Week of May 3
It is easy for me to write an article about my Mom. She's awesome. Just for your information, that's the typical way to write a Mother's Day article. It's sweet, brings a tear to my Mama's eye, and it would make you all think I'm a great daughter.
What's harder to write about are my fears going into this Mother's Day.
I'm single and I turn 30 in July. And for the first time in my life, I'm scared that I won't be a good mom. I'm scared that my energy level is going down and I'm worried that all the stats that the doctors say about the pregnancy challenges in older women will be true for me.
Hilariously, I worry less about getting married than I do about having babies. For the first time, my heart races at the idea that I won't ever be someone's mama.
And this year, the same Mother's Day that has my mind spinning with worry, my own mother suffers through her own pain.
I lost my grandmother in August. So this is the first year that she hasn't been around for Mother's Day. I'm worried about how to love my mom well through this loss. I'm not good at taking care of her; she's the one who takes care of me. So how do I step into this with her and walk that road?
I can think of many people who have deeper and more profound worries this year: moms with cancer, moms who don't survive car accidents, moms who leave, moms who don't love well.
And I know all of that is real.
But I also know that my best friends are all chasing toddlers around. And while I'm grateful for my life (I really am), there's this new thing this year. It's a new sting -- a new worry - that this holiday may not be for me. Ever.
And on top of that, I have to take a break from complete selfishness and be intentional with my love for my mom.
It's gotten me thinking about what God says about my story.
It's left me wondering, what is His take on me as I try to balance selfish heartbreak with selfless love?
I don't know. I've never been here before. But I think it's about taking my mind off of what Mother's Day means to me and focusing on what Mother's Day means to my mother...her daughters, her legacy, celebrating her and loving her well, reminding her that the things we loved about my grandmother are many of the same characteristics we love in her.
So I will love my mom with a daughter's heart, and ask God what to do with this mother's heart that I feel growing within me. Mother's Day is not made for heartache, but celebration. So we will celebrate.
© 2010 by Annie Downs. All rights reserved.