God’s Way of Dealing with a Husband’s Harsh Heart
By Lynette Kittle
“Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.”—Colossians 3:19
Words are important to us, not just the ones we speak and write, but also the ones spoken to us, and as most wives know, gentle, loving words spoken to us by our husbands help to encourage and lift us up, while harsh, cold words can quickly discourage and tear us down.
As well, although sarcasm is considered acceptable within many marriages today, it’s often harsh and at the expense of another, especially when directed from a husband to his wife.
Sadly, there are husbands whose first response to their wives is a sarcastic remark, which, although there are wives who just laugh it away, sarcasm conveys contempt towards another, and is a careless and destructive attitude within marriage.
Likewise, attitudes and behaviors matter to us, whether our husbands are sweet, loving, caring, and gentle with us, or are rough, gruff, unpleasant, and harsh towards us makes all the difference in how we feel about them and ourselves, too.
What’s a Wife to Do?
Because wives need TLC from their husbands, how is the best way to deal with a husband’s harshness? What does a wife do if her husband is harsh with her? It’s difficult for many women, especially in today’s culture, not to correct him or say something harsh back to him, which often escalates the situation or shuts husbands down completely.
Women correcting men just isn’t very effective, which seems obvious in our world today, as the contempt and gulf between the two sexes seems to keep increasing.
God’s way is for wives to let Him deal with them, which is difficult for many wives to do. As 1 Peter 3:1-2 advises, “Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.”
Entrust Harsh Husbands to God
Abigail in the Bible was married to a harsh man, yet we don’t read of her correcting, confronting, or leaving him. No, she kept living her faith out before him, entrusting his harshness to God to deal with, which He did on her behalf.
Still, in our day of standing up for ourselves and not letting anyone push us around, it leads many wives to try to correct and change their husbands on their own, with their understanding and methods, rather than turn to and rely on God.
As well, many women are advised, even in Christian circles, to leave their harsh husbands. Yet, God tells us there is hope for him through a wife’s godly behavior, the key to his heart being reached and changed by God.
God doesn’t ever approve of husbands being harsh with their wives and holds them accountable, as He did with Abigail’s husband.
Sadly, women these days are encouraged to throw in the towel and give up too easily when it comes to dealing with a gruff husband. Real change of a husband’s heart often takes time, and women who recognize it will reap spiritual benefits when they submit to God concerning their surly husbands.
God’s Ways of Reaching a Husband’s Heart
When a wife follows the Lord’s directive to reach her husband’s heart, it not only takes the stress and pressure off her to try to deal with, diffuse, and correct him, but also paves the way for God to reach him.
Wives can trust God to speak directly to a man’s heart about how he treats her. Still, even so, a man may not hear, comprehend, or push aside the still small voice of the Holy Spirit’s conviction, and why it’s invaluable for wives to pray for their husbands and trust God to deal with their unkindness and unpleasantness towards them.
Although a wife may not feel like it much of the time, God has placed her in a position where He is able to work powerfully through her words and actions to greatly influence her husband. As Hebrews 10:24 encourages, “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.”
Dear Father, help my husband to love me without any harshness and help me to trust You to deal with any harshness he may show towards me. Soften and change his heart to love You and me more. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Photo Credit: GettyImages/KatarzynaBialasiewicz
Lynette Kittle is married with four daughters. She enjoys writing about faith, marriage, parenting, relationships, and life. Her writing has been published by Focus on the Family, Decision, Today’s Christian Woman, kirkcameron.com, Ungrind.org, StartMarriageRight.com, and more. She has a M.A. in Communication from Regent University and serves as associate producer for Soul Check TV.
Related Resource: Spiritual Leadership or Spiritual Abuse in Marriage? 6 Signs to Know the Difference
In this episode, I'm discussing six signs of spiritual abuse in marriage and how to recognize the difference between biblical spiritual leadership and toxic leadership. I explain why healthy leadership invites collaboration, tolerates disagreement, and never uses Scripture, submission, or God to control a spouse. For more helpful resources on marriage, be sure to follow The Rebuilding Us Podcast on Apple or Spotify so you never miss an episode!
Originally published Friday, 11 September 2026.
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