When I started my own fast and began to make space for Him with a clear head, my spiritual life transformed. The ability to pray with a sober mind, to take time to meditate on His Word, and to surrender my disordered drinking to Him brought us closer than ever.
The following chapter is the introduction to Love Life Sober, A 40-Day Alcohol Fast to Rediscover Your Joy, Improve Your Health and Renew Your Mind by Christy Osborne.
March 9, 2020. I wake up with a headache, par for the course over the last two years. I reach over and grab my phone to check the time while keeping one eye closed. I still have on yesterday’s makeup. It isn’t even the makeup from the night before; it’s makeup from lunch at a little Italian restaurant in Clapham, where we celebrated my children turning eight and ten with close friends.
I take a second to rate the category of my hangover. Darn. It’s a bad one. I immediately try to think of what I must do today and when I can lie down again. It’s a Monday morning. I’m used to this predicament because I face it routinely: Mondays mean I have to get the children to school. But I can come home and nap after that—all alone, in an empty house. I can nurse my hangover in peace.
I pick up my phone and see a text from my cousin Katie in Los Angeles: “Missing our beloved Terry. I love you. [Heart emoji]” My heart sinks into my stomach, and I feel like I might vomit. Terry—my mom. Today marks the second anniversary of her death.
My cousin’s message isn’t the only one that has popped up, but I don’t feel like responding to even my closest friends’ condolences. They don’t understand how I’m feeling. How could they? They all have their moms still. The loneliness overwhelms me. I put my phone back on my nightstand and roll over, hoping my husband, Chris, will volunteer to take the children to school this morning.
I spend most of the day in bed, wallowing in grief. I scroll through social media and try to distract myself with Netflix, but mainly I just feel sorry for myself. The hangover is real, my stomach is churning, and my only aim is to just get through this awful day. I purposely ignore anyone calling to check on me, and when flowers arrive from Chris in the afternoon, I want to roll my eyes. The beautiful pink and red bouquet from my favorite florist in Chelsea won’t bring back my mom, so what’s the point?
Two. Years.
What had I done in the past two years? Absolutely nothing. It felt like I just had been drinking—drinking, drinking, drinking.
I look back on my Instagram posts from the last two years. How did I look so happy when I was so sad and broken? There are photos of my trips to Ibiza, Saint-Tropez, and Paris. Skiing in the Italian Alps. A photo of me at brunch with Posh Spice herself; I have a big smile on my face. How?
I eventually scroll back to posts from 2018, right after my mom died—the royal wedding. Sky News, the UK-based news network, needed a peppy American to cover the wedding who could represent the excitement people felt in the USA. I watch my interviews from that time. I should’ve been given an Emmy for appearing that happy on screen when I was so miserable inside. There were so many days like this when I didn’t want to get out of bed.
There are comments on the post that say things like, “Your mom would be so proud.”
As we all know, Instagram is zero reflection of reality. So, what had my life really looked like in the past two years? It looked like waking up with a headache, planning what I had to do to get through the day, hoping there was a lunch in my calendar so there was an excuse to have a glass (or three) of cold white wine at noon and, if there wasn’t a lunch, trying to get to the afternoon as quickly as possible so I could open up a bottle of wine when the homework books came out after school.
Everything looked so glossy and pretty on the surface. But it just wasn’t. When the afternoon wine bottle popped open, I felt relief. I could go fuzzy again. I didn’t have to handle all the painful stuff. I didn’t have to think about the fact that I wasn’t being a great mom. I didn’t have to think about my collapsing marriage to Chris. I didn’t have to think about how I didn’t have a mom anymore, that my children no longer had their “Grammie.” The wine became a total and complete escape for two years.
Two. Years.
I wonder where I will be in another two years if I keep drinking like this? My mind pings back and forth between Oh, come on, I’m fine. Not one person has called me out on my drinking, and this has to stop.
Then, in an attempt to shut up the internal battle in my head, I quite literally shout to God, “Jesus, I can’t do this anymore!”
I certainly don’t want to look or feel like this anymore. I don’t want to spend every March 9 for the rest of my life nursing a hangover and hiding in my dark bedroom. I need this day to mean something else. And so, on March 9, 2020, in honor of my mom, I decide to try to be better for my little family—to take a break from alcohol.
. . .
In the following days and months, I struggled to remain alcohol-free. I battled cravings and felt terrified to tell friends what I was doing. I didn’t have one friend who didn’t drink. I worried my social life would suffer. I had no idea how to navigate life without alcohol. I felt scared and alone.
I kept returning to 2 Corinthians 12:9, which says, “ ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”
God’s power was made evident to me in my weakness around alcohol. He would take this struggle of mine and turn it into something I could never have imagined. Verse 10 says, “That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses. . . . For when I am weak, then I am strong.” When I finally surrendered to God, I felt more powerful than ever before because of His work in me. I knew I had a story and a message to share with other women struggling with alcohol.
Throughout my drinking days, I constantly prayed to Jesus, asking for His help. I now know He was with me during my darkest days and had a significant plan for me. He heard my prayers, and I felt His presence. The year I let go of alcohol, I researched everything I could about alcohol use disorder and addiction while also growing closer to Jesus than I had ever been.
Finally, I felt God call me to be vocal about my sobriety journey, and so I did just that. I started documenting my day-to-day learning on my Instagram during COVID lockdowns. It was scary to be that open and vulnerable, but the response I got was overwhelming. So many friends, old and new, reached out and asked how I had found freedom from alcohol. I tried to help in any way I could and recommended books, podcasts, and resources that had helped me.
I felt God nudging me to explore more ways to help others, so at the end of 2020 I enrolled in my first life coaching certification program with a focus on sobriety. I’ve since become certified in multiple programs and have been blessed with a flourishing private coaching practice where I’m blessed to support women around the world.
Coaching is all about listening and allowing another person the space to discuss their struggles. As I listened and asked thoughtful questions over the past few years, I heard from ladies who had also lost their faith or felt far from Jesus due to their drinking. I longed to create a resource that combined practical coaching based on neuroscience with biblical support and encouragement. God has blessed me with making that dream a reality through this book.
I am excited to spend the next forty days with you on this alcohol fast that is packed with grace, compassion, and a sprinkle of science. I know taking a break from alcohol is hard, and it can seem overwhelming. I’ve been right where you are. But the fantastic news I have for you is that Jesus is with you right now and will show up for you, just like He did for me.
If you stick with this alcohol fast for the next forty days, you may experience some incredible benefits, including better sleep, brighter skin, improved hydration, and reduced brain fog. Damage to your stomach lining will repair itself. You may also decrease your cancer risk, reduce your resting heart rate, lower your cholesterol, and improve your blood pressure. You will give a healthy boost to your liver and gut health. You will save tons of time, money, and energy.
My hope is that you will also feel closer to Jesus. Being stuck in the drinking cycle put a barrier between me and God. When I started my own fast and began to make space for Him with a clear head, my spiritual life transformed. The ability to pray with a sober mind, to take time to meditate on His Word, and to surrender my disordered drinking to Him brought us closer than ever.
God made us all so different, but if you’re anything like me, after forty days of not drinking, you will feel better than you’ve felt in year,s and your relationship with Jesus will take on a whole new meaning. I’m so excited for you.
Ready to get curious about the role alcohol plays in your life? Step into the invitation with the But Jesus Drank Wine podcast’s powerful six-week series based on Love Life Sober: A 40-Day Alcohol Fast to Rediscover Your Joy, Improve Your Health, and Renew Your Mind. This podcast series lays the foundation for a Spirit-led, grace-filled approach to changing your relationship with alcohol. Each episode invites believers to reframe their beliefs through the lens of faith, neuroscience, and identity in Christ. Subscribe and tune in every Monday—and discover what’s possible when you surrender the glass and grab hold of grace. Listen to But Jesus Drank Wine on LifeAudio.com, or subscribe on Apple or Spotify so you never miss an episode!
Love Life Sober, A 40-Day Alcohol Fast to Rediscover Your Joy, Improve Your Health and Renew Your Mind is available on Amazon and all major book retailers.
Photo Credit: ©Unsplash/Vinicius "amnx" Amano
