Like many people, Autumn used to be my favorite season. I loved everything about it: the cooler temperatures, the colorful leaves, and the overall changing of the seasons. As a kid, my siblings and I would jump into the leaves that my mom and dad would rake, and we would play all day until the sun went down. Autumn was a season of family, love, and life.
However, once I was eighteen, I didn't feel much favor toward Autumn. Autumn was the season that took my mom, and I have never been able to view life the same again. Along with the passing of my mother, my love for Autumn has also passed. I can still appreciate the beauty of God’s creation, but I can never see Autumn or life the same anymore. Despite the leaves changing and the vibrant colors, everything feels bleak.
Autumn feels like death to me now. It was once a season of much joy and has become a season of death. Maybe you also have faced this pain because your loved one passed away in the Autumn too. Or maybe your loved one passed in Spring, Summer, or Winter. Any of these seasons could equally bring up feelings of pain and sorrow for you, depending on when your loved one passed away.
Something I have had to realize in the aftermath of my mom’s passing is that Autumn will never be the same for me, and that is okay. Maybe Spring, Summer, or Winter won't be the same for you, which is okay too. We don't have to pretend we are okay when we are not. It is okay not to be okay and to reach out for support when needed.
The gloominess we feel doesn't need to be pushed away. Allow yourself to feel your feelings and to sit in them. Part of growing in life is getting comfortable with the uncomfortable, which means being okay with sorrow, pain, grief, and loss. Grief is no stranger to my life, and I also don't see it as an enemy anymore. Grief is part of me, and it has molded me into who I am today.
Yes, grief and gloominess can cause us to sink deeper into our pain; however, some days this might be just what we need. Looking over photographs of our loved ones who have passed away, visiting their grave, or listening to their favorite songs are just a few ways to help ourselves navigate this difficult season of life. It is okay to feel the weight of death around us, and it is okay to feel glum.
We need to resist the urge to try to “fix” all of our emotions because there is nothing to fix. Jesus understood deep sorrow and pain as He wept after Lazarus died (John 11:35). The pain we are experiencing, the Lord has experienced too. Rather than trying to bandage up your wounds quickly, allow them to sit for a while. Feel your pain and don't fight the tears.
Crying can help you feel better and see the world in a new light. It won't be as bright as before, but it will be a new perspective. It could consist of seeing each day as a gift, obtaining the motivation to live life to the fullest, or the desire to spend more time with the loved ones still in your life. These are just a few ways death has changed my perspective on life. Although we may think we can learn nothing from the season that took so much from us, we might know that the opposite is true.
Life will keep moving after our loved one has passed away, regardless of the season. The first Winter after my mom passed felt just as sorrowful as the Autumn had been before. If I'm being honest, none of the seasons will ever feel the same without my mom, nor will any part of life. I miss my mom terribly, yet I have had to come to terms with the fact that I have to live the rest of my life without her.
The leaves will change yearly, and Autumn will eventually turn into Winter. My mom won't magically show up in her car for Christmas, nor will she be waiting at home when I return from work. As much as I want to run to her when I've had a bad day, I can't. And maybe you can't either because your loved one has been gone for many seasons, holidays, and memorable milestones.
Life will continue to change as it always has, and we have to become strong. However, this will not happen overnight. We need our periods of grief and sorrow before we can stand strong again. God will help us arise from the pain and remind us that death is only temporary. One day, all pain, tears, and death will be eradicated (Revelation 21:4). May we all praise the good Lord for this promise.
All of us will face our own seasons of death, and we have to carry this weight with us. Some of us will face seasons of death earlier than others; however, we have to know that it was never God’s will for our loved ones to die. God wanted all people to live forever, yet the fall of mankind prevented this from happening (Genesis 3).
Jesus can heal us because He loves us. The Bible tells us, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” (Psalm 147:3). The Lord loves us, and He will help us navigate the Autumn season. This season may always bring pain into our lives, but we can also see how much it has helped us grow.
Thankfully, the Lord can even use the worst situations to work out for our own good. Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Even if we may not see it right now, trust God to bring meaning, purpose, and hope back into your life.
Autumn is no longer my favorite season; however, no season is my favorite anymore. Each season contains pain for me in different ways, and God has been healing me piece by piece despite these wounds. He could be healing you as well. I've noticed God’s subtle hand of grace in my life as I have been navigating this Autumn, and I trust that He will place grace upon your heart, too.
The healing the Lord brings us during sorrow, heartbreak, and struggle can truly change our lives. Autumn has changed my life in many ways, and so has the Lord. In some ways, the Lord has used Autumn to teach me lessons and grow in His Word. Autumn will forever be the season that took away my mom, but it will also be the season I remember from my childhood: a season of family, love, and life.
Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Olga Rolenko