As a pastor's wife for over twenty-five years, I've seen conflict in every church I've been part of. There's never been a time when my husband and I haven't needed to navigate conflict. In some cases, the conflict was resolved, and reconciliation was achieved. However, there were a few situations where reconciliation was not possible.
Matthew 18 is a great example of how to deal with conflict effectively. If someone has a conflict with someone else, they should go to that person and point it out. If the person doesn't listen, the offended person must take two or three people with them to confront the offender again. If the offender still won't listen, they could bring it to the local leader to present it to the church. Throughout the gospels, conflict is inevitable, but that is not the Lord's heart. The Lord desires for all his children to be in unity.
But conflict is inevitable. As humans, it's easy for us to get embroiled in conflict, especially when we’re around people. Because each person has their own opinions and ideas about how things should be run or how things should happen, it's easy for those opinions to turn into an argument. While arguments are inevitable, conflict can be resolved effectively if done properly and with a focus on seeking the Lord's heart.
What does a person do if they find themselves in a conflict? Here are five ways to manage conflict effectively:
Go to the Person Directly
In many conflict situations I’ve been in over the past twenty-five years, I have found that most people don't come to me directly. Instead, they gossip and spread dissension by telling others about their hurt feelings. This not only fails to resolve the conflict but also damages my reputation by spoiling others' perceptions of me. If you have a conflict with someone, you owe it to them to go to them directly and address it. Let them know how they have hurt you in a way that honors God and yourself. Use I-statements and let them know how their actions have hurt you.
While Matthew 18 encourages us to go to someone directly, it is not an opportunity to shame or accuse another person. Instead, we can tell someone how we experience a situation using- I-statements. For example, “when you said that it hurt my feelings,” is an appropriate response to conflict. It is not appropriate to say, “What is wrong with you? You are meant for hurting me.”
Seeking vengeance on someone by retaliating against their accusations with your own makes you no better than the other person. By going to them and expressing how you feel using I-statements, you can not only talk about the conflict and raise awareness of the issue, but also be heard.
In some cases, the conflict will not be resolved if the person does not feel they need to apologize or feel that they were wrong in the situation. The main objective in managing conflict is not always to resolve it or achieve reconciliation. Rather, it is for both parties to be heard. Both parties need to validate their feelings regarding the situation.
Sometimes being heard is a great way for someone to heal and usher in forgiveness. Even if someone does not ask for forgiveness or apologize, it is still our duty as Christians to forgive them. As God has forgiven us, we must also extend the same forgiveness to others, regardless of whether they are sorry.
Identify the Root Issue
Often, the conflict being discussed is not the real issue. Sometimes people have unresolved issues from the past. Without their knowledge, they sometimes project those feelings of hurt and anger onto you. It is important to identify the root cause of the conflict. If you are to blame for the conflict, it is important to take responsibility and apologize.
However, if you are not to blame and it is merely a residual effect of something that happened to them in the past, resolving the conflict is an important way to highlight the underlying issue and help them identify it. This way, they can effectively resolve the anger and hurt feelings associated with the past, so they will not transfer those feelings to someone else.
If, on the other hand, the issue being discussed is truly the only one, both parties must take responsibility for their part and apologize accordingly. Even if reconciliation cannot be achieved, it is important to at least take responsibility, offer forgiveness, and ask for forgiveness when appropriate. This not only gives God glory but also allows both parties to demonstrate God's presence in their lives with humility by offering (and asking for) forgiveness.
Seek a Third Party
In some cases, when the two parties cannot resolve the conflict, it is important to bring in a neutral third party. This can be a church leader, a pastor, a counselor, or someone else who you believe has wise counsel who can help mediate the situation. Sometimes, sticky situations are best handled by someone who has been in that situation before.
Because both parties have a vested interest in winning the argument and being heard, a third party with nothing to gain from the mediation process can sometimes see the situation from a different perspective.
Often, the third party can see both perspectives and empathize with the feelings surrounding the issue. When they can identify it and explain it to the other party, the other party may see their perspective with greater clarity.
You must choose a third party who will not take sides. Everyone comes in with a bias, and someone who knows one or both parties well might not be able to see the situation for what it truly is. Because they think they know the person involved, they may not be able to see their part in the blame.
Have someone who is acquainted with you, not someone who knows either party intimately. This may unintentionally introduce bias that skews the results as you navigate conflict together. If the pastor is unavailable, seek help from a professional counselor who doesn't know either party. Counselors can share techniques and strategies you can use in the future. This not only sets you up for effective conflict resolution now, but also for future interactions with others.
If no leader is available, or you choose not to enlist their help, find a wise friend who can remain neutral. They can offer advice and perspectives that no one else can. Whomever you choose, heed their advice and do the work to achieve unity, and if possible, reconciliation.
Conflict is difficult regardless of the issue. In some cases where the issue is trivial, conflict can be resolved easily. In other situations, when someone repeatedly hurts the other party or is unrepentant and shows no remorse, it may be more difficult to navigate the conflict. It can also be more difficult to navigate the feelings associated with the conflict. Using a third party, talking to the person directly, and using I-statements to express feelings is a formula for effective conflict resolution, not only now but also in future relationships.
Photo credit: GettyImages/tommaso79
