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your rules for dating? - 8/12/2008 12:14:01 PM
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drussell52
Posts: 208
Joined: 4/24/2008
From: Michigan
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Hi, first time at this forum but have 2 kids who are both going to be juniors in high school. Last spring, daughter "fell in love" with a boy a year behind her in school. Interestingly, kids seem to give each other their cell phone numbers, rather than general phone number, but we have asked calls to come in on the home phone and use cell for emergency purposes. What are your rules for your kid dating, or getting together at your home? Where does entertaining occur? For us, the bedroom is totally off limits, if they go for a walk, no longer than an hour, if they come over entertain in the basement and can only stay maximum of 3 hours. Curious to know if we are common, old fashioned, from another planet or what.. How do you broach the matter of faith if your teen goes to public school and starts to date someone? Drussell
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RE: your rules for dating? - 8/12/2008 2:31:30 PM
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manda59
Posts: 6052
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: drussell52
What are your rules for your kid dating, or getting together at your home? Where does entertaining occur? For us, the bedroom is totally off limits, if they go for a walk, no longer than an hour,
You're brave - a lot can happen in an hour.
quote:
if they come over entertain in the basement and can only stay maximum of 3 hours.
With parents in the house at all times, I hope! And are you allowing them to be alone with their boyfriend/girlfriend in the basement? Or are they with the family?
quote:
Curious to know if we are common, old fashioned, from another planet or what..
Actually I think you are rather liberal compared to us!
quote:
How do you broach the matter of faith if your teen goes to public school and starts to date someone?
What do you mean by the "matter of faith"?
My children are 19 and 15 btw, so we have already been totally through this with one of ours (ds), and are in the middle of it with our other one (dd).
What we do/have done with our two is encourage them to have friendships with people of the opposite sex, but not allow "dating". I remember my ds asking me at 13 when he'd be allowed to have a girlfriend. I told him that we would prefer that he didn't have one while he was at high school (he frowned) and then I explained why: main reasons being distraction from school work, getting too emotionally involved and feeling responsible, avoiding the emotional rollercoaster especially the being "dumped", and also the physical temptation. He told me lots of his friends had girlfriends, I said to him "ok, for the next month, just watch all that happens and we will talk again". A month later he told me tales of his friends being upset and sulking, of them being manipulated and controlled by the girls, and of them ignoring their friends and just being with their girlfriends all the time. Already he could start to see our point. We also advised him against any texting with girls after about 9pm, and to be very careful about any that tried to become emotionally dependent on him even as friends. Within a year, he told me that, after a talk by his youth pastor, he'd decided not to date until he met someone he might want to marry, understanding that that was not likely to happen for a number of years as he knew that would take maturity. Now at 19, he has spent time with girls, being their friend, sometimes going out for lunch (but not dinner, as that implies a romantic liaison), and is totally comfortable around them. But he has waited, and is still waiting. He tells me he is so glad he has waited.
My dd is of a similar mind. She is happily comfortable in the company of boys, has good friends of both genders. She has seen not dating "work" for her brother, and is happy to do the same. Most of her friends are in and out of relationships and many are getting their hearts broken, doing things they shouldn't etc. She is seen as the strong one, and they come to her for help and advice.
_____________________________
"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
doinkdom, October 2008
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RE: your rules for dating? - 8/12/2008 2:50:11 PM
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isaacsmom
Posts: 1997
Joined: 12/2/2005
Status: online
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quote:
quote:
ORIGINAL: drussell52
What are your rules for your kid dating, or getting together at your home? Where does entertaining occur? For us, the bedroom is totally off limits, if they go for a walk, no longer than an hour,
You're brave - a lot can happen in an hour.
Yup.
quote:
quote:
if they come over entertain in the basement and can only stay maximum of 3 hours.
With parents in the house at all times, I hope! And are you allowing them to be alone with their boyfriend/girlfriend in the basement? Or are they with the family?
I have the same question. Even with parents in the house, being alone in the basement isn't good. Believe me.
Manda, you should be very proud of your children! (well, I'm sure you are!)  They sound pretty amazing. We plan to do the same with our children (they are still very young). My parents have encouraged my younger brothers not to "date" (they are 17 and 20) and they are very similar to your teens, Manda. I wish my experience had been the same. But alas, I was the guinea pig . . . . .  However, my husband and I did date as teens and married very young, but honestly, all were at peace and knew that we were in the Lord's will (both sets of parents, and hubby and I). So we're open to that possibility, of course, but it's SO important that proper boundaries and supervision are established.
_____________________________
<<< My littlest punkin'
*~*~*Rachel*~*~*
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Beware of posing as a profound person -- God became a baby. ~Oswald Chambers
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RE: your rules for dating? - 8/12/2008 3:09:40 PM
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revbob4God
Posts: 602
Joined: 7/25/2008
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ditto to all of the above, plus, try and refrain from saying you don't like someone because the minute you do, they usually end up sticking with them.
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For thus saith the Lord that created the heavens; God himself that formed the earth and made it; he hath established it, he created it not in vain, he formed it to be inhabited: I the Lord; and none else.
Isaiah 45:18
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RE: your rules for dating? - 8/12/2008 4:19:11 PM
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Tinkerbell_
Posts: 7761
Joined: 1/25/2008
From: NeverNeverLand
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My oldest is in middle school. He is not allowed to have any relationships with girls further than friendship and not only is this a rule but it's very heavily discussed at my house. If he has any girls over they have to be in plain sight of an adult at all times and the same rule applies if he goes to their houses.
He is allowed to text his friends knowing that I will check his phone periodically and if he deletes anything and I find out about it he loses his phone for a month (this only happened once and that was because his friend used a cuss word in a text and he thought I would get mad).
We discuss why we don't think it's proper for someone so young to date and why dating is different for me then it is for them. So far the boys are in agreement with the rules and know that it's up for discussion but not necessarily negotiation as they age.
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RE: your rules for dating? - 8/12/2008 6:42:19 PM
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drussell52
Posts: 208
Joined: 4/24/2008
From: Michigan
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Thank you everyone for your input on dating. By the issue of faith, I mean finding out if your youngster's "friend" is a believer or not. If the kids have friends over for a meal, we do pray and make that known that is our tradition and they are welcomed to join us. I am going to share this thread with my wife, and from what is here see we are more lenient but have our boundaries too. For example no one can go anywhere unless an adult is at the house to which they are going, and no one can come over, unless one of us are going to be here.
Again thanks and this subject is still opened in my book.
Drussell
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RE: your rules for dating? - 8/13/2008 1:56:44 AM
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MrsDC
Posts: 150
Joined: 8/17/2005
From: Sinaloa, Mexico
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Copy and past Manda's post here. 
We have not and will not ever permit our kids to "date" in the popular sense of the word. Our oldest is only 15, but already she's watched a few of her friends make REALLY bad choices in the matter of boys and has seen them fall into sin. Not fall...walk boldly right into it. Dd has no intention of doing that and Ds (age 14) is making similar decisions for himself.
Dd went to lunch with a girlfriend and two boys a few months ago. After they left it dawned on me that that could be considered a "date". Dh and I talked about it and realized that it had "sneaked" up on us and that we needed to be more careful about situations like those. In this instance, we didn't feel like there was any romantic intent with any of the four, so we didn't regret giving the permission -- we just had a little bit of a "wake-up". Kind of a moment when God said, "Hey! You do realize that your little girl isn't so little anymore, right?" Now we're more aware.
We let both boys and girls come over and "hang-out" pretty much any time (as long as we're home). Everyone stays in the family room or on the roof (we have a big, flat roof) or in the pool. No one is allowed in the house when parents aren't home. Our kids aren't allowed over at friends' houses if no parent is home (even if only for a short time). We don't do "spend the nights".
How do we address the matter of faith? Well, where we live, everyone knows that we are Christians. It really isn't a "faith" here as much as it is a life choice. How to explain...hmmm...in the culture in which our family lives, having chosen to dedicate our lives to Christ is, well, serious. Christianity here is not something that happens on Sunday and Wednesday night and Friday night youth groups. We are under constant scrutiny by non-believers -- watching for inconsistencies in our walks. The youth who come over come because they see something different in our family and in our home and they are hungry for it. Men come over to talk with my husband because they see his integrity and sense that they can trust him. Women stop by to ask me to pray for them, because they think my prayers are so much better than theirs. It's pretty humbling, actually. I feel pretty unworthy. So, I guess that the matter of faith just naturally "comes up" in our conversations with the people who come over. I've noticed that that happens a lot with us, even when we're in the States on furlough.
We are called to "let our lights so shine before men that they may see our good works and glorify our father in heaven", right?
-- Rebecca
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RE: your rules for dating? - 8/13/2008 12:56:53 PM
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drussell52
Posts: 208
Joined: 4/24/2008
From: Michigan
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Hi, back again.. Yes, I agree with the poser who urged be consistent so the teen-s knows the boundaries, most times we are. As I read these again, I am struck to some degree with how most of us are cautious or conservative in child rearing compared to what I observe around me. The boy my daughter is interested in, has a mom who is less guarded than I about this issue. "He's just a kid," was her comment when I called to make sure we were on the same or similar page about something. My philosophy is, yes they are just kids but they are kids growing into adulthood and need to have certain principles impressed on their growing minds such as call before you come over, show a little interest in the parent who may answer the phone when you call, other homes may run different than yours does, etc. Sleep-overs are something we are curtailing as the kids are aging. We have permitted them with same gendered friends only, but now they can learn to have fun and end the fun at a certain time, to be resumed later. When I grew up, staying over night at a friend's happened perhaps once every 3 months if at all. Blessings to each of you..
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RE: your rules for dating? - 8/13/2008 5:12:11 PM
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3tulips
Posts: 325
Joined: 2/1/2007
From: sandy shore
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Not until you are 16.
Must bring the person home to meet us first. (For our son and daughters.)
We have to know where you are going and we will tell you what time to be home.
We will be saying a pray with that person too before you leave our house.
No one comes in unless one of us are home.
These rules seem to have worked really well as our oldest just married a wonderful young man that she chose and then asked us for our opnion. He is a great fit into our family. It also helped that when they were young we prayed for their future spouses.
_____________________________
I opened up the mouth of love and found the wisdom tooth. Larry Norman 1947 - 2008
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RE: your rules for dating? - 8/13/2008 10:45:23 PM
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karlie
Posts: 16961
Joined: 4/10/2005
From: Central California
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Our daughters were not allowed to date or have romantic relationships as teens, period. We don't agree with casual dating and and since they weren't ready for marriage as teens, we didn't allow it. To us, there was simply no reason to even go there since they weren't even close to being ready for marriage at 16 or 17. It was never an issue in our house, because they grew up knowing those were the boundaries and that dating was not an option until they were adults. As adults(24 and 20 now) and one married, and the other in a serious relationship heading for marriage, they both have actually thanked us for setting those boundaries and making sure they waited until they were more mature and more emotionally ready to make the right choices.
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1 day of coal...364 days of fun. I'll take my chances!
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RE: your rules for dating? - 8/16/2008 4:23:38 PM
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MC4JC
Posts: 201
Joined: 7/6/2008
From: Minnesota
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Some of the rules in our house (and this applied to kids as well as adults that might be living with us - family members).
These applied to unmarried only.
1. NO overnite guests period!
2. No opposite sex in the bedrooms to watch tv. We had a tv in the living room, you don't need to be watching tv in the bedrooms with the opposite sex.
3. If you are talking in the bedroom, the doors have to be kept open.
4. For the kids - we reserve the right to come into the room at any time to check on things :)
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RE: your rules for dating? - 8/16/2008 5:21:18 PM
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zoebob
Posts: 8797
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: land of limbo
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quote:
1. NO overnite guests period!
Is this only of the opposite sex?
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L-R: DD1, Ellies DS2, DD2, Ellies DS1
L-R: Ellies DD1, Ellies DD2, DS, Ellies DS3
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RE: your rules for dating? - 8/16/2008 5:57:39 PM
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MC4JC
Posts: 201
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From: Minnesota
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Basically yes. If you are dating someone, you go home at a set time - you don't spend the night.
To clarify a bit - DH's one brother lived with us - he never had gf's stay at the house. And another time his other brother had to live with us for awhile. Again (he gave us the hardest time) there was NO opposite sex gf's allowed to spend the night nor stay in the room with the door closed.
We told them that our views were that if you were not married then we would not condone sleeping or sex in the house.
With our own kids the oldest tried to get us to allow his gf to stay - we wouldn't. He didn't like it very much considering he was over 25 at the time - but its our home, our rules. If you don't like them, you don't have to live with us.
Sounds harsh but we feel that its also God's house :)
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RE: your rules for dating? - 8/21/2008 2:08:33 PM
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DaveW
Posts: 4110
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: MD suburbs of Washington DC
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I posted this a while back but have been unable to find it. A friend sent this to me almost 10 years ago, when my daughters were about to graduate HS.
I re-post for your enjoyment:
Father's Rules.
10 Simple Rules for dating my daughter
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this
compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
- Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than an Ogden stool.
- Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.
- Places where there is darkness.
- Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
- Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat.
- Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay.
- Hockey games are okay.
- Old Folks Homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you roll into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car; there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
_____________________________
Avatar is Saphira 5 months and Louvena at 23 months!
We are now grandparents TWICE!!
====================================
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http://cdbaby.com/cd/dswaggoner
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RE: your rules for dating? - 8/23/2008 8:40:51 AM
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mommyplus3
Posts: 56
Joined: 7/8/2008
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i have a 14 year old, so 'real dating' hasn't been such an issue, yet. what we have allowed is her to have a boy join our family for outings, movie, etc...and she has gone with one boy and his family to a movie and dinner.
our general rule is that they are not alone together...which is not an issue since she has 2 younger siblings that won't leave her alone ;o) - and obviously no bedrooms. the boys involved have had no issues with it...and actually love hanging out at our house. dd doesn't like talking on the phone...and she doesn't have her own cell phone, so we don't have any problems there.
as for the faith part, so far she leans towards christian boys whose families have similar morals and values. the new boy in her life is wonderful! he prays before lunch at school...and is very open about his faith. i'd like to keep this one around ;o)
we have a thing in our home about keeping a balance between our values and modern times. it's posed as this: we will continue to be "cool parents" if you continue to follow our rules. you may have a myspace, boyfriends, etc if you keep a godly attitude, and keep in check. the moment that we see something off, you lose those privileges. so far, so good, therehas been no rebellion...and she is described my the other kids' parents as mature and a good kid. she's the one that everyone wants their kids to be. i am very proud of her!!
i realize, however, that most of this is a kid-by-kid basis...we'll see what happens with the younger 2. i think parents just need to be very clear in their rules...and both parents need to be on the same page, and take into account who they are dealing with.
;o)
PS...LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the 10 simple rules!!
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Ty however will be re-taking Geometry) so that might complicate things a bit as they will not be in the same building. They e-mail each other and talk on the phone but Ty knows that while I respect his privacy - if he gives me any reason to question that I can and will keep tabs on his e-mails and I will monitor phone calls. So far, so good tho. Honestly I don't think he's even held her hand yet. 
