It's been a year and a half since I left teaching to write full-time. According to Google, that's 18 months and 2 weeks. Talk about quite a stretch of time.
Over the past few months, I've worked harder than I thought possible. I've always known that I love to write, but getting to speak, podcast, travel, and discuss faith and mental health is what I've imagined for decades. It's beautiful, fulfilling, and messy. It has highs and lows. It's everything I'm called to do. And yet, I often find myself searching for something more. Not in the world around me, but something within me. I would like to know if you can relate to this.
Sometimes, those of us who serve the Lord the most often feel spiritually empty inside. And if we love God, then why do we feel so distant from Him? I don't know the answer for you, but for myself, I know it's because I've often replaced my actions for Jesus with my close, intimate, and personal relationship with Him. I haven't meant to, but before I know it, I've slipped into this dark space. This isn't a confession of condemnation or guilt, but rather an acknowledgment and redirection.
How Doing for God Can Replace Being with God
If you've found yourself in this place, I want you to know that you're not alone. The subtle shift from relationship to responsibility happens to the best of us, even when we have good intentions in mind. But when faith becomes a checklist instead of a connection, we need to hit pause and re-evaluate. How can you know if you've fallen into this place? Here are some signs you might be replacing doing good for being with God:
1. Guilt-driven prayer: Instead of praying because you want to talk to God, you feel an immense pressure and responsibility to do so. You fear that if you forget or slack off, God will be mad at you and you will be called a fake Christian.
2. Monotonous prayer: Instead of praying because you delight in the Lord, you pray because you know it's what you're supposed to do. You repeat the exact words without a thought, and try to get through the routine as quickly as you can. It's more about routine than your heart. This happens to me frequently, especially when I'm not careful or intentional with my prayers.
3. Measuring faith by productivity: While faith includes good works, it's wrong to measure our faith by what we do. If we could save ourselves by what we do, Jesus would've never needed to come. But that's not the case or the truth. Being productive for the kingdom of God is good. And yet, God doesn't ask us to overwork ourselves. Psalm 127:2 says it this way: "In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat—for he grants sleep to those he loves" (NIV). We don't need to feel anxious about "doing enough," because we're saved by grace through faith.
Why This Happens (Especially for High-Capacity, Faithful People)
Despite our best efforts and intentions, as humans, we tend to prioritize our productivity over our relationship with God because there is immense pressure to be "useful" in Christian spaces. When we feel this way, especially encouraged by hustle culture, we forsake truth for a lie.
Before we know it, high-capacity, faithful people are guilt-ridden with shame, trauma, anxiety, and people-pleasing. And the worst part? Those habits are masked as obedience. But friends, this isn't about laziness; it's about misalignment. How do I know this? Just look at what Scripture actually says about a relationship versus performance.
In Luke 10:38-42, we see Mary and Martha. Martha is upset that Mary won't help her finish cleaning and preparing the house for Jesus' arrival, but Mary chose presence over productivity. Both are important, but priorities matter:
"Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her" (Luke 10:41-42, NIV).
In John 15, Jesus tells us to abide before we bear fruit. We must learn to be in His presence before we believe that good fruit will come from us. Because remember, we can bear nothing if we don't remain connected to the vine.
"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me" (John 15:1-4, NIV).
Friends, God's desire is for you, not your output. Let that sink in for a moment. He wants you. That's why He died on the cross for our sins. Not because of what we would ever do for Him, but what He does for us. How much He loves us. How much He loves the people who chose to follow Him (and those who still don't). Because intimacy comes before impact, and if it doesn't, we will continue to feel empty and lacking inside.
The Emotional Cost of Performing Faith
Over time, the emotional cost of performing faith leads to burnout, resentment, and spiritual numbness. This is because it hinges on what we do, rather than to whom we belong. When faith feels heavy instead of grounding, my encouragement is to pause and take a step back. Over-functioning spiritually can disconnect us emotionally from God, and that's something we need to address sooner rather than later.
Instead of seeing "spiritual disciplines" as an obligation, begin by re-centering your habits on relationship. God wants you to obey Him so you can connect with Him. For example, here are some low-pressure intimacy ways you can talk with God:
* Pray honest, unpolished prayers.
* Sit in silence and wait for Him to speak.
* Name your emotions without trying to fix them.
* Permit yourself to rest without guilt.
* Go on a walk and talk to Him about your day.
* Begin every morning with 5 minutes of deep breathing and ask the Lord what He has in store for you today.
As you continue to grow in your faith, there may be seasons where you're tempted to exchange what you do for who you are. Fight it by using these tips and asking yourself these questions:
• Am I afraid of who I am without spiritual productivity?
• Do I believe God enjoys me, or uses me?
• Where did I learn that closeness with God must be earned?
Prayer
Dear Jesus, help me to come back to you and prioritize my relationship with you over what I do for you and your kingdom. Please help me remember that you aren't asking me to do more, but to inch closer to you and your plans for me. I know that I don't have to quit serving, but I want you to know that I don't want to disappear into what I do. Please help me to prioritize my relationship with you and realize that my intimacy with you isn't something to prove, but rather something I receive. You never asked me to be impressive or work myself to death, Lord; you asked me to be present. So here I am, Lord. Arms wide open. Give me hope today. In Jesus' Name we Pray, Amen.
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