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separated from husband but I want it to work - 10/1/2008 11:36:11 AM
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photofilly
Posts: 14
Joined: 8/7/2008
Status: offline
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My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years. It is my first and his second.
His first marriage was the result of his H/S girlfriend getting pregnant. After his daughter was born he came back to church, turned his life around and worked his hardest on his marriage. She was not ready for that and eventually cheated and left him and their daughter when she was just five.
We married when she was 9. The first year was near perfect. We were active in church and alcohol was something that was just unacceptable in our home. We had seen it's detructiveness in both our families past and present. Then the night of our first anniversary it began again. Just a little here and there. Then it got to be every other weekend (the weeks we did not have his daughter). I felt he had to know it was wrong because he hid it from his daughter and still does. She knows it was a factor in his first divorce. I have tried many different avenues of dealing with his behavior given to me by advice of pastors and counselors. Nothing has worked. He will not commit to not drinking, will not come back to church, and refuses to go to marriage counseling. To him I am supposed to agree to disagree and watch his destructive behavior get worse and worse. He is not abusive, but he puts his drinking and friends before his own family. This week I left while my step-daughter went to her mothers for the week, hoping to resolve something or get some kind of commitment from him before she comes back home, but it is not looking as though he is willing to do anything. He thinks I am the only one who needs counseling. I take responsibility for my part in the deterioration in our marriage( at times I do not meet his needs as well as I should). I am angry a lot of the time. This has been going on and getting worse for almost 2 years. I want him to commit to counseling before I come home. I do not know how to handle this.....
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RE: separated from husband but I want it to work - 10/1/2008 12:25:10 PM
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restinginHim
Posts: 432
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: photofilly... I do not know how to handle this.....
(((photofilly)))
I know how destructive alcoholism is on family members and the despair and frustration that can build up. But thankfully, you do not have to handle this. GOD is so much bigger than us. Thank You Jesus!
Please, do not allow Satan to use this situation to district your faith. Cast your burdens onto the LORD... I pray that your focus remains on our LORD. Please Heavenly Father, direct photofilly's steps, comfort her and give her peace along the way. I also pray that your husband's heart does not remain hardened but that he too will draw closer to GOD than ever! In the name of our LORD Jesus, may you, your husband and his daughter be blessed for His glory.
_____________________________
"As the Father loved Me, I also have loved you; abide in My love." John 15:9
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RE: separated from husband but I want it to work - 10/1/2008 1:53:26 PM
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3tulips
Posts: 325
Joined: 2/1/2007
From: sandy shore
Status: offline
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Go to counseling yourself and possibly he might join you when he sees the changes in you. Do you have a couple of girlfriends at church that you can talk to and they can pray for you? Pray daily for your husband and trust God.
_____________________________
I opened up the mouth of love and found the wisdom tooth. Larry Norman 1947 - 2008
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RE: separated from husband but I want it to work - 10/1/2008 2:35:07 PM
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photofilly
Posts: 14
Joined: 8/7/2008
Status: offline
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Yes, I have a few very good girl friends......one of my best friends happens to be his sister. Although she hates his actions, she is not very happy with me. His family feels I have given up already, but that is not the case at all. I'm the only one fighting for this to work. Had I been in my own home, I would have put him out for his actions(wich his own mother suggested) but that was not possible in our situation. Nor could I have taken my step-daughter with me. It's against the law!
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RE: separated from husband but I want it to work - 10/5/2008 1:43:30 AM
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cindybode
Posts: 1542
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Northwest PA
Status: online
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People usually don't change unless it becomes too uncomfortable to remain the same. As long as you're putting up with his behavior, it will continue. You need to stay gone until he changes - not until he tells you he's gonna change, but until you see concrete evidence that he is doing so.
In the end, this is his choice. You can't force him to give up the alcohol and turn himself around. You just don't have to sit by and watch it happen.
_____________________________
If you lock in any creature, from rats to chickens to pigs to people, 10 to 30 or more in a box and force feed them you'll create little monsters. Confinement Education School Operations (CESOs) just don't compare to naturally pastured free-ranged kids.
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RE: separated from husband but I want it to work - 10/7/2008 9:50:53 AM
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Simway
Posts: 42
Joined: 4/12/2005
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I know you are hurting. I know this is a hard situation to be in and deal with.
I know you want a good solid marriage and home. We all do deep down.
You can have it ...but your husband is going to have to admit he has a problem. He can not be forced to commit to anything if he doesn't want to do so. It has to be a act of his will, and a decison made by him. He does need help and he will have to seek that help.
One thing, what is the reason for his addition , and it is an addition. There has to be something in his life that makes him turn to alcohol. He is trying to fill a void and going about it all wrong . He is using alcohol. where others turn to other things, durgs, or whatever the case maybe.
Just my opinion, and I could 180% out here...Simway
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RE: separated from husband but I want it to work - 10/7/2008 11:34:44 AM
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photofilly
Posts: 14
Joined: 8/7/2008
Status: offline
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Thnak you everyone for your advice and prayers, and I welcome any more sent my way. I am happy to report we are moving forward. My dh has committed to counseling and following what ever our counselor lays out for him to do. He has also agreed to an accountability partner. I believe our vicious cycle is over. He has admitted his behavior is wrong and does not want it to continue. I know the both of us have a long way to go as we are both responsable for our own share of problems in our marriage. At least we have this out of the way so we can get down and work.......together!
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