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not as close as before - 6/28/2008 7:25:58 PM
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ladyingrace1979
Posts: 225
Joined: 3/14/2008
Status: online
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Do you ever feel that you and your spose are not as close as you used to be? That's how I have been feeling lately. It's not that something is wrong with our marriage so much as somethings not as right as it should be. My husband and I used to talk about everything, we enjoyed a lot of the same things, etc. Now I feel like we are two people living in separate worlds. I share a lot about my day and my feelings but I don't always feel like he is listening, and I almost never get anything from him about his day, even simple details. If you have gone through this and things improved please tell me what helped.
Kim Q
< Message edited by ladyingrace1979 -- 6/28/2008 7:32:24 PM >
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RE: not as close as before - 6/28/2008 10:00:53 PM
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karlie
Posts: 16610
Joined: 4/10/2005
From: Central California
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Do you make time to spend together, just the two of you ? I think that's vital to staying connected as a couple no matter what changes go on in the family. Too many people neglect that when kids come along and they start drifting apart as the years pass.
If it were me, I'd find some time to talk to him and just tell him what's on your heart. I wouldn't say it in an accusing manner, implying he isn't listening; just that you're feeling disconnected lately and want to spend a little more time together. Chances are he is feeling the same way.
Also, find a hobby or common ministry you can enjoy together. Sharing something like that gives you something to talk about and just brings you closer. Having fun together is so important to staying close and connected.
_____________________________
Shoes CAN change your life...just ask Cinderella
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RE: not as close as before - 6/28/2008 10:25:33 PM
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Covaan_Meshuga
Posts: 3009
Joined: 6/8/2005
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We are not what we should be yet, but we are much better than we used to be. Our relationship used to appear great to those looking on, but although I didn't know it, it was far from great. We went through some stuff, and now, because he did the right things, we are both much closer and our relationship is based upon reality.
We don't have it all together, but since we now work on it from a reality base, we are building a real relationship.
We don't date. We should, but we don't. We need to work on that.
But besides our basing things upon truth, the second thing we now do is we set aside Friday evening's evening meal as a time during which we specifically commune with G-d and with each other. It is totally different from any other meal of the week, with different food, and the only one we eat in the dining room with all our best dishes, etc. I prepare (more like buy!) a special meal with challah (beautiful, slightly-sweet, braided bread) and (since neither of us like wine) grape juice -- either regular or sparkling. Oh, there's a lot to it, but basically, we just spend that time together -- just the two of us with G-d. It has changed us both profoundly.
_____________________________
Abiyah
Why does He keep quoting Torah? Doesn't He know He's about to abolish it?
A tree's fruit is obvious; you have to look harder for the worm hole.
G-d has only one natural Son; EVERYONE else is adopted.
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RE: not as close as before - 6/29/2008 12:05:21 AM
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ladyingrace1979
Posts: 225
Joined: 3/14/2008
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: karlie
Do you make time to spend together, just the two of you ? I think that's vital to staying connected as a couple no matter what changes go on in the family. Too many people neglect that when kids come along and they start drifting apart as the years pass.
If it were me, I'd find some time to talk to him and just tell him what's on your heart. I wouldn't say it in an accusing manner, implying he isn't listening; just that you're feeling disconnected lately and want to spend a little more time together. Chances are he is feeling the same way.
Also, find a hobby or common ministry you can enjoy together. Sharing something like that gives you something to talk about and just brings you closer. Having fun together is so important to staying close and connected.
We were in ministry together until he went into music ministry. He decided that was more important than helping me launch my minstry and went on to that. I can't help him with music ministry, I don't play, and don't sing.
Tried to set aside special time, unfortunately he was more interested in the cumputer or tv than talking. Also with 3 children, 2 who have special needs, and living on welfare we can't afford to go out. Besides, I want the regular day to day communication. It shouldn't have to be an occasion to talk to me, or to listen to me.
I don't mean to sound accusitory but right now I feel married to a stranger.
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RE: not as close as before - 6/29/2008 11:20:49 AM
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tkc300
Posts: 26
Joined: 5/28/2006
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Well I currently went through a divorce ( not by choice) but there were lessoned learned from this very thing. Marriage is like cleaning a house. You have to take care of it daily. If you leave it uncared for for a certain time build up will occur and things get covered up. It takes a lot of matience. In saying through daily struggles we sometimes forget why we connected in the first place. I agree with the other posts you have to set time aside for the other. I once read something about marriage that went something like this. When one man was asked how was able to be married with his wife for over 59 yrs. he said we never fell out of love at the same time. There will be times in your marriage im sure when things are distance but at least you acknowledge them so now you can do what you can to grow closer to your husband. Maybe he is waiting for you for reach out. Do something unexpected just as you would do when you were trying to earn his affection before the marriage.
Not a expert just a mom
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RE: not as close as before - 6/29/2008 12:33:09 PM
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Covaan_Meshuga
Posts: 3009
Joined: 6/8/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: tkc300
...When one man was asked how was able to be married with his wife for over 59 yrs. he said we never fell out of love at the same time. There will be times in your marriage im sure when things are distance but at least you acknowledge them so now you can do what you can to grow closer to your husband.
Oh, too true.
quote:
ORIGINAL: tkc300
Maybe he is waiting for you for reach out. Do something unexpected just as you would do when you were trying to earn his affection before the marriage.
It can involve just little things. In fact, the little things may be the most important things in a marriage.
Just little compliments:
(When he says something, you say) "That's a good idea" (if it is). (I had to learn to do this, because I am one who gets really irritated when I think someone is trying to think for me.)
When he does something around the house, really play it up, thanking him. It may encourage him to take a more active role. "When you read the story to Michael, he seems to be more settled. Maybe it's the tone of your voice -- or just that he likes to have you near."
And do little things:
Like on a hot day, surprise him with a fruit drink from fruit, ice, sweetener (if needed) and milk run through the blender. It will take less than 5 minutes, but he'll enjoy it long after it is gone.
Polish the shoes he wears the most.
Wash his car.
And don't do anything expecting anything back. If you do, you may be very disappointed, especially at first.
_____________________________
Abiyah
Why does He keep quoting Torah? Doesn't He know He's about to abolish it?
A tree's fruit is obvious; you have to look harder for the worm hole.
G-d has only one natural Son; EVERYONE else is adopted.
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RE: not as close as before - 6/29/2008 12:38:25 PM
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Covaan_Meshuga
Posts: 3009
Joined: 6/8/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ladyingrace1979
Tried to set aside special time, unfortunately he was more interested in the cumputer or tv than talking. Also with 3 children, 2 who have special needs, and living on welfare we can't afford to go out. Besides, I want the regular day to day communication. It shouldn't have to be an occasion to talk to me, or to listen to me.
I don't mean to sound accusitory but right now I feel married to a stranger.
The reason we started doing our Friday nighes in the diningroom is because I noted that it would get him away from the TV. I play music, and all there is in there is him and me. If there is no special room in your house without distractions, serve dinner outside. If there's no picnic table, serve dinner on a blanket. Take him to a park and picnic there. He really needs a distraction from the "stuff."
But I am wondering: do you even have time for anything other than caring for people?
_____________________________
Abiyah
Why does He keep quoting Torah? Doesn't He know He's about to abolish it?
A tree's fruit is obvious; you have to look harder for the worm hole.
G-d has only one natural Son; EVERYONE else is adopted.
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RE: not as close as before - 6/29/2008 3:43:33 PM
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YZGUY
Posts: 263
Joined: 3/9/2008
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Have you spoken to him about it?
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RE: not as close as before - 7/4/2008 3:30:13 AM
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KPOP
Posts: 26
Joined: 7/4/2008
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HI THERE.
DO NOT FEEL BAD
IF YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE DO NOT TALK MUCH ANYMORE -- DO NOT BLAME IT ON YOURSELF
DO NOT PUT THE BLAME ON HIM AS WELL
JUST TRY TO REACH OUT
HE MIGHT BE TRYING TO REACH OUT HIMSELF
BUT YOU ARE TOO CONCERN ABOUT YOU TRYING TO REACH OUT -- AND YOU DO NOT SEE HIM REACHING OUT TO YOU
SOMETIMES -- WORDS ARE NOT NECESSARY -- BUT IT IS ESSENTIALS
SO JUST TRY SMALL TALKS
IT WILL GET BETTER
AND IN THE MEAN TIME
INVEST FOR YOURSELF
GO AND MEET OTHER PEOPLE
JOIN A CLUB AND GET INVOLVE
BUT IF YOU WORK -- TRY TO START A BIBLE STUDY WHERE YOU WORK --
IF THEY LET YOU
BUT DO NOT CROWD OTHER PEOPLE'S WORK
SOME PEOPLE WORKED SO HARD
BUT SOME PEOPLE NEED A STARTER
AND IF GOD LET YOU BE A STARTER LIKE IN YOUR JOB -- IF YOU DO WORK
AND YOU START A BIBLE STUDY
FINISH IT
BUT IF YOU CANNOT -- ASK SOMEONE IF THEY CAN TAKE OVER FOR Y OU
YOU CAN ALWAYS DO IT AGAIN -- IF HE OR SHE GETS TIRED
SO JUST TAKE IT EASY
YOU CAN ALWAYS TELL YOUR HUSBAND THAT YOU LOVE HIM
IF HE DOES NOT REPLY
ASK HIM DIRECTLY TO ANSWER YOU
IF HE SAYS "YESSS"
THEN YOU ARE IN THE RIGHT PLACE
IF HE SAYS -- HE DOES -- BUT DOES NOT GO OUT WITH YOU AT ALL
THEN YOU NEED TO DO A LOT OF HEAVY PRAYING
MY HUSBAND USED TO MAKE SURE HE IS SEEN WITH ME IN PUBLIC
THEN WE STOP
AND NOW WE JUST STARTED AGAIN TO BE SEEN IN PUBLIC
AND I LOVE IT
WE EVEN KISS IN WAL MART IN FRONT OF ALL THOSE PEOPLE
AND HE BOUGHT ME TOILET PAPER AND SODA AND OTHER THINGS
THOSE THINGS ARE SMALL -- BUT IF YOU LIVE IN A TIGHT PENNY WISE -- YOU WOULD APPRECIATE IT
GOOD LUCK
KATHY
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