If we're honest, most of us chase God-things more often than we'd like to admit. We chase God-things while missing God.
I have a confession to make. I've been running from God. Not intentionally, but it happens even to the best of us.
Somewhere between teaching full-time and transitioning into writing full-time, I've "busied" my schedule. I've filled sacred gaps with more "to-dos". I've chased a million dreams and callings, attempting to fulfill God's purpose for me. And yet, I've forgotten that that pressure isn't on me. It's God who will carry out those plans to completion (Psalm 138:8).
God told me to rest, but I acted like it was the eleventh plague. God told me to trust that He would provide in this new season, but instead, I looked for jobs and polished my resume. God asked me to surrender it all, and I ignored the Holy Spirit's conviction. God gently nudged me to let go of my schedule, but I've clung to what I've always known. Even as I write this, I'm ashamed to admit these things. But maybe you can relate?
Running While Trying to Obey
Over the last year, I've chased dreams and forsaken others. I've believed the lie that I'm "too old" to accomplish things deep in my heart. That "I'll never make it and am far behind." Satan has convinced me that I need to try to take the reins because, surely, God is slow or running behind. I've been unhappy with myself. I've tried to be someone else. I've done more striving than sitting. More comparing than accepting. But this is where it ends.
Here's the truth: If Satan can't get into your mind, He will get into your time. What I mean by that is this: If we're always filling our time with more things, will we ever hear the voice of God? And maybe, if we're honest, that's what many of us are afraid of. We're afraid of being alone with God. We're scared to sit in stillness. We're fearful of ceasing to strive. We don't know who we are if we lay our "earn-hearts down," in exchange for the One who told us to "come to Him," even if we're "weary and heavy burdened."
This past Sunday, I prayed a bold prayer in the silence. I said: "God, maybe I'm scared to hear what's in the silence." And for the first time in forever, I stood there and sat in it. I didn't try to run. I didn't try to busy my mind. I just slowed. I let the water wash over my face as I breathed in the presence of my God.
Over the next few minutes, an old song came to mind. I smiled. I've been struggling to get back into singing for months. I've prayed and prayed for God to restore my voice after dealing with mold in our home. But there in the shower, I sang at the top of my lungs.
"All I Ever Needed" is from the movie Grace Unplugged. If you're unfamiliar, it tells the story of a girl chasing her dreams, only to realize that she doesn't need to prove herself to God. She tries and tries to fill herself with other things. She becomes famous. She gets into relationships. She runs after what she believes are her "God-given dreams." But in the process, she loses God Himself. The lyrics read this way:
"Honestly, it's time for honesty
My heart is on my sleeve
Oh, will you hear me out?
I've got nothing left to give of me
I gave up everything
So there is nothing less to loose from me now
But you forgive me somehow
I've chased a million things
Bright lights and empty dreams
Now here I am
Right where I thought I wanted to be
I'll trade it all right now
Leave it all and lay it down
To get back to where I belong
Lord all I've ever needed was your love.
Truth be told, I made this world my home
I let it steal my soul, but now I want it back
Cause all I need is waiting
In your arms, a place to hang my heart
Where I am known at last
You're the one true thing I have."
And I realized this: As much as I want to become a full-time author, it will mean nothing if I lose the One who called me to this dream in the first place. As much as I have ambitions and goals and desires to dance more, grow my podcast, and host events, they will mean utterly nothing if my mind is too busy to put the Lord first.
Getting Back to Where I Belong
So, today, I'm taking time to revisit that moment of peace I felt as the Holy Spirit's presence washed over me. The stillness, the song, my voice learning to find itself again.
It wasn't just about my voice being restored, but it was what I felt within. Finding my way back to the God I'd unintentionally run from. Rekindling that intimacy with Him.
The dreams God gives us are beautiful and perfect. They are hand-crafted and designed with purpose and fulfillment in mind. They are unique to us and our gifts and talents. But they should never replace God Himself.
If we're honest, most of us chase God-things more often than we'd like to admit. We chase God-things while missing God. For years, I lived in a survival mode of teaching. I wasn't fulfilled and knew God called me to write. But now that I'm doing the thing, I realized this: I've been chasing a life I thought I wanted, but in the process, I left behind the One who gave me life in the first place. I'm no longer ashamed to admit this, because when confession meets repentance, new life is born.
An Invitation to Return
Today, I invite you to look at your life. What are you chasing? What's filling your time? Have you been running, too?
If you feel tired, burnt out, distant, or lost in your calling, maybe it's not because God isn't within you, but because you've been too busy to see Him. The beautiful thing about this recognition is that God's arms are always open. We don't have to earn our way back because He never left. But we do have to stop running.
If the stillness scares you today, I want you to know that that's okay. There's love and peace in letting go and returning—not to the job, dream, or goals God has given us, but to Him. I encourage you to sing these words—the same words Jesus placed on my heart that night I felt restored: "All to Jesus, I surrender. All to Him, I freely give. I will ever love and trust Him. In His presence, daily live. I surrender all, I surrender all. All to Thee, my blessed Savior. I surrender all."
Friends, I'm learning to renew my commitment to Jesus, and I ask you to do the same. You don't have to let go of those dreams and ambitions. He placed them in your heart for a reason. God will fulfill His purpose for you! But you do need to lay them down at His feet because those things don't come first. He does. And that's all we've ever needed.
Agape, Amber
Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Antonio_Diaz
