Relationships are hard. As humans, we are sometimes embroiled in conflict. It may be difficult to navigate relationships, but Scripture offers a powerful way to handle conflict. In addition to Matthew 18:13-16, Romans 12:18 tells us to be peacemakers in people's lives. Romans 12:18 reads: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” If you are stuck in a relationship marked by conflict and don't know what to do, Romans 12:18 is an excellent way not only to resolve that conflict but also to be a peacemaker in a world rife with conflict.
Because we live in a media-advanced age, people scroll through their social media feeds and feel free to comment on whatever is on their minds. This easily breeds dissension and strife as people get into heated debates over cultural topics plaguing us today. But there are ways to live out Romans 12:18 in our lives. By taking practical steps to resolve conflict, you can live out Romans 12:18. This will help us to not only resolve conflict when necessary but also be peacemakers where appropriate. Here are some ways to live out Romans 12:18:
Own Your Part
The most important thing you can do when resolving conflict and striving to be a peacemaker is to search your own heart. Discover how you may be at fault. Even if you are right in this situation, you may not have delivered that information with the gentleness and respect that is owed to the other person. For this alone, you need to apologize.
If you are in a strained relationship, be the person who reaches out to someone and takes responsibility for your part. Even if you feel you are owed an apology, apologize for the way he delivered the information. Let them know that your intention was not to hurt them, but to communicate your feelings in that situation.
It takes two to be in conflict. What part do you have to own in this situation? The quickest way to continue the conflict and even damage several relationships is to shift the blame to the other person and pretend it's their fault alone. Do what you can to take ownership and start the conversation with an apology.
Use I Statements
Even if the person in conflict doesn't receive your information well, it is appropriate to use I statements. Every person in the relationship should be allowed to express themselves clearly and consistently. This means identifying emotions that may be associated with the conflict. For example, if the person has said something harsh to you, identify the anger, fear, or sadness surrounding your feelings regarding the issue. Don't finger-point and say, “You made me feel…” or “You made me do this.” That type of language only accelerates emotions and exacerbates an already difficult situation.
Instead, tell them, “I felt ____________ when you said______.” This allows you to pinpoint the issue directly, identify your own emotions, and let the other person know where they may be at fault. Sometimes people don't always know where they are at fault. It takes a strong person like yourself to recognize that for them, so they can continue the relationship healthily.
Work on a Solution
Many people talk things out, but they never reach a real solution—effective conflict resolution yields action steps for each party to take moving forward. For example, if a person irritates you by engaging in a particular behavior, develop some action steps to address it. If you want them to do chores regularly, work out a schedule so they do their part while you do yours.
Designate times or days for these chores to be completed. This way, it honors both parties and their schedules. If, for some reason, the person can't complete their tasks on time as you both agreed, come back and resolve the situation. Identify the parts that aren't working and rework them to achieve an alternative solution.
Just because you found one solution does not mean you can't renegotiate later. Sometimes, variables like a change in schedule or additional responsibilities leave you without time to complete your housework. The best situation for a peacemaker is not to ignore it, but to sit down and have another talk. Reiterate that the importance of housework must be done, but it's clear that the schedule that has been established is not working. Rework the situation until you can determine the best way to achieve the desired outcome for both parties.
When you choose to include people in these situations, they can not only feel heard and seen but also valued. Additionally, by working out a solution that works best for them, you're not only getting what you want, but they're also not making any excuses that would hinder them from completing the work as assigned.
Talk Privately
It is essential that if you have a grudge or issue with someone, you don't take the easy way out and triangulate others into your situation. The most common thing people do is talk about someone rather than to someone. They often go to their friends and vent about the problem and how they feel hurt, betrayed, etc. They never talk to the person they have a grudge with directly, and the situation is never resolved. This robs both parties of having a peaceful, healthy relationship.
Gossip and slander never get you your desired outcome. Avoid gossiping to others. Even if it may feel good in the short term, it harms relationships in the long term. Matthew 18 is clear: if someone has offended you, go to them directly and express it. You must confront them privately the first time.
This not only allows them to hear from you about the problem but also spares them any shame or guilt associated with the behavior. By loving someone, it is essential not to bring two people with you unless the person is clearly in denial about their problem in this situation.
If, however, the person is not willing to listen, then take two other people who know about the situation and are not biased against that person through their behavior. Allow one of those people to act as a mediator between the two parties. Allow each person to speak frankly and honestly about the situation. Then, allow the other person to speak.
Both people should listen to each other without interruption or explanation of the problem. At the end, allow someone to mediate a reasonable solution between the two parties. This is a great way to make peace between the two people while also allowing each person to be heard and to work out a solution that will get them their desired outcome.
Everywhere we turn, chaos abounds. From the moment we turn on the news to the moment we shut off our social media feeds, we are bombarded with conflict, strife, and chaos. God, who is a peacemaker, asked us to be peacemakers. By utilizing the peace-making statement outlined in Romans 12:18, both parties can be peacemakers in a tumultuous world.
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