Lately, I have been seeing a significant emphasis on birth order on social media as well as in personal conversations with friends and acquaintances. The common standpoint they come to is that the oldest sibling has it the hardest. While I can understand the sentiment, and for some families, this might be true, we don't need to be dogmatic when making these statements.
Research studies often find that the oldest siblings are the favorites of their parents. Moreover, parents typically invest more time into their firstborn, which usually makes them feel more loved, valued, and confident later in life. Children who are second-born, third-born, and so on typically do not receive this kind of care because the novelty of parenthood has worn off. This is why we must be cautious in saying that the oldest siblings always have it harder, because it could be that the younger siblings are the ones who have to carry the more challenging aspects of life.
If we examine the Bible, we don't see God favoring firstborns; however, we do see various Biblical characters playing favorites, such as Isaac and Rebekah (Genesis 25:28). Isaac favored Esau, and Rebekah favored Jacob. As we see through their story, nothing good comes from favoring one child over the other. The same is true for Jacob, as he favored Joseph and Benjamin (Genesis 37:3-35). He gifted Joseph with the coat of many colors, which made his brothers resent him.
This is something all parents need to know: favoritism never yields the desired result. The kids who are not the favorite will feel horrible about themselves. This will result in various forms of self-hate and possibly self-harm. Choose to love all your children equally, just as God does (Romans 2:11).
1.The Reasoning Behind Birth Orders Is Not Always True
For some families, the middle child or youngest child might feel a heavy responsibility to care for their siblings. The eldest sibling may be naturally easygoing and feel more at ease. At the end of the day, each sibling will have their own unique personality. God made us this way. Some siblings will be more relaxed, while others will feel they need to take on more responsibility.
Adult siblings are often the first ones to make mistakes. After all, older and younger siblings will have more chances to learn from their mistakes.
The oldest sibling is often the first to drive a car, but they could also be the first to be involved in a wreck. The oldest sibling is the first to start dating, but also the first to get their heart broken. The oldest sibling is the first to start college, but also the first to leave home. However, second, third, and fourth siblings can also experience these things, and their experiences are unique to them.
Yes, many adult siblings will feel a heavier weight upon them; however, it can also be the opposite. Examine your own unique sibling dynamic and determine where you fit. It is beneficial to be aware of our own tendencies, but we should never place undue emphasis on birth order. Birth order is simply the order we are born into the world—it is not a predetermined destiny.
2. Every Family is Different
One cannot say that older siblings definitely have it more complex than their younger siblings because it is not true for every family. You must examine each family individually and assess their situation. Perhaps in your own life, you have also seen this to be true. Or you are the oldest, and you do feel like you have to carry the weight of everyone else.
It is essential to recognize that every family is unique. Like what we learn in school, we cannot make dogmatic statements before actually knowing the truth. While some eldest siblings may struggle with too much responsibility, it is not true for every eldest sibling. Not to mention, this also downplays the other siblings and implies that they never struggle with anything. In all honesty, siblings of any age or any order can struggle with the family dynamic and birth order.
For example, a common saying I heard growing up was that the youngest sibling is always spoiled. This has never been true for my life. My parents never treated me more special for being the “baby” of the family. My mom still expected the same out of me. Moreover, I was not spoiled, but rather gifted with hand-me-downs from my older siblings. I really liked a lot of their clothes.
Before someone makes the statement that one sibling has it more complex than the others, they need to assess matters for themselves and recognize that just because it is true for their life does not mean it is true for everyone. In the same way, these individuals are not taking the time to see the struggles of their own siblings, but rather are hyper-fixated on their own struggles. Learning to see things from other people's perspectives is ideal, as it helps all individuals develop empathy for others and view things from a different point of view.
3.It is Just Another Way to Define Yourself
If we are to be honest with ourselves, we must stop trying to define ourselves by anything except Christ. Our identity is found in Him, not in our birth order or anything else. Colossians 2:9-10 says, “For in Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form, and in Christ you have been brought to fullness. He is the head over every power and authority.”
Sadly, even Christ followers fall into the trap of trying to find their identity in things other than Christ. This is often seen in the Enneagram, which is usually false and contains mythicism.
Astrology is also something people try to find their identity in, yet it is also false and a pagan practice. Like birth order, my family placed a significant emphasis on astrology when I was growing up. This caused nothing but problems for my family and me, and there came a point in my life when many family members said they could not have a good relationship with other family members due to their astrological signs. Additionally, any negative traits of the astrological sign were held against you, and your emotions were dismissed because of your zodiac sign.
Trying to define ourselves by our birth order is the same thing. It is clinging to a false sense of identity that is not genuine. Rather than trying to define ourselves by the things of this world, we need to rest in the truth that Christ already defines us. If we ever find that this identity is not enough for us, then we need to search our hearts and find the root of our heart issue, weed it out, and return to Christ.
As Christ followers, we need to stop trying to seek out identity in the things of this world. In all truth, Jesus is the greatest identity of all. We need to avoid defining ourselves by anything or anyone else. Jesus is our home, our fortress, and our Savior (Luke 2:11; Psalm 18:2).
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