Similar to many women, I struggle with not feeling good enough. After working through these issues with a therapist, I found that it was beneficial to find the root of this idea. Nobody is born thinking they are not good enough. Rather, this idea is learned and taught through actions. As much as our parents might try, sometimes they are the stumbling block to how our self-image starts falling apart.
Most kids are confident in themselves. However, as we get older, we become less sure of ourselves. It doesn’t help when family members and friends say negative things about us. I was the youngest of three, and despite what is often taught through social media, just because you were the family's baby does not mean you were the favorite, nor does it mean you are spoiled. I’m sure this is true for many families, but one cannot be dogmatic to say that every youngest member of the family is spoiled, gets everything they want, and is adored by their parents.
This was not the case for me, and will never be. As the youngest, I had hand-me-downs, and there was nothing I could do that my sisters hadn’t always done before me. Due to being the third and final child, my parents weren’t excited or impressed when I took my first steps, said my first words, or went to my first day of kindergarten. I was an old hat to them as they had already seen these things happen twice.
As much as I would have enjoyed the excitement of these first significant steps of life, I understand that my mom was overworked, busy, and preoccupied with financial matters. My dad had his own interests and was often training for marathons and working on writing his books. As an adult, I can see that these things were important to my parents, but it also shows me that I wasn’t as important to them as these things were. Does it hurt? Of course it does, but part of moving on is accepting the pain even when it hurts.
As a teenager, I started feeling not good enough with every breath I took. I developed anorexia nervosa, depression, and generalized anxiety disorder by the age of thirteen. As you could imagine, I wasn’t doing well then, and every day was a struggle. What my older sisters could do seemed so effortless. They were excellent at playing instruments, drawing, and writing. In contrast, I couldn't even play a single chord on the guitar, draw anything that looked more professional than a cartoon character, or write something with a plot line.
I tried—I really did, but it was never good enough. I was often compared to my sisters, making me feel that I wasn’t good at anything. In addition to this, my mom’s temper would flare at me because of my ever-present eating disorder. I don’t blame my mom for her frustration or her anger at me, but it is not the best route to go when you have an emotional child. And that is what I was seen as throughout my adolescence—a girl with too many emotions.
Although I was taught from a young age that my intense emotions were weaknesses, I now see them as strengths. I’m an empathic person because of my emotions, and they have been able to help me connect with others. Many people have said they feel comfortable and safe with me and that I’m approachable. While these individuals might not think much of these words, they truly bless me. As someone who just wanted to feel comfortable and safe, I am honored to be able to extend these same positive feelings to others.
When you don’t feel good enough, it is essential to take time to grieve. While we should never treat negative feelings as facts, it is vital to feel them and grieve. Grieving isn’t only for when someone passes away. You can also grieve after the death of a dream, the ending of a relationship, or when you are not feeling good enough. As mentioned, the mindset that comes with not feeling good enough is a learned behavior—we are not born thinking we are not good enough.
Grieve the childhood you didn’t have, the relationship with your parents you didn’t have, or the relationship that made you feel as though you were inadequate. Don’t allow anyone to make you feel bad for grieving. It is a necessary part of healing and growth. When you grieve, you will open yourself up to moving forward with your life.
Crying is not weak. Take time to grieve, cry, and feel your emotions. Allow them to pass or come in waves. It is okay if the grieving period takes longer than you had initially thought. Grief does not have a timeline. Show extra care, forgiveness, and grace to yourself during this season of life and know that healing is possible. In fact, you have already started the healing process by grieving.
If you also struggle with not feeling good enough, know you are enough just as you are. The Bible tells us, “and in Christ you have been brought to fullness. He is the head over every power and authority” (Colossians 2:10). As the Apostle Paul says in this passage, we have been given fullness in Christ. This means we are not lacking anything. Know that you are enough in Christ, no matter what others have said about you or what you have thought about yourself.
Knowing that I’m enough in Christ was paramount in helping me to see that I am enough just as I am. I’m not someone who is a failure or a disappointment. Instead, I am a beloved child of God, and so are you. While self-help books might try to sell different ideas to us, we know that we are good enough because of Christ. Nothing else will help us as much as it does to see that we are enough in Christ.
Once you learn that you are enough in Christ, your entire world will change. You will still have days where you struggle, but you will be able to redirect your thoughts because of Jesus. The Holy Spirit will bring your mind to focus on Him, the Father, and Jesus. Rather than listening to the world or to others, listen to what God says. He says you are enough as you are, and He loves you.
Cherish
these truths and reflect on them when you feel bad enough. Remember that feelings are not always facts. Rely on what you know—God loves you and you are complete in Him. Don’t turn aside to the lies of the world or the enemy. Focus all of your attention on God. He will never disappoint you and constantly remind you that you are worthy of every good thing.
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