comfort of God. You might be feeling hurt or betrayed right now, and these feelings are valid. Give yourself time alone and go to the Lord in prayer.
Ensure you have some space from your spouse to process your feelings. Don't ghost them or give them the silent treatment. Choose to be mature and tell them you need some time to process their decision. God will be present as you process this hard news, and He will surround you with His love. During the time you are processing your feelings, it could be that your spouse will be processing their own.
It is important to remember that your spouse is not trying to hurt you with this decision. Maybe having children feels too overwhelming or scary right now. Respect their decision and allow God to heal your heart. With time, your spouse might change their decision. For the time being, choose to place your trust in God and reflect on His love.
After you have taken time to process your own feelings, you need to share your thoughts on the matter. Being married to someone means you are a team. This tells us that neither the husband nor the wife has the final say. Instead, a mutual decision needs to be reached. Therefore, share your feelings and thoughts concerning the matter. If you truly want to have children, tell your spouse this information and how much it hurts you to know that they don't want to have children anymore.
Being honest and open about our feelings can go a long way in our spouse's heart. Married couples are teams. We should not be living in opposition to each other. Ensure you and your spouse are walking in step, united and loving one another.
As you navigate this difficult time, turn to the Bible. Throughout the Bible, we are told, “For God is not a God of disorder but of peace—as in all the congregations of the Lord’s people” (1 Corinthians 14:33). The Apostle Paul tells us in this passage that God is a God of peace. He is not a God of disorder. This means God wants us to have peace with all people, including our spouse. If we are always at odds with our spouse, we will never be able to bring glory to God through our marriage.
Rather than starting fights, allow God to help you have a heart of peace. While it is true that your spouse doesn't want to have children, it doesn't mean you can yell and scream at them. We need to follow Jesus’ example of peace. Screaming, yelling, and fighting are all disordered ways to express our emotions. We need to express our emotions in a peaceful way. By doing this, we will be truly living in alignment with the Lord.
Let's Pray:
“Dear God, my spouse told me that they don't want to have children anymore. I'm feeling so betrayed and hurt. Please help me process this pain and be peaceful in my interactions with my spouse. Help them to know how much pain this has caused me. I still love my spouse, but this is a hard decision to process. I give all of my pain, struggles, and hurt to You. Amen.”
Related Resource: The Five Languages of Apology, with Dr. Gary Chapman
In this insightful episode, Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn sit down with Dr. Gary Chapman, renowned author of The Five Love Languages and The Five Languages of Apology. Together, they explore how understanding both love and apology languages can radically improve relationships. Dr. Chapman unpacks the five core ways people express and receive love—and explains how offering sincere, well-matched apologies can be just as vital to healing and connection. The conversation highlights the power of empathy, emotional communication, and forgiveness in maintaining strong, healthy relationships. Whether you're married, dating, or simply want to love others well, this episode offers powerful tools to deepen your relational bonds. Like what you hear? Be sure to follow I Wish You Could Hear This on Apple or Spotify so you never miss an episode!
Originally published Tuesday, 03 February 2026.
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